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  #21  
Old 07-26-2011, 02:26 PM
sundrop sundrop is offline
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dont delete you stuff becuase of me .. Obviously you dont know me all that well while I could really do without the entire world knowing my business it really doesnt matter to me . I will be fine I always am you venting doesnt bring me down doesn't change the way I think or feel , Just makes me realize I need to change some stuff and makes me wonder if I am really cut out for this lifestyle things which I always wonder about nothing your posts have brought up so keep on talking keep on trucking its all gunna be fine . It doesnt matter what my friends think it doesnt matter what my crazy mom thinks or does I am going to do what I want regardless of anyone thinks says or does . So u keep on getting ur advice and talking to people who know what your going thru cuz Every little things gunna be allright
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  #22  
Old 07-26-2011, 03:32 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Originally Posted by sundrop View Post
dont delete you stuff becuase of me .. Obviously you dont know me all that well while I could really do without the entire world knowing my business it really doesnt matter to me . I will be fine I always am you venting doesnt bring me down doesn't change the way I think or feel , Just makes me realize I need to change some stuff and makes me wonder if I am really cut out for this lifestyle things which I always wonder about nothing your posts have brought up so keep on talking keep on trucking its all gunna be fine . It doesnt matter what my friends think it doesnt matter what my crazy mom thinks or does I am going to do what I want regardless of anyone thinks says or does . So u keep on getting ur advice and talking to people who know what your going thru cuz Every little things gunna be allright
I am not deleting it because of you. I don't need the extra drama in my life that this has caused. It does matter to you that that I post on here. I know you are cut out for anything in life. I might not be real happy right now but I know you are a strong person. Honestly I would rather he be gone every night and him be happy than you walking away, or talking about walking away every time I say or do something wrong. You will do whatever you want because you are a grown woman and don't need anyone or anything. But he needs you. I will deal with my issues in my head where it is safe from damaging anything else in my life. I know you think I am just selfish or looking for the sympathy vote but your wrong. I really was doing everything I could think of to help you with all of this. I'm just not like you I guess so it just keeps back firing. I am sorry. I really want to two of you to be happy so I will shut up and back off. Have a good day.
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  #23  
Old 07-26-2011, 05:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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LHLH,
This forum can be a real resource and help to you. Obviously there are many inequities and issues going on, and you are not getting the attention and acknowledgment you need from your husband. It doesn't seem like your living arrangement is fair for everyone in a lot of ways (you need to work more to support the household, yet she only supports herself?), and you have been under a great deal of stress. There is nothing wrong with hubs' GF (sundrop?) backing off to give you and your hubs time to reconnect. You are his primary, correct? And yet she has him five nights a week - that just doesn't make any sense to me. In fact, if I were you, I'd say that without more time with your husband, your quad can't really function very well at all. You need more stability and health in your primary relationship if poly is going to work for any of you.

You don't need to delete your profile or stop posting. One thing you can do is contact members via PM to have private discussions. If there is a member whose feedback and posts you like, click on their username and you will see an option to "Send Private Message" if they have allowed for that in their User Controls. If you delete your account, you can't do that.

Don't go.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-26-2011 at 05:08 PM.
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  #24  
Old 07-26-2011, 05:41 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I really was ok with the 5 nights a week thing. I was really in a good place till last night. Sundrop is her own person I don't expect her to help take care of my family. She already has brought groceries over and has fixed a couple amazing dinners. She is really a great person I just don't know how to help her deal with all of this. i thought I was helping but it seems as though I keep making things worse. I started going to a poly friendly counselor to help me and I thought I was doing better. Now ......I just don't know.
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  #25  
Old 07-26-2011, 05:56 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I really was ok with the 5 nights a week thing. I was really in a good place till last night. Sundrop is her own person I don't expect her to help take care of my family. She already has brought groceries over and has fixed a couple amazing dinners. She is really a great person I just don't know how to help her deal with all of this. i thought I was helping but it seems as though I keep making things worse. I started going to a poly friendly counselor to help me and I thought I was doing better. Now ......I just don't know.
I'm hearing you taking a lot of responsibility for other people's feelings and happiness. Not that our actions don't affect others, they do... but each of us has to own our OWN happiness or unhappiness. If she's having issues figuring things out, my thought is that it's her responsibility to go out and do some reading and asking of questions and personal soul searching and then communication with you all. That's NOT your job. Of course, offering suggestions or listening when she needs to talk is part of being in this relationship, but it's not YOUR job, nor can you, make her feel better.

