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  #91  
Old 07-28-2011, 12:07 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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In 9 years this past Dec was the first time Karma and I had been apart for more than a weekend. I was really hard on both of us. His relationship with Cricket was ending and I was working and we were apart for almost 3 weeks. Karma hates the phone, it's hard for him to stay engaged in idle chatter. So I started jotting down notes of things to tak about. Cute things our niece did, current news events, I even started checking out new music to appeal to his music obsession. I also would video tape our niece telling him good night and playing and what not. And I'd send little e-mails thoughout the day.

That way it didn't feel like we had to cover certain basis on the phone. And it didn't strain our talking time. We had things to talk about. And it was pretty interesting because even in all out time together, we were learning about eachother. And we've carried into our day to day.

One of big issues was that we tend to sit in the same room and get so consumed in our computers that we didn't talk. So these conversations about current events became our connection outside of the computer. "hey did you see the article on _____. What's your take on it?" I find it interesting how when married for a long time we tend to think we know our partners responses, but I was surprised quite a few times.


Anyway, I know it's hard to be apart, I'm glad your being active in finding things to do with your time.

And good for you for trying to be supportive, yet not get involved in hubby's relationship. I in some ways wish I had that restraint. I'm kind of glad I havent met Karmas new friend, its easier for me to stay out of it not knowing her.
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  #92  
Old 07-28-2011, 02:32 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Thanks Mohegan! I appreciate the suggestions. I think the hardest part is that over the past three years we've been apart about 19 months. :-(

As he's been away more, and as we were having issues... what to talk about really just got harder. I do think you're right though, learning to talk about new subjects and really get to KNOW each other. I'm actually looking forward to it!

The need to not be involved in his current relationship wasn't willpower. I was involved for a bit. I found out things I didn't want to know. So know I keep my nose out of it!
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  #93  
Old 07-28-2011, 06:49 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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The need to not be involved in his current relationship wasn't willpower. I was involved for a bit. I found out things I didn't want to know. So know I keep my nose out of it!
Ahhh my issue isn't finding things out, it's over stepping boundries. I am a protector. Our friends in both states call me mom, or mother wolf. It doesn't matter who you are, if I feel my man is being wronged I will bare teeth and go off. The problem is that Karma needs me to be a friend, to be able to have a sounding board, much like the forum is for me. So when I hear he isn't being treated well, I'd go off on Cricket. Which just caused them even more issues.

You still deserve props for recognizing you needed to bow out and doing so.
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  #94  
Old 07-28-2011, 02:47 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Ahhh my issue isn't finding things out, it's over stepping boundries. I am a protector. Our friends in both states call me mom, or mother wolf. It doesn't matter who you are, if I feel my man is being wronged I will bare teeth and go off. The problem is that Karma needs me to be a friend, to be able to have a sounding board, much like the forum is for me. So when I hear he isn't being treated well, I'd go off on Cricket. Which just caused them even more issues.

You still deserve props for recognizing you needed to bow out and doing so.
Yeah, I'm a protector, too... 19 years of raising two children will definitely do that to you. And a worrier... so I see tend to see things that might go wrong. I don't necessarily think they WILL go wrong, but I always feel like if you are aware, then maybe you can be more prepared. Not sure if that's true, but I can't avoid seeing possibilities, so I try to note them, make any changes I can and then go with what's REALLY happening right now.

I did kind of freak out for about a week about the situation. Talked to my counselor (who, by the way, agrees it's a train wreck about to happen), and then sat down with my hubs and talked to him about my concerns, sent a ton of crap for him to read, and then talked one more time about possibilities and being very sure to protect himself. Once I felt he had heard me, read the stuff I sent, and was being aware, then I could back away, as the decision to stay in this situation is his, and not mine to make.

He has about 22 or so days left until he leaves where he is. I most likely won't breathe easy or sleep well until then. I have better days where I just don't think about it, and I'm doing a lot of self care and anxiety busters (like yoga), which helps a ton. I actually had a pretty brutal nightmare last week on Monday about it all going wrong and it was pretty horrific. Nothing like anxiety when you sleep! Erg!

I am fairly certain, though, that the concern won't go away until he's completely away from things. Even then, though... I probably won't fully be convinced things are all right for a month or two after he's home.

Last edited by Minxxa; 07-28-2011 at 08:36 PM.
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  #95  
Old 07-29-2011, 03:19 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Hi!

