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  #11  
Old 07-29-2011, 03:36 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oops. Established Relationship Intimacy. Got the abbreviation right, the actual words wrong. hehe!

Intimacy is bigger (and can, or should be, more fulfilling) than mere newbie energy.
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  #12  
Old 07-29-2011, 03:46 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oops. Established Relationship Intimacy. Got the abbreviation right, the actual words wrong. hehe!

Intimacy is bigger (and can, or should be, more fulfilling) than mere newbie energy.
I agree wholeheartedly! I think that whole rush of feelings is nice, but really, it's just chemicals, LOL. Maybe my education is ruining me, but the fact is that our bodies dish out a rush of chemicals that's similar to many drugs (and effects the same part of the brain). Eventually the chemicals even out, which is good because otherwise none of us would get anything done!

Now the new part of discovering somebody new is great, and having tons of stuff to talk about...

But for me, knowing I can talk about anything with my hubs, that I can be open and vulnerable with him, that he knows my weaknesses and flaws and still loves me, and that he knows my strengths sometimes better than I do-- that is love. And to me, that is HOME.

One thing I'm learning lately is that it can be easy to fall into ruts with the person we have been in a relationship with. All kinds of ruts, not venturing out to do new stuff together, taking for granted all of the things they do and are for us. The biggest, though, I think is in assuming we completely know them. I know *I* have changed a lot in the past 11 years, why would I assume he hasn't? I'm learning that there can be a lot to discover about that person we have been with for so long... and those discoveries can give that relationship a little bit of new, mixed in with the comfort of old.
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  #13  
Old 07-31-2011, 11:07 AM
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Thank you so much everyone for your input!

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Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
Since j and I are in a new relationship it is nice to go from a hurtful conversation that doesn't get B and I anywhere to going to J and just instantly connecting. The compassion is there as well as the love and communication. It is hard not to compare the two but I don't because they really aren't comparable.
I have the same thing. Actually just a couple days ago all four of us (me, JJ, rory and her husband) were hanging out together and having a great time. At the end of the night me and JJ started arguing. I felt this huge urge to just go to rory, talk with her and totally ignore JJ. I didn't do this though, because it would've been ignoring the problem instead of dealing with it. Eventually we did work it out and it's all fine now, but those kind of situations scare me a bit. I feel like it would be a bit too easy to just get caught up in the seemingly easier new relationship. We haven't really argued with rory, not once. I'm pretty sure that some day we will though. I know, it's just the NRE messing with my head and saying everything is easier with rory even though I'm sure we will have our own difficulties later as well.

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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
Mya: You're definitely not alone. My relationship of 5 years does not feel as urgent and full of passion and 'gaze into your soul' moments as the 6 month old relationship does. That new partner and I have quite some sparks going on...lol

Now I've worried about that a bit, only to be reminded that the NRE eventually does fade and gives way to a more settled and comfortable state, like the one I feel with my initial partner.

In the meantime, I'm convinced that Yoda has it right...just DO, lol. Make the efforts, create special times and try to maintain/refresh the connection you share with your long time love. I've been putting more thoughts and efforts in my interactions with my husband and it seems to help me feel closer to him.
Yes, I really try to keep in mind that NRE is basically just hormones and it will fade away at some point. You have a good point about refreshing the connection with the long time lover. I think I should do that more. He's been here at my place a little over a week now (leaving tomorrow) and things have gone quite well after all. At the beginning, when I first posted, I felt a little disappointed but then I got more and more satisfied with just being with him. But I think we should do more special things together. What we have done is we've talked a lot while he's been here. We've talked about poly stuff but other things as well. That has made a huge difference.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
As opposed to NRE, I like to say long term relationships have Established Relationship Energy, ERI. Now, it sounds like your longer term lover and you have been taking each other a bit for granted. Tell him since you aren't living together now, you need to make every moment count. Go on interesting dates, have good talks about important subjects, not just day to day "take out the garbage, feed the cats" sort of convos. If you feel you 2 are in a rut, get out of it!

