Need advice, or encouraging word (long read)
I need some help from you guys and gals. Or encouraging words. If any of this is possible.
Wife and I are involved with another couple. Check my intro post for more details on that. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12404 ) This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I have been thru my full range of emotions weekly for the last two months. I went thru them twice just today. From the feeling like I was on top of the world, to feeling like the waves were crashing in and dragging me out to sea and drowning me. All of this centers around the other woman, A.
Breakdown of us:
Guilty2-me, husband to Guilty, boyfriend (I think??) to A
Guilty-Wife to Guilty2, girlfriend of A and S
A-other woman of this quad, married to S, girlfriend of Guilty and me (I think)
S-other man of this quad, married to A, boyfriend to Guilty, great friend of mine, more like brothers.
A has issues that she either canít or wonít deal with, and I donít know what that is. One minute, she says she loves me, next she acts like I am an acquaintance of hers. (Guilty goes thru this with her too, but for this conversation, I will just talk about me in all this.) We may go three or four days and talk on the phone every day. Then we may go a week and not talk. We text and IM everyday, several times a day in most cases. But that just cant substitute a verbal conversation. Last time I saw her was Sunday afternoon. It is now Friday night. I have spoken to her twice on the phone. Once Tuesday for 4 minutes and 30 seconds. She had a meltdown Wednesday. She has severe back and shoulder problems, which will require surgery. She is always in constant severe pain.She has been going back and forth to doctors so they can poke and prod to decide what to do. She had doc appointment Wednesday. It finally got to her, along with some other issues of hers, and she lost it. She called me to talk about it. Not the first time she has talked to me about some issues and fears of hers before she talked to her husband. I have always been there for her when she needed me. But when I have needed or wanted to talk to her any other time this week, she has always had some excuse why she could not talk. We texted as always, but she kept having reasons she could not talk on the phone. This has been an issue of mine from the beginning, and I have talked to her about it several times.
Month or so ago, her grandmother passed. It was around 1am on a Friday morning. I work night shift. I left work at 7am Friday morning, and drove 2 hours to where she lives to be with her. (Her husband, S drives a truck and is only home every 3 weeks. He was in D.C. when this happened.Got home next day.)She needed me, and I was there, no questions asked. I stayed with her most of the day, then drove 2 hours back home, showered and went to work. No sleep. Guilty left going over there Friday afternoon to stay with her Friday night. I left work Saturday and drove back to her house and stayed with her all Saturday. S got home about the same time as I got there. I picked him up at a truck stop and took him on to the house with me. I spent most of the night with them, trying to be there for her. The visitation was Saturday afternoon. Funeral was Sunday. I went to funeral Sunday, and spent most of Sunday with her. Then drove back home, got 2 hours of sleep and then went to work Sunday night. I figured it up, and that weekend, I went over 3 days with no sleep. None at all. For over three days!!!! Almost 90 hours of being awake. All for her.
I cant even get a phone conversation with her, because she always has something going on to where she cant talk. I donít think I deserve this from her.
I am not asking for a long, drawn out talk everyday, but a good 20 to 30 minute convo every other day or so is not too much to ask, I think. Like I said, she says she loves me and considers both me and Guilty as family. Like the 4 of us are one family. But I donít feel it a lot of times. Not from her. I donít leave family hanging and not talk to them for days at a time because I am ďbusyĒ.
I am at my wits end. I want to walk away from this, but I cant. I have poured my heart and soul into this relationship we are all trying to build, and into her. I have invested too much of me, my time, my life into her and this quad. Guilty has as well as S. A is the one that holds things back and causes most of the drama. (refer to my intro post). We have had to bring her back from meltdowns on several occasions, due to issues she had, but would not talk about until she just started to shut down. Well, now it is my turn. I cant just walk away, cause I love her too damn much. I have feelings for her as I do my own wife. Guilty and I have discussed this a few times. She has same type feelings for S, and he for her. She is the ďwildcardí if you will. One week, or day, she is ok, in love and loves everyone,, the world is happy. Then she regresses. Time and time again. But I still cant walk away. It will hurt not only me, but Guilty, and S. I am sure that A will not allow S to continue talking to Guilty if this quad ends. They talk every day. Guilty is the stable person he needs to be able to talk to, cause A is such an emotional rollercoaster, that he cant talk to her about everything. I donít want to take that away from him or Guilty. I know guilty loves A, and I donít want to take that away either. I donít want to lose her either. I donít want to cause her any more undue stress. I donít want to not be there for her when she needs me. And I know she will need me again at some point. But I donít know what to do. She makes loving her so damn difficult, but I cant quit. I feel like I am headed for a major derailment, but donít know how to stop. I cant abandon ship, I cant ride it down to the bottom of the ocean. Just donít know what to do.
Sorry this is so long. It would take about 6 hours of verbally talking to someone to adequately explain the whole thing. I am trying to cram some of that into this post. So, hopefully yall have an idea of what is going on.
Dazed, confused, numb, lost