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  #121  
Old 07-11-2011, 02:29 PM
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Sheesh. Either it is love or it ain't. Once it is love, there's no earning of anything. Anyone who really knows love knows that. Sounds like he/they were more interested in a plaything than a loving relationship. Sadly, many people don't know what love is.

Have you healed from this? I hope so. And I hope you are having loving experiences!
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  #122  
Old 07-14-2011, 05:05 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Thanks for your support, River. I still have a few tender spots to heal, but the worse pain is luckily over. I haven't found a new love yet. Am doing some work on myself (again! ), but I haven't given up!!
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  #123  
Old 07-28-2011, 12:51 AM
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So, I've been reading this thread and others on LDRs because I am in one, but am not quite sure about how it's going. <nervous laugh>

We don't really live that far from each other, but it's a 2.5-hour busride between our cities, and so it's not that easy to see each other. It's a fairly new relationship, and so we're not in love, but I need ways to keep it fresh.

We had such a connection and rapport in the beginning. It was all so heady and exciting as we anticipated actually meeting. He spent two days with me and it was great. But since he returned to life in his city, there hasn't been this urgency anymore -- on both our parts.

I notice that if I stop taking charge of moving this along, he doesn't really reach out to me. And yet he told me that the frequency that I had been contacting him had him feeling a bit scared that I wanted more than he could give. He seems to say he doesn't want me to be too aggressive in pursuing him, yet he doesn't pursue me. It's kind of a Catch-22.

So, here I am thinking, "Okay, I'm giving you space, waiting, not being pushy, but what are you giving me?" Now, I don't mean that in a tit-for-tat sense -- I've never been the type to keep score or position myself to get something out of a relationship. I just always figure if it feels good to be with someone, it's working. But not seeing much effort on his part makes me wonder if he cares enough about investing in what we started here.

He doesn't contact me very often without an initial prod from me. When we did have a conversation a few weeks ago, he did say that he sees us as an "us" and agreed to my suggestion that we have at least two more in-person visits to see if this is a relationship we want to keep going. Now here's another annoyance: Whenever I ask him how he's doing, he answers, and just leaves it at that. He rarely asks me how I'm doing and I find that frustrating, although most of our communications are lighthearted, pleasant, and sometimes sexy (though not as much as before).

The other thing is, since it's an LDR and we haven't gotten to know each other conventionally by going out, spending time together, and talking, and most of interactions are via text (my least favorite way), I kind of don't even know what to talk about anymore. I'm not even that familiar with where he lives to talk much about things going on there with him.

I did believe there were some issues he needs to look at and resolve with his wife, but that may have changed since we last talked about it. I don't want to get into that with him anyway, since it's not my place, but I did sort of "step back" by not being in contact as often as I had been, to give him space. For a while he was very much wanting to date locally, but he did tell me that he has instead been focused on a construction project rather than pursuing other women.

See, I believe his wife is the dominant one in their relationship (and I mean dominant in the dictionary sense, not BDSM - sigh). He got on board with poly for her. He totally adores her and I always get the sense that he's waiting for her. Just waiting. And I believe this puts a hamper on any other relationships he has or tries to have. But she has a very time-consuming job and a bf that occupies lots of her time. The other side to this is that I suspect he probably likes women to take charge more than he admits. However, for me to be happy, it can't be a one-way street. I need to know someone is interested in being with me, pursuing me, developing something with me.

Today I sent him a message to let him know I missed hearing from him (it had been a week). He texted me back to apologize. I told him I had stepped back but didn't want him to forget me. He replied that he "could never forget" me, but there were no more niceties after that. A pleasant exchange of messages followed, but it was very casual and I am just not certain what to ask for to feel better about this or to drum up some more excitement. My inclination is to plan our next visit to see each other, but am wondering if that will be too pushy, considering how much things have cooled down. I also think I want to email him more than texting. I would like to speak on the phone at least weekly. But I guess I'm feeling like asking for all that is incongruous with giving him space.

LDRs... ack! I didn't mean this to be a rant. I really do want to know how to make an LDR work in the beginning stages. Suggestions?
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-28-2011 at 12:54 AM.
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  #124  
Old 07-28-2011, 05:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Whenever I ask him how he's doing, he answers, and just leaves it at that. He rarely asks me how I'm doing and I find that frustrating, although most of our communications are lighthearted, pleasant, and sometimes sexy (though not as much as before).

Suggestions?
This part stuck out at me. I am someone who usually/use to prefer LDR`s. I like my own space, and I dont like feeling obligated to constantly check in and keep up with other people. Friends or lovers, I have always done better with people who feel like me. Meeting and connecting through ebb and flow.

However, the fact that he doesnt ask you how you are doing,..something is wrong here.

That is a big red flag to me. He is 'holding you on' for some reason, but not wanting to truly connect with you, for another.

Sorry to say, but I think I`d let this guy slide, if I were you. Everything you say, about him waiting for his wife, being preoccupied, etc,...isn`t right for YOU. It doesn`t mean he is a bad guy, but from reading your threads, and your desires, I don`t think you will find experiences with this type very enriching.
You want passion, and someone to really embrace life and you, without ownership.

Its great that you try to understand his point of view, but don`t forget your own.
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  #125  
Old 07-28-2011, 05:44 PM
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Everything you say, about him waiting for his wife, being preoccupied, etc,...isn`t right for YOU. It doesn`t mean he is a bad guy, but from reading your threads, and your desires, I don`t think you will find experiences with this type very enriching.
You want passion, and someone to really embrace life and you, without ownership.

Its great that you try to understand his point of view, but don`t forget your own.
This is true, thank you. I especially like what I bolded in what you wrote - a perfect way to express what I am looking/hoping for.