ERI can be wonderful, since you know each other so well... but people do change. Don't fall into a trap of boredom. He is NOT the guy you first met. People change and grow daily. You've changed too. Treat each other to the people you are now, not just the old template.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oops. Established Relationship Intimacy. Got the abbreviation right, the actual words wrong. hehe!

Intimacy is bigger (and can, or should be, more fulfilling) than mere newbie energy.
I like what you wrote here. I do think we may have taken each other for granted and that should change. I need to start enjoying ERI more and getting to know him all over again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
One thing I'm learning lately is that it can be easy to fall into ruts with the person we have been in a relationship with. All kinds of ruts, not venturing out to do new stuff together, taking for granted all of the things they do and are for us. The biggest, though, I think is in assuming we completely know them. I know *I* have changed a lot in the past 11 years, why would I assume he hasn't? I'm learning that there can be a lot to discover about that person we have been with for so long... and those discoveries can give that relationship a little bit of new, mixed in with the comfort of old.
This is true! I realised the other day that we should talk about the same things quite often because our views on it might have changed. This had actually happened to JJ in less than a week and I'm glad we talked about that specific thing twice, otherwise I would have wrong impression on his feelings about it.
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  #14  
Old 08-04-2011, 02:29 AM
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Both NRE and ERE are beautiful things. They need to be appreciated for their different qualities.

NRE is like a waterfall, a rush of emotions, a weightless fall, a spectacle of wonder. It's loud and fills the senses to the point where you forget there is anything else.

ERE is the river after the waterfall... a settled flow, a deeper energy, more solid and dependable, usually predictable (though boulders of interest tend to pop up some times). It is a constant babble of sound filling the background - sometimes you don't notice it, but when it disappears, you realise it's missing.

Each are part of the same journey, but at different stages. Enjoy and thrive in there unique differences.
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  #15  
Old 08-04-2011, 01:59 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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Last night I spent the evening with the wife of nine years, discussing a chemistry home-school curriculum for our two girls, and whether we could purchase the books needed.

Tonight I spend the evening with the girlfriend of two and half years, probably cuddled on a sofa watching a movie or show. We may head out for Thai, something we try to do around the 2nd of every month since we have been together. It's possible I'll find myself washing some dirty dishes.

With any luck, I will also get to see min šlskare, my lover, who lives with the girlfriend. I have known her for as long as I have known the girlfriend, and in that time we have become pretty close. We just started dating. Hopefully we can steal some cuddle time (squeeeee!)....unless she has a date of her own. *sigh*

Tomorrow I have a date with someone I have been chatting with for a few weeks. This will be out first date. We'll be meeting at location halfway between out two homes, at a coffee bar. The serve chocolate fondue! Yummy. It's exciting!

Four relationships, from the old and established, to sparkly and spanking new! Each one is different, and all affecting me in different ways. Eventually new relationships fall into the pattern of the old. The Eros (passion) diminishes, and is replaced with Agape (love), Storge (affection) and Philia (friendship)


[update: The girlfriend is sick with a cold. So...perhaps not too much cuddling after all. But still I go see her!]

Last edited by nicothoe; 08-04-2011 at 02:05 PM.
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  #16  
Old 08-04-2011, 06:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicothoe View Post

Four relationships, from the old and established, to sparkly and spanking new! Each one is different, and all affecting me in different ways. Eventually new relationships fall into the pattern of the old. The Eros (passion) diminishes, and is replaced with Agape (love), Storge (affection) and Philia (friendship)
Please don't forget that the eros in an established relationship is well capable of re-igniting, even after decades together. Sometimes changes you both go through make you over into different people, and this can make you see them thru new eyes and make them super exciting all over again. And vice versa.

ERI doesn't have to be a slow deep river. Rapids and charming waterfalls can crop up at any time, if you don't allow yourselves to stagnate into a swampy backwater marsh.
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