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  #441  
Old 07-28-2011, 02:41 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default How do you deal with yourself?

This has probably been gone over a dozen times but still, I struggle. I have mostly no intellectual beef with BDSM; it's the emotional side I don't get.

I mean, I'm a devout Christian who loves bunnies and butterfly prints, wears mostly pink and works with people with intellectual disabilities. I giggle alot and believe strongly in both feminism and pacifism as worthwhile causes. And though it goes against everything I believe in and everything I think I am and want to represent, I really do like hurting people who like to be hurt.

Dominance is something that is valued and looked up to in our society. However, sadism is something that is almost never associated with anything positive or constructive. I can't shake the notion that I must not be alright in the head, or that this dark side of me somehow negates everything bright and positive I am and strive for.

Is anyone else seriously distrubed with themselves ?
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  #442  
Old 07-28-2011, 04:53 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Everyone has a dark side, and there is a yin for every yang. It is not healthy to deny that. It's religious and cultural programming that says we must feel guilty for not being pure good in thought word and deed, 100% of the time. Many diseases, especially anxiety, comes from when we suppress or fail to acknowledge a certain part of ourselves. The ticket is to recognize when acting on certain feelings is destructive or counterproductive, especially where others who have no choice in it are concerned. This is why it is reprehensible to beat your children or pets, but not so much when a top flogs or humiliates "their" bottom.

To answer your question: i'm not disturbed with myself and i think you should give yourself a break.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-28-2011 at 04:55 PM.
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  #443  
Old 07-28-2011, 07:49 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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In what regard do you see dominance valued and looked up at. Sadism is "almost" never associated with anything positive? Give me an example of the exception?

You have a great question ...others here are seeking the same answers.

Maybe it similar to blood lust type activities ....watching dog fights ....cock fights .... one animal killing another for fun ...bull fights( in Spain)they end up killing the bull ritualistically slow ....cage fights "humans "
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  #444  
Old 07-28-2011, 10:53 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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The difference is consent. You are not harming someone, because you are acting with their consent. When you refuse to take no for an answer, THEN it becomes harm. You have to make a distinction between "hurt" and "harm".

I had to accept that I, as a unique individual, have needs that aren't exactly like every other person on the planet--I have unique needs, and the person next to me has unique needs, and the person next to them has unique needs. None of us are "bad" for having these needs, just different. I get to decide for myself what is healthy for me. It makes me feel safe and calm to be restrained. Sometimes this takes the form of bondage--but bondage is not a need for everyone, and that's okay. Giving me what I need to feel safe is not harming me--denying me what I need to feel safe is harming me.

When you give pain to someone who enjoys it, you're fulfilling a need for them. In this case, hurting them does not equal harming them, it's helping them in some way, even if it's just helping them get turned on. (Because, face it, sex is a primal drive and it's very necessary for the moods of a lot of people to achieve sexual release in some way. That is not bad, it's nature.) If you had to achieve the same end by taking them out to coffee, you'd do it, right? Because there's no harm in coffee, and everyone wants their loved ones to feel good. How about a good massage? Trust me, a massage done right can leave me in more tears than a good flogging. It's painful, but it's okay because it's socially acceptable. The pain is a means to achieve something else--breaking up scar tissue, releasing toxins, relieving pain. So is the pain that you cause your bottom(s), even if the only thing you achieve is to make them happy. Happy is good, right?

Boy I hope I made sense and didn't just ramble. I never feel more inarticulate than when something is important to me.

ETA: I was disturbed for a long time because (among other reasons) I didn't see how a woman who believed in feminism could want to be a submissive, so I get what you're saying. I had to find a way to make myself see that saying that I wanted a Dominant to have power over me was NOT the same thing as saying all women should be controlled. Also, allowing someone power over me was not the same thing as saying that I was inferior.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 07-28-2011 at 11:02 PM. Reason: Adding
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  #445  
Old 07-29-2011, 01:12 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What about " cutters" I don't know the medical term or the pc term ...but people ...mostly women who cut themselves or perhaps have others cut do it for them? ...done to feel good, feel the pain. How would you assist a love one in doing this?
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  #446  
Old 07-29-2011, 01:19 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What about " cutters" I don't know the medical term or the pc term ...but people ...mostly women who cut themselves or perhaps have others cut do it for them? ...done to feel good, feel the pain. How would you assist a love one in doing this?
I would make sure the blade i use is very sharp, perhaps a fresh X-acto knife blade each time. I would also make sure it was clean by dipping it in boiling water then wiping it off with 91% isopropanol. Also, i would probably use nitrile gloves just to be on the safe side, but that would depend who the person is, what their health and medical history is like, and so forth.
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  #447  
Old 07-29-2011, 01:20 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What about " cutters" I don't know the medical term or the pc term ...but people ...mostly women who cut themselves or perhaps have others cut do it for them? ...done to feel good, feel the pain. How would you assist a love one in doing this?
Very carefully!

Piercing, branding, stapling, or artistically cutting a lover is a fetish some kinksters get into. It's usually seen as outright therapeutic, sexy and loving, and not quite in the same league as people who self mutilate. It's a form of intimacy and sharing. Self cutters usually do it in secret to numb emotional pain.
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  #448  
Old 07-29-2011, 01:29 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Vanilla consoled with me "If it's something we both enjoy, how can there be something wrong with it?"

I think that BDSM triggers very primitive responses, so that's part of the difficulty in combining it with your usual, civilized, rational self. Vanilla goes through HUGE anxiety and feels very distressed every time she is about to enter a scene with someone, and is always about to call it off at the last minute. Her rational side goes; "What the fuck am I doing? This is senseless!". And then the scene begins, and her brain just shuts down and she becomes one very happy camper indeed.

And some of it is balance, I think. She very much lives in her head, is highly determined and super-aware of her surroundings and other people - so having somebody else take away that control and assure that things are going to be alright and she should just let go and enjoy the ride provides much needed balance.

Has anyone ever "retired" from BDSM for longer periods at a time because it was not possible for some reason in that stage of life (lack of partners/energy/bad experiences/too busy/other things to sort out)? If so, did you miss it?
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  #449  
Old 07-29-2011, 01:33 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
In what regard do you see dominance valued and looked up at. Sadism is "almost" never associated with anything positive? Give me an example of the exception?
Frankly, I can't come up with a single example of sadism being associated with anything positive outside of the BDSM circles, but wary of general statements in principle, I added the "almost".

And I think our culture views personal power and leadership still very much as power OVER someone, being able to make others do things they wouldn't normally do. This is an awfully narrow definition of power but I think it's seen as worth pursuing by many people; rather be the one giving orders than taking them.
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  #450  
Old 07-29-2011, 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Has anyone ever "retired" from BDSM for longer periods at a time because it was not possible for some reason in that stage of life (lack of partners/energy/bad experiences/too busy/other things to sort out)? If so, did you miss it?
Yes. My gf went thru a rough emotional patch for about 6 months, where she could barely manage brief vanilla sex, much less the awesome kinky stuff she'd gotten me accustomed to. I was quite bereft and cranky! (Also my boytoy stopped coming around in the same period! We used to do some kinky stuff too.) Thank god the gf is feeling much better these days and we are back to "normal."
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