Vixtresses' Blog (Mostly Ramblings)

[vixtresses]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

Hopefully this doesn't sound condescending but how old is this roommate?

She reminds me of some people i used to hang around in my twenties... very petty and judgmental and felt you should live your life the way THEY would, no understanding that everybody is different and has to decide for themselves.

Anyway, what I've learned from my old-er age is that people like this you really can't change and they will more than likely never see your relationship the way you do-- they will see it through their eyes and their view of how things should be.

As long as you and romeo and this new guy are all honest and respectful and communicating, which it sounds like you all are, then that's all that really matters.

As for her ranting about you, I would say that at some point you, or Romeo, needs to stop her and say "I realize you have issues with this situation, but we are all adults and are acting responsibly. Calling people names is not acceptable, and this relationship is none of your business, so your opinions about it are no longer welcome." And that's it. She won't like it, so what. It isn't her business. Who her brother dates is NONE of her concern, and the disrespectful tone needs to be addressed.

You may want to at some point look for another living situation...

Believe it or not, she's 30.

But yes, your description of the people you hung around with in your 20s sounds very similar. She has this idea in her head of "common sense", which consists of her own personal views and anything else is, to her, obviously wrong or stupid or both.

I've come to pretty much accept that she is the way she is, and I can tolerate her on a very superficial level, but living with her sucks.

I like what you said one of us should tell her, though. I think I'll show it to Romeo and we'll see if one of us can say something like that to her next time she says something.

But yeah... Romeo and I have talked about wanting to find a new living situation for well over a year now (probably closer to two). It really sucks.

Originally Posted by nycindie

Ugh, get rid of the pissy, immature roommate! I would not stand for anyone I am living with to direct such venom my way. Really, you don't need that shit in your living space -- your home should be a place to recharge and a sanctuary from people like that.

I'd love to get rid of the roommate. Problem is we are all sort of stuck because neither of the two couples can afford a place of our own. Rentals here are expensive, and while we all have jobs, none of us have well paying jobs. We're essentially college kids (except I'm the only one in college... go figure), and our incomes reflect it.

I guess we could start looking into finding a new roommate for the place we live in... or a new place with new roommates. But we really don't make enough money for even a 1/1 or studio apartment in our area. I also have some fear of jumping from the frying pan into the fire - what if new roommies are even worse? But then, I think a lot of our problelms stem from being personally involved, since we all started off as friends. Maybe a business-only arrangement would be more peaceful.

[River]

Originally Posted by nycindie

A few days later I send a message to his phone -- the subject was "My Pussy" and it was a pic of my cat. He responded with "My Junk" and it was a pic of his toolbox overflowing with stuff in his workshop. Tee-hee.

Lol. I did that once with "my big cock" with a picture of a rather large rooster.

[vixtresses]

OK, you know what? Screw it. I just made a profile on roommates.com. It's a long shot - we've got a dog and a cat (both little, but still), but who knows. It could happen. If it does, it'd be a welcome relief.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by vixtresses

OK, you know what? Screw it. I just made a profile on roommates.com. It's a long shot - we've got a dog and a cat (both little, but still), but who knows. It could happen. If it does, it'd be a welcome relief.

The place you're in now -- is it yours and she lives there? Or would you be looking for a new place to move into? What kind of agreement do you have? Just wondering if it's a situation where you can ask her to find a new place.

I think it's a good move to see what else is out there. You shouldn't just say it's hard to find without even looking, right?

[vixtresses]

Right now we're all sharing a lease. She and I are the primary lease holders, and our respective men are listed as "occupants" on the lease. She and I moved in together originally, and later on Romeo moved in, right around the time she met and moved her husband in.

I don't think I'd be comfortable even asking if they'd be willing to find another place. We certainly can't even hope to afford the place on our own. I could just imagine us ending up stuck with it. The lease is coming to an end soon, anyway, so maybe we can work something out.

Romeo said she actually mentioned something about not living together anymore during her tirade about my supposed sluttiness. I don't know if she was serious or not, though. She's said things like "Well, if you don't like it, you should move somewhere else!" before in a hissy fit, but nothing ever came of it.

[Minxxa]

Yikes. Yeah, that kind of stuff where you live is so taxing... but I do understand being stuck for periods of time.

I do think though that in the meantime establishing boundaries is essential. Maybe you and Romeo could craft some good "one liners" for different subjects and then just repeat them to her every time she starts to go off. Something like "I see that the situation is disturbing to you, but our relationship is none of your business and I would appreciate you keeping your comments about it to yourself." Something very middle of the road and calm, but clearly expressing that your relationship is none of her business and to butt the F out.

And maybe if she talks about not living together again... "If the intimate details of our personal relationship are that disturbing to you, perhaps you are right that living together is not a good idea."

Maybe if she gets the idea that her opinions on your personal matters won't be tolerated, and that her being offended doesn't bother you, she'll get upset enough to move out.

Sucky situation though...

[vixtresses]

Yeah... I worry about establishing boundaries about this particular situation because so far, the situation with this guy is relatively unacknowledged. It'd be so much easier if I didn't live with his sister; we could just go on with life as "friends" and nobody would need to be the wiser. I guess we could just do that as it is, but there will certainly be speculation, and I'm not sure how to respond if faced with direct confrontation about that speculation.

We talked again about those concerns in person the other night, actually. He had a lot of apprehension about how things would work in terms of Romeo's feelings now or down the line. He was also pretty sure that if we (theoretically) decided to pursue a relationship of some sort, his very traditional family would alienate him. He isn't new to that sort of alienation from them, and it seemed like he wasn't sure how he would feel about that, but it sounds like an altogether bad thing to me.

There was another concern... Oh yeah. He was also not sure how he would feel about it if (again, theoretically) we ended up in a relationship and two years down the line (or any given number of years/months/whatever) I decided I wanted to pursue yet another relationship. I said something about going at the pace of the slowest person and being considerate of feelings. He acknowledged that, but said that it would be unfair if it turned out to be something that I really wanted and he turned out to be uncomfortable with it. I didn't really know what to say at that point. I think I mentioned the practicality issue - I probably don't have time for indefinite numbers of relationships, anyway.

The conversation was only minimally awkward, surprisingly. In the end, with so many questions that I didn't have definite answers to, I said that there was a lot of information online that might help him sort things out. He asked me to send him some links, so I did that yesterday.

Today I'm kind of nervous about this. I really enjoy his company. I really like making out with him, too. I admire the fact that he's upfront about where he stands, even if he's not sure where that is.

So... big heavy conversation. Now what? Actually, I think he asked that, and I said something along the lines of not needing to make any big decision about it right now. I said that I'd been making a conscious effort not to take things too seriously.

Despite the open and emotionally mature conversation, I'm not holding my hopes too high on this one. I have a feeling the family thing is going to be the kicker here, especially since I live with his sister.

Humbug. And he's really good looking, too! Darnit.

[nycindie]

It always puzzles me when people decide not to jump into something based on predicting the future or some idealized scenario they imagine could happen. What if two years from now... what the?! Young people today worry so much! Whatever happened to "love the one you're with?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5IVuN1N6-Y

[vixtresses]

I know, right? That's kind of what I was thinking, but I'm trying to be hands-off, no pressure... He's actually not THAT young, though. He's 35.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by vixtresses

He's actually not THAT young, though. He's 35.

That's young to me! Though my new beau is even younger than that, haha!