Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #721  
Old 07-27-2011, 10:43 PM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife View Post
I haven't posted in a long while, but decided to come out of my cocoon for this.

Thank you Mo! He was understanding my stance of no one more chances, just work on your stuff. I told him I expect him to fuck up and but I need to see action of trying to learn to breath. Thats all an effort and him reading your post helped him understand. So that you both Karma and Mo!

Thanks for stopping by! It's good to hear from you again!

In the begining I was looking for somewhere to get it all out and have someone, anyone,understand what I was feeling. As things have progressed, I've just added to it with the goings on of our lives. And occassionaly looking for advice on one snag or another. I never thought what I had to say would make sense to others. I'm glad you have found it helpful. Sorry to hear about the split, hopefully things work out. If he is reading and putting in effort, as are you, I have faith it will.

Karma like the fish comment as well. I just can't see expecting anyone to be perfect. We make mistakes. I am understanding of that. Like I said, I won't be anyones door mat, but I'm not going to walk away from someone who's had backs turned on him his whole life, when he's showing me that he's trying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Beautiful posts Mo.

It's really nice to see the work the two of you have done this past year, as my hubs and I are in the middle of doing that as well. Not so much with the honesty (we got through that one finally a few years ago), but with the honest, open communication ALL of the time. It's definitely a process, but it's so worth it.
Communication is the most difficult thing. In my opinion. Not only do you need to feel safe to be honest and know that your words will be heard, but the one listening has to be strong enough in themselves to listen and not over react. It's really hard sometimes. But so worth it in the end.

As far as the trust and honesty-- yes, my husband was the same way in that he didn't fully trust me to be open to honesty, either. I can't say I blame him either, I know enough people who say they want honesty and then flip out when they get it.
Yep! This! Exactly this! And when you are conditioned for that response you get used to avoiding it

It took quite a few years for him to get it. And believe it. And still, I think his first reaction sometimes is not to tell me some things-- it's like a bad habit, it's been automatic so long it just wants to happen right away.

That's what happened the other night with Karma. And I was so upset that he had made all this progress and lied about beer! But when I calmed down I realised that it was in fact a response to what was automaticaly seen as threat. He cames home, fessed up and we moved on.

But he's worked so hard in the past couple of years, and especially this past 6 months to open up the communication and to really open himself to people in general. There's still work to be done, but then really-- how many of us DON'T have work to do?

But my life is so much more complete, and honest, and so many other things now than it ever has been. Do we still have issues come up? Yes. Do we still have communication problems? Yes. But we're learning how to deal with them better and better each time.
Exactly!
A few months ago I read your whole blog, Mo... and I've kept up with it. Mostly because some aspects really resonated with me, but also because seeing people do the work, and go through the process-- it's helped me sometimes when things get hard to see the ups and downs are part of it all, and what you do about it is the important part.
I'm sorry! Thats a lot to read But I'm glad it helped.
And now Im off to make myself dinner since Karma is out with his friend tonight.
Reply With Quote
  #722  
Old 07-28-2011, 06:45 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

So for the sake of keeping this blog honest for the way more readers than I thought I had-I'm in a mood. I'm trying to work through it and not take it out on Karma. But it's been haunting me all day.

Last night Karma asked if I minded him sleeping with his new friend when he saw her today. My only worry was STD's and his current mental health. I asked if he thought it was a good idea, he did. So I said as long as it's safe I'm fine with it.

Then we got into a pretty intense talk about his emotions. We went to bed holding hands and at some point I was woken up to kiss goodbye.

When I finaly got up I was not in the best frame of mind. My grandparents showed in my dreams which very rarely happens, and while I woke up smiling about it, it still was a "WTF was that" kind of thing. Then I checked e-mail, my mom needed me to call her regarding some things she is taking care of for me, got off the phone with her, made breakfast, realised regardless of how broke we are if I didn't go buy groceries we were going to be true college students and living off raman noodles and instant mashed potatoes. Which led to checking the bank balance. Finding that we had even less than I thought. Minor anxiety attack pending I decided to ignor any heat/air quality warnings and take my asthmatic self out to the store.

