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  #1  
Old 10-21-2009, 04:36 PM
bgfgirl bgfgirl is offline
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Unhappy Possibly Poly Boyfriend?

So I'm hoping that someone on here can shed some light on my situation. There is a man I've been involved with romantically for 2 and a half years now. I don't think he defines himself as being poly but he is definately not into monogamy. The whole time we have been "dating" we have both been involved with other people. I have fallen deeply in love with him and find that I only want him but he doesn't feel the same way. He doesn't want to be monogamous but he also says he loves me. I believe him when he says that but I feel like it obviously isn't the kind of deep love I have for him. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I've never really been conventional when it comes to relationships but I'm hurt that he doesn't love me enough to be with only me. I think if I am so damn special to him then why am I not the only one? If he is poly or even slightly how is it possible for him to truely love me and still want others?
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Old 10-21-2009, 04:52 PM
Tech Tech is offline
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Well, you've come to the right place!
I'm not poly (personally), but my wife is, and we've discussed thoughts similar to yours many times. As far as I know, truly poly people simply love differently than monos.

I love her, I have no need for someone else to love. She doesn't "need" to love someone else, but if she falls in love, it is *possible* for her to love someone else (and she has).

Try not to think of it as him "not loving you enough to be with only you". Try to see that he can love more than one person the same amount without loving one less than the other.

My mind works very mathematically. And I used to ask my wife if she has 100% of love, and she starts loving someone else, how is it possible for me to not think that I'm getting LESS than 100% of her love. She indicates that her love is not quantify-able and she has 100% of love for both of us. My mind can't grasp that, but I can trust that what she tells me is true. (Now to work on balancing that "time issue"...there's not infinite time, lol.)

I hope this helps!
You've come to the right place for sure though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bgfgirl View Post
...I believe him when he says that but I feel like it obviously isn't the kind of deep love I have for him. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I've never really been conventional when it comes to relationships but I'm hurt that he doesn't love me enough to be with only me. I think if I am so damn special to him then why am I not the only one? If he is poly or even slightly how is it possible for him to truely love me and still want others?
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  #3  
Old 10-21-2009, 04:57 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You just described one of the reasons we're all here. I'm not trying to belittle your concerns, but yours is probably the MOST common and LEAST unique of all the questions I've seen asked here.

There is a lot already written about this on the forum, too much to point you to one thread only.

Settle in when you have a few hours of free time and read people's stories, and also check out the threads on jealousy and the ones with titles like "Can a mono person love a poly person and vice-versa".
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Old 10-21-2009, 05:01 PM
bgfgirl bgfgirl is offline
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Well thank you so much for your insight. I tend to go back and forth between being ok with this and hating it. It doesn't help that when I talk about the relationship to others they don't get it. Right now I'm just really struggling with being insecure and feeling like I'm obviously not enough for him. I want to FEEL and KNOW without a doubt that I'm special to him. I want him to prove it.
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Old 10-21-2009, 05:07 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bgfgirl View Post
Well thank you so much for your insight. I tend to go back and forth between being ok with this and hating it. It doesn't help that when I talk about the relationship to others they don't get it. Right now I'm just really struggling with being insecure and feeling like I'm obviously not enough for him. I want to FEEL and KNOW without a doubt that I'm special to him. I want him to prove it.
Have you and he talked about it together?

You could say it to him just like you said it here.
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Old 10-21-2009, 05:15 PM
bgfgirl bgfgirl is offline
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We have talked about it a few times. He says that he understands and that my feelings are valid. But even though we talk about it I tend to feel the same. I don't always want to express all the stuff I'm going through to him because it makes me feel so vulnerable. Its like I can't allow myself to be that vulnerable with him knowing that he doesn't want just me.
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Old 10-21-2009, 06:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Honey honey honey.

Wow do you sound like my husband sounded.
I'm poly-I have been my whole life.
Lots of people don't get this-but let me try to explain it the clearest way I can and see if you can take that and work with it.

I have 3 bio kids-1 step kid and a godson.
I love ALL of them 100%. There is NO competition. I don't love my bio kids more and I don't love my stepson more and I don't love my godson more. I love every one of them with "all of heart" as they say. But the reality is that mathematically anyone who finished 3rd grade knows that "all" of something can't be given 5 times right?