I've got to run but just wanted to say I read your journal, and I really enjoy your analytical writing style. There seems to be a lot of growth going on both for you and for your relationship with hubby. I'm sure it's a lot of work, but it propably helps you've got such a good grasp on things.

I have made the same realisation about myself that you wrote about earlier (some months back): that I need to recognise my own needs and speak up, and have my own boundaries. I, too, tend to ignore what I need, particularly if it clashes with somebody else's needs. But now that I've noticed this, it's easier to do something about it.

I was just wondering, do you think you are doing it now? It's good that you understand your husband's situation with all the stress he's in. But you're also feeling that you need more communication, and that's not being met. So, in practice, aren't everybody else's needs coming before your's again? I'm not saying this is what's going on. I just I know it's an easy trap to fall into. There is sometimes a feel in your texts that you actually DO need more than you're getting, but you are trying not to, because you symphatise with your hubby's situation. However, it might help him more for somebody to tell him that he can change the situation, not just so you can get more from him, but for him to be able to set his own boundaries with his girlfriend, mother and sister. There is a problem in them being needy, but there is also the problem of him enabling them to be, enough to drain all his energy. Don't you think?
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  #96  
Old 07-29-2011, 04:47 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I've got to run but just wanted to say I read your journal, and I really enjoy your analytical writing style. There seems to be a lot of growth going on both for you and for your relationship with hubby. I'm sure it's a lot of work, but it propably helps you've got such a good grasp on things.
Well, thank you! I do have a decent grasp sometimes, but I have to say that I can go back and forth. Intellectually I can know something and still my emotions are all over the place about it. One thing, though, that I've always been good at is at least looking at my emotions and reactions and figuring them out and trying to learn from them. It's taken a long time, and I definitely have a ton more work to do!

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I have made the same realisation about myself that you wrote about earlier (some months back): that I need to recognise my own needs and speak up, and have my own boundaries. I, too, tend to ignore what I need, particularly if it clashes with somebody else's needs. But now that I've noticed this, it's easier to do something about it.

I was just wondering, do you think you are doing it now? It's good that you understand your husband's situation with all the stress he's in. But you're also feeling that you need more communication, and that's not being met. So, in practice, aren't everybody else's needs coming before your's again? I'm not saying this is what's going on. I just I know it's an easy trap to fall into. There is sometimes a feel in your texts that you actually DO need more than you're getting, but you are trying not to, because you symphatise with your hubby's situation. However, it might help him more for somebody to tell him that he can change the situation, not just so you can get more from him, but for him to be able to set his own boundaries with his girlfriend, mother and sister. There is a problem in them being needy, but there is also the problem of him enabling them to be, enough to drain all his energy. Don't you think?
I just gave some thought to this very thing over the past week and weekend. I decided that I have been good about voicing my needs, but yes I have been very selective about what I REALLY need for the next few weeks until he gets home. I feel like this is a good mixture between getting ALL my needs met, and asking for more than he can do right now. It's a compromise, but a good one.

And I have to say that this past week our communication has been getting better. He's been texting me more, we talked on the phone a bit this afternoon. So it's been good.

As for boundaries with his other ladies, he's been talking more with his daughter and setting SOME boundaries as well. He talked to his mom and basically told her that he will call her, but he's on deployment and can't always talk as much as she'd like. And as for his GF.. well, that's a lot more complicated. Especially in regards to boundaries and energy drainage. I don't see that changing before he comes home for very very complicated reasons I can't divulge. But as long as I'm getting a good amount of his energy I can live with that for now. I worry more for HIM.
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  #97  
Old 07-29-2011, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I just gave some thought to this very thing over the past week and weekend. I decided that I have been good about voicing my needs, but yes I have been very selective about what I REALLY need for the next few weeks until he gets home. I feel like this is a good mixture between getting ALL my needs met, and asking for more than he can do right now. It's a compromise, but a good one.
This sounds good.
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  #98  
Old 07-29-2011, 04:19 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So I had a couple of very interesting emotional reactions this week, on opposite sides of the spectrum for different reasons.

I have now confirmed, that when I am in my PMS week (the week before), there must be some hormonal/emotional shift that goes on (yes, obvious I know!), but it can poison my brain in very strange ways. On Monday, I had a great day, spoke with the hubs, then hung with the kidlets. I laid down to go to bed, and as soon as my eyes were shut I started to have the most horrible "worst case scenario" visions involving hubs and the GF. I saw it start, and then tried to think about other things, but it was really hard, and as soon as I would start to drift off to sleep, it would come back with a vengeance. Now, all of the scenarios were something that I had thought about previously, worked through and filed away... but it seems like when I'm in this hormonally induced anxiety state, they come flying out of that filing cabinet and attack! The wierdest part for me was that I was in a good mood, feeling fine about things, nothing obvious to set off this train of thought except evil hormones.