You seem like you're the kind of person that gives of themselves completely in order to make other's feel better or get what they want. Eventually, though, you run out of what you can give. The fact that you're having crying episodes is proof of the fact that you are giving past your ability to do it "healthfully". Sometimes making sure our own needs are met and that we are getting what we need is one of the best things we can do for those around us, because only then can we truly be all there for them. It's not selfish to ask for a bit more of what you need, whatever you decide that is. Maybe being able to be natural around your hubs when she's there is needed, maybe one more night with him alone, maybe having him listen to you and accept your feelings instead of blowing you off -- only you can decide what it is that will make the situation more equitable.
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  #26  
Old 07-26-2011, 06:10 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I think I have decided to do what everyone else does and just deal with me. I can only try so much but when i fail every time there is no point to it any more. I will live my life and enjoy my kids and my OSO and see where hubby and sundrop decide they feel the most comfortable. I don't want anyone to think I come on here to get people to feel bad for me. I'm pretty sure that is what my family is thinking is happening here. When I say family I mean SD too I don't think she is comfortable with that but it is how I see her. She is family to me and was a good friend too.
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  #27  
Old 07-26-2011, 06:24 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I think I have decided to do what everyone else does and just deal with me. I can only try so much but when i fail every time there is no point to it any more. I will live my life and enjoy my kids and my OSO and see where hubby and sundrop decide they feel the most comfortable. I don't want anyone to think I come on here to get people to feel bad for me. I'm pretty sure that is what my family is thinking is happening here. When I say family I mean SD too I don't think she is comfortable with that but it is how I see her. She is family to me and was a good friend too.
I don't think people are feeling "bad" for you. They are giving you honest opinions about what they see going on with the benefit of experience in having been there-done that.

Of course any advice you can take or leave... but my feeling is that if your family is having issues with you being there, then maybe they need to look at themselves first and figure out WHY it's an issue for them. Maybe they've just been doing what they want to, and don't want to think that it's not working for you. Or maybe they've been too into their NRE to see how others are being affected. Or maybe because you've been "good" with everything they had no idea there were issues. All of these things happen in mono relationships, too, unless people talk about what's going on.

But if somebody is not listening to you, and not wanting to really hear your feelings-- Whether They Do Anything Differently Or Not-- then maybe they're not ready for multiple relationships as having that ability (or developing it) is VITAL. No relationship is going to survive if one person is blowing off the other people's feelings. They dont' have to understand them, they don't have to agree with them. But they DO need to listen and accept them.
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  #28  
Old 07-26-2011, 06:36 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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The only thing I wasn't ok with was how I felt my husband.....I don't know, felt about me or treated me. I am ok with the time and the relationship. The thought of her walking away breaks my heart. not just for my hubby but for me and the kids too. I don't think she realizes how important she is to all of us. Maybe she does I don't know I obviously don't know her as well as I thought. I know I would NEVER let some random chick this far into my family if I didn't know with out a shadow of a doubt that she was perfect for my hubby. My kids are 13, 8, 7 and 6. I try to protect them from getting their heart broke too. I opened my life, my world my everything to SD and try to help her with get used to this life. I will always worry she isn't cut out for it but hell I worry about that with my self. I don't have people to talk to about this. People don't understand me or why I enjoy seeing my husband with someone who I feel makes him happier than I can. Not to mention if I say anything then it might have been passed around town and blown way out of proportion.
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  #29  
Old 07-26-2011, 06:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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A few things occur to me: it sounds like you are perhaps grieving your relationship with your husband, which has changed radically. That is not a bad thing, necessarily, but change sometimes takes time to deal with. I would try to find ways to combat depression because it sounds like you are a little of that as well.

Also, it looks like you and your husband really need to communicate better, and to reconnect. You feel he is not treating you as well or as respectfully as he did or should - talk, talk, talk! But find specifics to say, otherwise he won't know what to do with it. Tell him exactly what he does or doesn't do that is hurtful to you, AND ask him not to interrupt but to truly listen!

You mentioned seeing a therapist - maybe he should go along with you for at least a few sessions. I also think it would be good for him to join and post his side here.

I just read your post on SunDrop's thread. I still think you are shouldering much more burden in making these relationships work than you need to. So, what was it that happened last night that opened your eyes to how SunDrop feels?
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #30  
Old 07-26-2011, 07:13 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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It was a combination of text messages and posts on here. I have talked to hubby today and he understands what I have been feeling. i know this sounds stupid but I didn't talk to him before because i kept hoping I could deal with it on my own and I wouldn't have to bother anyone with how I was feeling. The crying for no reason all day only happens on days where I am feeling neglected or like today when i feel like I have messed it all up. I would love for him to post on here but he isn't good with sharing his feelings and isn't sure how to put them into words. I was doing so good hadn't cried like this in a week or two. but as soon as I got home and started getting text messages it was over again. All the good I thought was happening went out the window. I feel like a hamster on a wheel trying to get to that place that may not even exist for me but trying and trying then someone reaches in and stops the wheel and I go flying. Head over heels and splatting on the ground all over again.
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