Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-21-2011, 08:06 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default lifestyle vs. identity in polyamory

I get the feeling that some people become polyamourous as a lifestyle choice and some because they are naturally born that way and didn't know it was an option until now. What are your thoughts on that?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-21-2011, 08:24 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default

Choice ... this doesn't sound familiar, at least as far as I experienced it. I would have never choosen this out of free will, it scared me in the beginning. But I couldn't feel otherwise. I don't think that I have had a choice or even a say in this matter somehow. It just happened and I had to cope with it.

I won't judge those who heard of the term and it's meaning and felt something resonating within them, but as far as I am concerned, I would say it was just there somehow without me seeking it or even welcoming it.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-21-2011, 08:40 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I know some people who choose a poly lifestyle until as they can't find a monogamous partner that is suitable or they don't want to commit. Kind of like a viable dating alternative amongst their friends and outter circle. When someone comes along that is a keeper they settle down into monogamy quite happily.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 07-21-2011 at 08:42 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-21-2011, 09:05 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default

Maybe my definition of poly is quite narrow or something along those lines, but they can choose to love all those in order to widen their "field of possible partner material" and later just skipped those that they do not feel enough for and settle down with one of them? Was the feeling for “the rest” there at all if this is possible?

I have problems understanding this, maybe because of my personal situation. To think that there is something like an on/off switch that flips back when "the one and only" comes along is unthinkable now, as far as I am concerned, if there was love beforehand. Because this love should be equal to the one that develops when a new person comes into one's life. Love is too deep and too demanding. I can't imagine how this love can be as committed and lasting as the one, I experienced as love. I have never “chosen” to love someone.

It is hard to judge how a person feels in comparison to oneself, I don't think this is 100% possible in any case at all if I am honest, but for me this would mean: I choose to life polyamorous now and that there could be a time I meet a person more dear to me than my friend or husband now who makes me consider monogamy again and to fall out of love with those two?

To sum this up: isn't polyamory about love? Can one choose to love? And is a chosen love (as far as I understand it, a “forced” one) the same as the one that just develops on it's own?

*mumbles* this really got me confused now *scratches head*
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-21-2011, 09:16 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Maybe there are degrees of love that would make it that you could kinda love and care about several people to a certain extent and then find that you fall head over heels for one person and they become your everything so you become monogamous with them. Hence a poly lifestyle. Kind of like swinging. Its more of a weekend warrior thing. With a poly lifestyle it could be just for now. Its more honest than dating and possibly creates more depth I would think.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 07-21-2011 at 09:18 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-21-2011, 09:28 PM
just3's Avatar
just3 just3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: OK
Posts: 71
Default

Its something I think came natural years ago when I always had just multiple guy friends, and feelings for those multiple guy. Something I closed off for more years when I married and adopted a monogamous mind. Then opened up again and chose now after encouragement.
Chris
__________________
She is C He is S
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-21-2011, 10:22 PM
rosephase rosephase is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
Default

I think poly is a choice. Just like every other relationship structure. I also happen to believe that loving more then one person at a time is something everyone on the earth is capable of. But relationship structure is a choice. I don't choose to love multiple people at the same time but I do choose to peruse and work on relationships with multiple people at the same time. That is a choice I get to make.

I think it's important and powerful to make this choice when it isn't as supported by our culture. But no I was not born this way. I'm choosing to live my life this way. Granted it might be that I wouldn't be able to be as happy if I was forced to be monogamous but monogamy is just a structure and culture builds structures.

I do believe that some people are more suited for poly but I always bristle at discussions about "hard wiring" because I believe the way we make relationship is built off of what we see around us either by excepting or rejecting or not even realizing that there are other options.

We build the way relationships look. I choose this. I don't think that should make it any less important, in fact, in a way I think it's more important then some gene that is forcing us to be some way we can't help. We GET to choose. And the more information out there, the more out people, the more examples of poly in the world the easier it gets for people to see there are options. And options are good.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-22-2011, 02:21 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

I'm thinking there's a difference between being polyamorous and doing polyamory, with the first being a person's nature and the second being a lifestyle choice.

I love more than one person, and I don't think I have a choice in that matter. (I would have to close myself off socially to prevent falling in love, I think.) I only have sex with my husband; that's a choice I made because I married him, and he is not comfortable with it any other way.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-22-2011, 04:20 AM
BornEmpathinVirgo's Avatar
BornEmpathinVirgo BornEmpathinVirgo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 33
Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Maybe there are degrees of love that would make it that you could kinda love and care about several people to a certain extent and then find that you fall head over heels for one person and they become your everything so you become monogamous with them. Hence a poly lifestyle. Kind of like swinging. Its more of a weekend warrior thing. With a poly lifestyle it could be just for now. Its more honest than dating and possibly creates more depth I would think.
I think I have come to the conclusion that everyone in my life that I have loved, I have loved them in their own individual way. Meaning that each one "owns" that love. Some more intense than others but still differently in some way...just my thoughts and conclusions because Love, to me, has so so sooo many different levels.
__________________
PeaceAlwys
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-22-2011, 04:38 AM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Good topic !

I like how rosephase worded it, but I`ll take the blunt version as well.

Poly/OR is a choice for me, and therefore a lifestyle.

I believe we DO choose who we love. We all have those moments before we know we are in love. Where we feel that spark and pursue it. It is a choice to decide to pursue love with a person.

I believe in levels of trust, and levels of love. Its not something I decided first and then followed, its how I operate naturally. The things I have opened myself up to in life, I let myself follow natural paths, so I know who and what, I really am. I did this with learning about poly as well.
I`ve always been frank about my capabilities, and desires in this manner with those I date. I also don`t feel comfortable when those I ever dated, told me they loved me the same as their spouse, or girlfriend, or what-have-you. So it works both ways for me. I am not trying to take with one hand, and not give the same with the other.

I can choose monogamy for long strings of time, and I can choose multiple-loves for strings of time. Though I don`t and wouldn't ever cut a secondary off because I wanted to be mono for awhile. When the natural death of a relationship happens, I might choose to be mono for a long time. When I lost a girlfriend I cared about many years ago, I stayed happily monogamous for 4 years. Primary means more to me then someone I chose to share bills and kids with. Its a level of commitment, and depth of love, too.

I don`t feel a 'hole' in my life with only one partner. Loving more then one is a priviledge, I think. For those of us lucky enough, to be able to engage it. There are many people in the world who love more then one person ( think of all the people who carry a torch for a 'old flame', yet are married and love another. ) but are unable to pursue loving more then one, for a variety of reasons.

I feel lucky and blessed when it comes my way, but I don`t turn into a puddle without extra loves in my life. I enjoy my monogamous side, as much as my multiple-loves side.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
identity, lifestyle, monogamy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:08 AM.