Anyway, it took about an hour and a half to finally drift off, and I was fine the next morning. But what I'm realizing is that I need some better tools for dealing with those thoughts that come unbidden -- usually either in my sleep, waking me up, or if I wake up in the middle of the night, they'll attack as soon as I am slightly awake, or right when I lay down to drift off to sleep. It's like my waking mind keeps them where they need to be but my subconscious mind wants to bring them out to play. Sucky. But dealable.

On the other side of the spectrum, I've been doing alot of personal work. I've been blogging here, about the poly side of things, I've been journaling again, so that I can sort through whatever feelings I have, acknowledge them and hopefully put them to rest, and I've been doing a lot of reading on emotions and how to best honor them without letting them lead you around, and how to be kinder to myself instead of so perfectionistic.

Well, all of this is kind of constant, I do a lot every day, I've been doing a lot of intention setting in Yoga, etc. So yesterday I had texted hubs a bit more during the day, and then he called as he was driving which was nice. Sometime after that I felt this palpable *shift* in my emotions... like something opened up in me and I could see that everything was going to be fine, that he and I were great and were working together on our future, and that I was okay by myself too. It was ... calming, I guess. Like a load of worries and anxiety had just lifted. Very nice!

I know that everything's not going to be rainbows and unicorns from now on... and frankly my goal right now is to have fun each day, be mindful and attentive to what I'm doing at the time, and to get through this weekend without allowing PMS emotional crap bringing me down. But I feel like that letting go of things I cannot control is finally starting to hit. It's really a new sensation for me (being the anxiety-ridden control freak I always have been), and it's very freeing.
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  #99  
Old 07-29-2011, 04:47 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I have now confirmed, that when I am in my PMS week (the week before), there must be some hormonal/emotional shift that goes on (yes, obvious I know!), but it can poison my brain in very strange ways. On Monday, I had a great day, spoke with the hubs, then hung with the kidlets. I laid down to go to bed, and as soon as my eyes were shut I started to have the most horrible "worst case scenario" visions involving hubs and the GF. I saw it start, and then tried to think about other things, but it was really hard, and as soon as I would start to drift off to sleep, it would come back with a vengeance. Now, all of the scenarios were something that I had thought about previously, worked through and filed away... but it seems like when I'm in this hormonally induced anxiety state, they come flying out of that filing cabinet and attack! The wierdest part for me was that I was in a good mood, feeling fine about things, nothing obvious to set off this train of thought except evil hormones.
LOL! This sounds so familiar.

I seriously I need to be locked up in a padded room during my PMS week. I try to give my family fair warning and I've gotten better at recognizing what's happening, but the severe lows don't just go away. I'm not sure if it has really gotten worse since turning 40 or if I'm just more aware of things.
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Old 07-29-2011, 06:51 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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LOL! This sounds so familiar.

I seriously I need to be locked up in a padded room during my PMS week. I try to give my family fair warning and I've gotten better at recognizing what's happening, but the severe lows don't just go away. I'm not sure if it has really gotten worse since turning 40 or if I'm just more aware of things.
LOL, yeah, I've been there! I've been working on my health the past three years, and in the process have been able to correct a lot of hormonal imbalances and vitamin deficiencies. As I was approaching my 40's my periods had gotten really long and wierd... spotting a lot, before and afterward... sometimes it would be two weeks in length with all of that. Ick!! But since fixing a lot of stuff I'm back to regular PMS 5-7 days before, and a 5 day-ish period. It's been awesome!

I till expect it to vary, as I'm approaching my mid-40s, but I'll do whatever I can to help it along.

The funniest thing about the random anxiety on Monday was that it hit when I was feeling happy and content and no worries. It really helped me see that the hormonal anxiety thoughts are not always driven by where I really AM at the moment. I think because these past few months have been pretty brutal in the anxiety, worry, dealing with issues, blah blah blah, that whenever those anxiety thoughts hit, I was already in an anxious mood, so I attributed it to my general state of mind. Now I'm seeing that's not always the case.

I think next time though, I won't just try to sleep, I'll get up and read or something until I get tired again. Trying to control them WHILE falling asleep... failed experiment #1.
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