I will add, though, that even though I am fond of him, I have had my doubts about this relationship all along. I like him a great deal but I can't say I know for sure he's right for me. And I did tell him that I have my doubts, but also that I wanted us to make an effort toward seeing if it could work. He agreed. But I feel like he's got to step up if that's what he agreed to.

I didn't want to just have this exciting build-up to the two days we spent together, and the sex, only to see the whole thing fizzle away. It might seem to me like he's not invested enough in this relationship, but my perception might be a bit off due to the distance, infrequency of communication, and still getting to know each other (although I can usually trust my intuition, which tells me something's wrong here). He could be distracted from work, and certain things going on in his life. I did want to see if we have... something worthwhile, and so I don't want to give up on it just yet. I would hate to feel like he came to town to have sex with me and then said, "forget it."

I don't think he realizes how much he is caught up in wanting things with his wife to be better. In my blog thread, I had mentioned a few things about his relationship with her, from what little I know, and a bunch of folks said that she doesn't appear to be treating him very well because of her NRE with a BF. But, since it's so new between him and me, I only see a small piece of his life and have to draw my own conclusions, which might not really sense everything that should be taken into account. And I'm really the first person he's attempting to have a relationship since they opened the marriage, so I feel like, though I'm not setting aside my needs altogether, I do have compassion for his situation and don't want to write him off completely, not yet anyway.

But I appreciate your post because it reminds me of what I do want in a relationship. And that I might just have to stand up for what I want and tell him if I can't have those things with him, then it won't work.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-28-2011 at 05:46 PM.
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  #126  
Old 07-29-2011, 06:53 PM
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Hmm...

In a long-distance relationship, how can you tell when a drop in frequency of contact or a sense of disconnection is due to things going on in your partner's life that are just distracting, OR due to an emotional distancing?

That the person is not in one's day-to-day life makes these things much harder, no?
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  #127  
Old 07-29-2011, 09:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
In a long-distance relationship, how can you tell when a drop in frequency of contact or a sense of disconnection is due to things going on in your partner's life that are just distracting, OR due to an emotional distancing?
Hard to say, but I did want to mention that it makes sense that a flurry of emails / texts / phone calls should probably be expected to slow down after some weeks or months, as the parties have come to know one another in these media in a broad sort of way. In my own case, having not spent f2f time with my faraway darling, I'm really ready for that next step -- which has had to wait for various reasons. We really need to spend time being quiet together, non-verbal, embodiedly present....

By the way, M and I have established a habit of being extremely open with one another, keeping nothing hidden or secret. This definitely keeps the guessing games at bay. If one of us is feeling this way or that way, we'll just say so.
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  #128  
Old 07-29-2011, 10:56 PM
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By the way, M and I have established a habit of being extremely open with one another, keeping nothing hidden or secret. This definitely keeps the guessing games at bay. If one of us is feeling this way or that way, we'll just say so.
I agree with this.
Anytime I feel smothered, or need space, or am to busy, I just say so.

I don`t think its any harder in LDR`s to tell those things if both parties are honest. LDR`s are only as difficult, as people make them to be.

With that said, how do you tell ?
Your personal bullshit-meter should tell you, but if you feel your insecurities are over-riding it, then relax, and don`t message the person. Regardless, if they are busy, or they are distancing themself, your response should be the same.
Just carry on doing your own thing. Put them at the back of your mind, for now.
If they are wrestling with a issue, yet still care, they`ll contact you when they are ready to talk. You can then decide wether you are still interested or not.

If they are distancing themself to get out of a situation permanently, they wont return your message, or you`ll get a 'Dear nycindie' email at some point.

If they are busy,..well, they are busy ! The same goes. They`ll get back to you when they have time. You can then decide if their 'busy' warranted you being ignored or not.

I hope this helps.
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  #129  
Old 07-29-2011, 11:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
If one of us is feeling this way or that way, we'll just say so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Anytime I feel smothered, or need space, or am to busy, I just say so.
This is how I always have wanted it. This is what I used to ask Shorty for, too. Just let me know what the fuck is going on.

One time when we spoke on the phone, he indicated that my texting him almost every day was too much. Not too much contact per se, but too much in the sense that he thought I might have bigger expectations than he did. So I backed off. He still doesn't make much effort to reach out to me. After a few weeks of very sporadic, very platonic messages, and then a week of no messages at all, I tell him (two days ago) that I miss hearing from him and his response was "Oh, it has been a long time. Sorry, I let the days slip away from me." This is the second time he sent me a message like that, basically telling me I am out of sight, out of mind. Afterward, as I stated in my previous message in this thread, he said he could never forget me, BUT only after I said to him, "I don't want you to forget me."

It would all feel so very differently, had he sent me a message before a somewhat long-ish period of silence just to say, "Will be busy this week, won't be in touch for a while." But, no, he's not contacting me, and obviously not thinking of me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Your personal bullshit-meter should tell you, but if you feel your insecurities are over-riding it, then relax, and don`t message the person.
Well, it's too late for that, now, because I did tell him last night in no uncertain terms what had me feeling so disappointed. But I don't think this came out of any insecurities of mine (not saying I don't have them, but they were not at play here).

He apologized and chalked it up to being new at poly. I'll give him that, but I still have needs. We're supposed to talk tonight. Still waiting for his call.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-29-2011 at 11:33 PM.
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  #130  
Old 07-29-2011, 11:38 PM
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One or more of these two/three things seem likely to me.: (a) he's "just not that into you" (as they say) or (b) he's just not that good a communicator.

(c) would be a combination of the two.

I hope all goes well with the expected call.
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