Except love does NOT fit math and math does NOT fit love. I DO love all of them that way-every minute of every single day.

I also dearly love my husband 100% and I dearly love my bf 100%. I have loved bf for 16 (almost 17 years) and my husband for 11....

Neither love takes anything from the other.

The ONLY thing that caused anything to be "taken away" was when stepson tried to compete because he wanted to be "the best" "the favorite" and he lost. Because HE was demanding something unfair.
Same happened to husband. When he demanded that I could only love him-he lost, because A. it's not true and B. he was being selfish and unfair.

I didn't punish them. They punished themselves. By allowing their own issues of self-worth to bring them down they punished themselves. Had they opened themselves to me they would have found an endless amount of love and reassurance, but they both held back and suffered in the silence of their own judgment and insecurity.

Now-hubby has figured out that when he does open himself to the possibility I have more ability to care for him and his feelings-because I'm not endlessly defending the core truth of who I am.

It's not an easy concept for someone in your shoes. I do understand that having watched so many struggles in him over the years. But it will do you in good stead to read through a bunch of the posts on here. Heck-mono and maca are both good posters to start with.
Try to understand-what is perfectly normal to you-is NOT perfectly normal to all of us-some of us simply can't be what you think means loving you. It's impossible. That doesn't make us heartless or uncaring or unconcerned about your feelings-it makes us different then you.
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  #8  
Old 10-21-2009, 07:25 PM
bgfgirl bgfgirl is offline
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Thanks for your input LovingRadiance. I would NEVER demand that he be in a monogamous relationship with me. Because ultimately all I want for him is to be happy and fulfilled...even if that means being with someone else. And I can see how my insecurities around this are ultimatly my own issues. I believe he loves me and I even believe it is possible to love more than one person equally. And yet I still struggle to actually feel the love that my head tells me is there. Does that make sense?
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  #9  
Old 10-21-2009, 08:08 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Yes it makes perfect sense.
Everyone has these types of issues in life.
Unfortunately the longer we put it off the harder it is to find the true source of them.

I know for me it was an issue of realizing that just because my dad walked out didn't mean I wasn't a wonderful, lovable, person. Once I got past that I had to deal with the fact that I had a child at 16. When I realized that the toll that took on my body in fact didn't effect my beauty (because beauty isn't just skin deep) I was able to recognize that I was still worthy.

After all of that I became so much more secure in myself and it certainly shows through in my relationships. That said-of course i still have moments where I have self-doubt. The key in keeping those from controlling my life is being able to speak them outloud-to myself and to someone I trust to never use them against me. When I am able to get them off my chest I inevitably find the reassurance I need which kills the self-doubt and I'm back on my happy way again.

Maca is struggling through that stuff right now. It's not easy to really truly face your deepest fears and insecurities, but if you don't, it will effect any relationship you have-even a purely monogomous relationship. (that would be why Maca ended up divorced from his first wife). So I suggest working on that even if this bf turns out to not be the one for you. It will help you to be a much stronger, more fulfilled and happy person in and of yourself!
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  #10  
Old 10-21-2009, 08:52 PM
FrozenCouple FrozenCouple is offline
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Default communicate, communicate, communicate...

Ultimately you're on the right path here. Any idiot can talk about the weather or things that are inconsequential, but to put one's self out there and talk to those we love about the things that we find frightening is at best very difficult. At worst, we just bottle it up or try to talk it thru with folks we trust but not the ones with whom we have the issues. I too have been poly my whole life but I've only really come to terms with it within the last 10 years or so. The key was some very VERY scary conversations with my wife.

There are not words to describe how much fear is there when talking about things that are potential relationship enders. Polyfidelity is certainly one of those topics, but here's the rub: after those conversations we felt much closer to one another than before. The information was very scary and hard to deal with but the act of talking it thru and taking risks was worth the effort. keep trying and above all else constantly question yourself about your true inner feelings. often we convince ourselves we feel one way when in reality we're just masking the truth from ourselves out of fear it will make us look bad to our loved ones or even ourselves. The only real salve is to talk talk tak.

One thing that you can be sure of though, you will always find a friendly ear here.
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