That was nice. I felt normal. There was a small breeze so I only majorly missed the a/c at stop lights. Shopping was rough. I don't deal well with humanity in that state of mind. At some point I remembered that Karma was low on pop and spent 5 minutes pacing the store deciding if it was worth interupting his time with her to call and ask. I really don't like imposing on his time with other people, especialy people he's dating. I finaly decided to call, he did not need pop. I got the rest of groceries, splurged on smokes and went home. Well started to. Had some old man give the evil eye as I got into my car which was parked in the handicaped spot. Screw you old man, I fucking hurt and this little placard says I can park here. Go give someone else the evil eye.

Somewhere on my drive home I realised what my deal was.

This was the first time Karma was sleeping with someone with my knowledge and my okay. And while I was okay with it, it's still new and odd.

I am a planner. I like to have everything in my life in it's neat and orderly place. I plan what I am going to say before I call people. I plan what I will say when I meet people. I cover every scenario and possible outcome to any situation I will find myself in.

I didn't plan for this. I don't know why. I knew it was coming. I knew he would be asking eventualy. But I have no plan in place. I had a moment where the neighbor came home and I thought it was karma (they have the same foot fall pattern and key jingle its wierd) and I instantly was like "omg, so do I ask about it right away to just get over with, do I wait till he says something?"

And then as time ticked away I got selfish and pissy. He's been with her for 12 hrs and the extent of our conversation for the day has been "do you need pop". Did he forget he has a wife at home? WTF!

I get that this is my problem . I get that he hasn't seen her in a week and 12 hours in a week is not a big deal. And it pisses me off that this is even an issue.

I like what I've heard about her. I'm okay with this relationship. I'm okay that they may or may not have slept together.

I am not okay that I am out of my routine and comfort zone.

Most of OCD is under control. I've learned little tricks to deal with my symptoms from it. But my need for planning and routines is something I have not let go of. Karma has worked with me on dealing with spontanaity. I do better with it now than I have in the past. But I'm still not completely okay with it.

Not seeing Karma all day, not talking to him all day, not knowing if they slept together, not knowing how much knowledge of their time together I want to hear or how much is not pushing their boundries. I am way out of routine and comfort zone. Even the small things like not having breakfast together, not having him here to ask how I was feeling, him not being here to take my cereal bowl to the kitchen after the cats have had the milk, not having our almost daily dream analysis, it was just wierd and threw me off.

And this is why I ask for time frames. Not to control him or demand he be home by blank time. It's so my brain can adjust to the change in routine.

So there ya have it. All out honesty. I'm okay with it all, yet not. I frustrated with myself. Yet I am chalking this up to a learning experience. I am not against him being gone for the whole day, we just need a little more communication and heads up next time.

Live and learn I guess.

Last edited by Mohegan; 07-28-2011 at 07:07 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #723  
Old 07-28-2011, 07:09 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

I 'stumbled' across this blog, and am now in love with it. Thought others may get something out of it. It goes back a few years, so I am still working on catching up but there is good stuff here.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/...that-jerk.html
Reply With Quote
  #724  
Old 07-28-2011, 10:11 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Karma came home a little bit ago. I decided the best route when asked why I was wierd on the phone was to hand him the computer so he could read my previous entry. It has always been easier for me to write than speak. I'm pretty sure most of my teenage years I only communicated with my parents through letters covered in song lyrics. Goddess they must have wondered about their fucked up kid

So he asked how much I wanted to know and I said "I guess the best thing to do is for you to tell me as much as you are comfortable with and if I need you to stop I'll tell you."

It was much easier than I thought.

In all actuality it was as I think it should be, two very good friends discussing anothers day.

They did sleep together. It wasn't the major emotional blow I was expecting. I felt my locker room male side come out. Wanting to ask how it was. I didn't. but the desire was there.

