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  #11  
Old 07-12-2011, 07:45 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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It's a good sign you're keeping the communication going.

As for her reaction that she's feels she's defending her feelings, that an understandable reaction. One simple technique you might try is telling her how you have derived benefit from sharing your worries with helpful, concerned people. Rather than "you need to..." it's "this worked for me."

Another idea that I've found helpful ("this worked for me" ) is the concept that the person who has a clearer vision of the communication styles involved should adjust his or her style to account for the other. In other words, if you have a better understanding of something and are aware of that fact, it's on you not to wait for the other person to catch up but to slow down and reach out to that person in a way that is helpful to him or her according to what suits them. In your case, if you see things that could help Q with her struggles, you would want to find ways to frame that help in terms that Q can understand and accept. (Often people offer help but on their own terms rather than the recipient's terms.)

Best of luck to the both of you. *hug*
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  #12  
Old 07-13-2011, 03:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clairegoad View Post

I have a hard time talking about feelings. My girlfriend will ask a question three times. Usually the first answer is facade, the second is politically correct and the third answer is emotionally honest. I get rather snippy by the third answer.. but it is honest.
Sigh... my ex was like this. After 30 years of marriage and several years of counseling, couple and individual, he never did get out of this communication rut. I'd had enough.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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  #13  
Old 07-16-2011, 06:02 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Hi handknit!

I'm the wife in a very similar situation. I'm married to Poppa, and we both have a relationship with Pinky.

I can totally relate to what the wife is feeling. I, too, thought I could handle this easily. The fact is, it's not easy. I've been with Poppa for 14 years - married for 4. It's difficult to see your Husband doing all those NRE things with someone new. Especially after the NRE has worn off after 14 years! For me, it opened a whole can of worms...you might read my thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8301 - I've posted since close to the beginnng. It might help you understand my/her perspective a little.

Best of luck! I hope you can all figure it out. I'll be sending positive energy your way
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  #14  
Old 07-22-2011, 07:56 AM
handknit handknit is offline
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Hi all! Sorry to leave you all hanging a bit---the last week and a half have been a bit of a rollercoaster, emotionally.

I met with Q and told her that I would step back from the relationship with Z if she would agree to examine and maybe work on getting past her unease at him getting involved with me. She was hesitant (and very insistent that her feelings wouldn't change no matter what, ever), but she agreed. This worked fine until all three of us were together, and then I was angry and resentful and jealous and pretty much in tears the whole weekend. Z was also unhappy, but he's pretty good at concealing his emotions, whereas I---especially around people I trust and love---tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a bit. There was a bit of discussion but we all three were at an impasse and very upset about it. By the time I got home on Sunday, I was pretty much trying to prepare myself to let go of them and walk away. I couldn't stand being so miserable, but I didn't want to make Q miserable either; she deserves better than to feel even a fraction as bad as I felt.

Q and Z apparently talked that night, though, and got somewhere with their discussion, because Q decided that she'd rather see us happy and work on her jealousy than remain stubborn over getting what she wants and watch us be miserable. So I'm currently cautiously optimistic about our ability to work things out.

Our next plan of attack is to each decide what, exactly, we're looking for from this relationship, and what, if any, boundaries and rules are needed to get there. I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm not entirely sure of what I want; ideally I'd like to be considered an equal partner, rather than a secondary or a 'third', but I realize that in many ways that will never be possible and there's certainly nothing to be done to make it happen right now. I may ask that we strive for some sort of balance, though, especially in terms of time we spend together. I also plan to ask that the relationship remain closed at least until some of that balance is achieved, though again I realize that complete equality may never occur. I suppose we'll see; this has been an excellent exercise in learning to be patient and letting things go where they will.

(Hey mods, could you whoosh this over to life stories? I have a feeling it may go on a while...)
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  #15  
Old 07-22-2011, 04:39 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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You mentioned that Q gets defensive when you try and discuss the issues she is having, you may want to take a look at how you are approaching it. Words like "why" immediately put me on the defensive. My husband thinks he is trying to understand and open a discussion, but I feel like I'm being attacked. Our therapist told him he can't use "why" because it is a negative word and does put people on the defensive. I can't even tell you how much it helped. I have no idea what put Q on the defensive, I'm just saying maybe an evaluation of your approach and look for different ways to word your questions.
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  #16  
Old 07-22-2011, 05:15 PM
handknit handknit is offline
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Oh yeah, I've definitely got to work on how I try to get her to communicate with me. Unfortunately "why" is my very favorite question And I do think it brings out her stubborn side. I'm not very good with words in general so it can be frustrating to know that such phrasing makes a difference, but obviously it does.

That's something for me to add to my own personal 'things to do' list, then.
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  #17  
Old 07-24-2011, 04:08 AM
Guilty Guilty is offline
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We are going thru something similar with 1 member of our quad. this has helped me in figuring out how to help her with her issues over me and S. thanks for posting this.
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  #18  
Old 07-27-2011, 06:18 AM
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Pinky1223 Pinky1223 is offline
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From one Unicorn to another......Just wanted to say I love this thread!! Thanks for sharing your story
Good luck working it all out

Last edited by Pinky1223; 07-27-2011 at 06:20 AM. Reason: add
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  #19  
Old 07-28-2011, 02:02 AM
Silia Silia is offline
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Yeah, the problem of someone thinking they're okay with something then suddenly realizing they're not seems to happen a lot. I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. Good luck and like Guilty I'm finding this thread a kinda helpful too.
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  #20  
Old 07-29-2011, 12:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by handknit View Post

(Hey mods, could you whoosh this over to life stories? I have a feeling it may go on a while...)
I'm not a mod, but I believe this thread is in the right place. Life stories is more blogs with occasional supportive comments. This forum, New to Poly, is more for lively discussions of certain topics, if you like more input.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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