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  #11  
Old 07-29-2011, 04:03 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I have to say, too... that I understand the disappointment. I don't get attracted to people very easily and over the past 10ish years, I've only had some "I wanna" feelings for a few people. None of them were in the position to move forward and it was disappointing because yes, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but for some reason I don't connect that way very often.

Still, I feel better about it in the long run. Disappointed, but able to live with myself! LOL
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  #12  
Old 07-29-2011, 06:03 PM
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Well, my opinion is pretty much covered here. Really destructive idea. If I were you I would tell this person why I wouldn't involve myself with him as a heads up that he has major work to do and life changes to make. He is on a path to major destruction, pain, cruelty and a whole lot of craziness. Why not change it up and take the healthy root and get about fixing his relationship or leaving.

You might want to do a tag search for "cheating" there are some really good stories and discussions here that could help him and you.
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  #13  
Old 07-30-2011, 02:04 PM
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VeronicaE VeronicaE is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I have to say, too... that I understand the disappointment. I don't get attracted to people very easily and over the past 10ish years, I've only had some "I wanna" feelings for a few people. None of them were in the position to move forward and it was disappointing because yes, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but for some reason I don't connect that way very often.
Yeah... when I wrote here, I thought "maybe there's a viewpoint, an aspect of it that makes it alright to go ahead, and I'm just failing to see it". But it seems there wasn't, darn!
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  #14  
Old 07-30-2011, 02:09 PM
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VeronicaE VeronicaE is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You might want to do a tag search for "cheating" there are some really good stories and discussions here that could help him and you.
I will.
I do not feel like talking him into anything, though (meaning poly). I don't intend to be a poly-activist (except for translating to Spanish some books on the subject, maybe, which would benefit a lot of people who don't speak English).
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  #15  
Old 08-02-2011, 04:18 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeronicaE View Post
I will.
I do not feel like talking him into anything, though (meaning poly). I don't intend to be a poly-activist (except for translating to Spanish some books on the subject, maybe, which would benefit a lot of people who don't speak English).
I don't think you'd be talking him into anything. It might be helpful to him to have that conversation with you and actually consider why he was thinking about cheating in the first place. If he has feelings that can't be contained by an exclusive monogamous relationship, they're not going to go away just because you do. You both shouldn't presume how his girlfriend will react either. Vale la pena!

I am involved with someone who passed through that scenario once before we met and have worked with him quite a bit on honestly and seeing that there are other options outside of the mono/cheating model. It's really not self-evident in this culture.
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  #16  
Old 08-02-2011, 04:35 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I'm with polyexplorer on this one. I fell in love with my married neighbor (and his wife and I were friends). Do I feel guilty about our affair? Not one bit. She was horrible to him. I saw it first hand. The way I see it? I did her a FAVOR. She has tried to turn around and blame it all on me -- interesting, as she is with someone new and appears to be very happy with him...

Anyway, true -- it's not black and white. Follow your own conscience.
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  #17  
Old 08-08-2011, 12:32 AM
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VeronicaE VeronicaE is offline
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Thanks to everybody for responding.
I basically sent him away on the grounds that he was cheating on his wife.

Still, I have this uneasy feeling about myself now.
I feel it's patronizing to tell someone how to live their life. And I feel I kind of placed myself above him, in a way, by implying: "I'm superior because I'm honest and you're a cheater". And I don't like that...

Well, just that. I guess this is no black or white subject.
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  #18  
Old 08-08-2011, 01:15 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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It's not patronizing to take care of yourself. You are not holding yourself as superior - just saying 'This situation is not for me.' He can go do whatever he wants. Don't be uneasy over putting your ethics first. It's what an adult has to do to be authentic and loving.
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  #19  
Old 08-08-2011, 07:37 PM
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^^ I agree.

You weren't telling him what to do with his life (as if he'd listen anyway, if you were); you were only saying what works for you. It's not saying you're superior as much as it's saying you're ethical. You might even have done him a favor by it and made him think some more about it, perhaps have him look inward a bit and come to terms with his choices, who knows? But you can hold your head high knowing you did what's right for YOU. Good for you. You don't owe him anything.
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  #20  
Old 08-14-2011, 12:15 AM
PolyInNJ PolyInNJ is offline
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I know you've already come to your decision, but just needed to say this: Don't ever be anyone else's dirty little secret. Been there. done that. got the t-shirt. Not worth the demoralization to your self worth in the end. I finally ended things with him a few months ago and ahve never been happier.
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