It was a good healthy talk and at the end he was grinning like a school boy because he was 'smitten'. Awwwww

He was getting ready to go to bed, as he got little sleep (it's hard being a night owl and seeing someone during the day), he asked if I minded. I thought he meant "are we done talking, are you staying up, can I go pass the hell out" so I said " I would prefer you take a shower first, but if you're that tired it's okay." He responded with "that's what I meant, I'll jump in the shower then" and gave me a kiss.

I dunno if he remembered that showering right away was one of my triggers ( after being out with Cricket before I knew about her, he would come home and immediatly shower under the story of allergies due to someones dog.) Or if his 'that's what I meant' was more "I was checking to see if there was anything I needed to do to make this not wierd".

Either way, he's in the shower, I'm in a better state of mind, the thought of him with someone else has always turned me on but I think we're both too tired to act on it, so I think I'm off to bed.

P.S. I think I'm in love with the woman who writes the blog I posted above. She's geek, she wears spider man scrubs to work and wants to fuck a man while wearing them, we have a very similar thought process on a lot of things and I'm on the second or third month of her blog. She's not that far away, if saying she lives in Boston isn't a cover for somewhere else. I think may need to find interest in long distance relationships

Last edited by Mohegan; 07-28-2011 at 10:22 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #725  
Old 07-28-2011, 12:03 PM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

Wow Mo!

That's a VERY detailed look into the thought process of a woman in a poly relationship. That was AWESOME!


TY for sharing.
__________________
There is a lid for every pot...Sometimes even two or three...
Reply With Quote
  #726  
Old 07-28-2011, 03:24 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I get it.

I think being able to see what you're feeling, question it a little, let it happen and work through it honestly is such a skill, but worth it.

I, too, often have moments when I haven't heard from hubs for a certain amount of time and my anxiety used to get really bad about that. But I'm learning to deal with it better.

I do like having time windows as well. It really helps me know what to expect, when to expect him home, or to call or text. I think at first that bothered him, because he didn't want to have that constraint of "she needs to leave by x time"... but my thought process was, you are not a single person and you do not get to just do every single thing the way you want all of the time in the moment. Sorry! I think when I said it to him that way, he started to understand that he wasn't looking at what he was getting, he was nitpicking about the very few things he needed to do for me, to make it possible.

Anyway, with him being so far away and with her all of the time, I kind of think I'm mostly over that. I had to be, out of necessity or I would have lost it completely.

And we all have those days, that is for sure!!
Reply With Quote
  #727  
Old 07-28-2011, 10:59 PM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I think at first that bothered him, because he didn't want to have that constraint of "she needs to leave by x time"... but my thought process was, you are not a single person and you do not get to just do every single thing the way you want all of the time in the moment. Sorry! I think when I said it to him that way, he started to understand that he wasn't looking at what he was getting, he was nitpicking about the very few things he needed to do for me, to make it possible.

For Karma I think it relates back to childhood again. He never got to back his own decisions and never had privacy. I try really hard to let him have his privacy even though it's a concept that makes no sense to me. And I've tried to explain why the time frame thing is so important to me. I think we've gotten to where he understands it's not about me controling what he does, I don't care when he comes home or where he goes, I just need to have some idea of what is going on or my anxiety goes through the roof.

Thanks TL. I was trying to put feelings into words and it was kind of hard at the time.

--------------------------------------------
So last night was great We weren't to tired
Reply With Quote
  #728  
Old 07-29-2011, 02:06 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Oh and aparently yes, Karma did remember my shower trigger and that's what he was checking on.

I love this man. I love where we are right now in our relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #729  
Old 07-29-2011, 02:22 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Oh and aparently yes, Karma did remember my shower trigger and that's what he was checking on.

I love this man. I love where we are right now in our relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #730  
Old 07-29-2011, 02:28 PM
Karma's Avatar
Karma Karma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wherever I'm needed.
Posts: 404
Default

So, just made the call to get set up with a therapist. That should not have been as difficult as it was... WTF am I nervous about?
__________________
This is my family. It may be little, and broken, but it's still good. Yeah, still good.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, compulsive lying, deception, forgiveness

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:28 AM.