Telling older children...worried!

[nouryia]

Having just recently entered the ranks of poly after being mono all my life, I wonder: How does one tell their teen and pre-teen children about secondary partners? We mostly see our secondaries when my kids from a previous marriage are away visiting their father and that's allowed me to avoid having to explain things. The kids know we're friends, but not that the relationship is a loving (and sexual) one.

I worry about what their father might think, and most of all, I worry the kids will be shocked/disgusted by the news...

[redpepper]

There are some threads that might be of interest if you do a tag search for "children" ore "kids" or "coming out"

Mostly just being honest about how you live and keeping inappropriate details to yourself. As you would with any relationship you have. Chances are they will figure it out and possibly ask questions. I find that just using the language to describe my love life is helpful. I love daddy, and Mono. Mono is my boyfriend and daddy my husband. Mono is our roomate and part of our family. I say it with confidence and make sure that everyone knows that no one is loved more than the other.

[nouryia]

Thanks Red...it's sound advice. I guess I'm worried about prejudice in general but I certainly don't want my kids to judge me. It's going to take some time..

[dingedheart]

Id be way more cautious than that ....teens and pre teens are just developing their own sexual identities ....they've had years of indoctrination ....media ..etc ...You'll be judged .....someone had similar question not long ago ...as a result I did a poll among some the summer help ...teenage boys ... Bottom line they didn't like thinking about their parents having sex ...way more disgusting thinking some unrelated guy was (banging mom) their words not mine. I'd be very careful D

[sage]

Yes I would echo dinged's concerns. Children who have been brought up around polyamory from a young age will generally be far more accepting than teens and pre-teens that haven't. My eldest daughter (in her 20s) has always known and while she doesn't agree with it she respects my decision. I told my younger daughter at 18 or 19 only when she saw this forum up on my computer and she nagged me to tell her what it was all about. She was very upset and I had to downplay the whole thing. In our case there isn't that much going on anyway. I think with her and possibly other teenagers they project their own fears of infidelity and betrayal.

My partner's kids are still adolescent and they don't know. They know about his SO and have even stayed with us when she was staying but they only know her as a good friend. Like you, my partner is afraid of his ex stopping visits due to inappropriate behaviour.

[nouryia]

Thanks Sage and Dinged...I tend to be cautious around the kids for the reasons you stated. And since my kids live with me, I don't want to stir up some custody issues should my ex find out and have the "oh my God they're perverts" knee jerk reaction, which even I, a couple of years ago, might have had. I totally did not understand polyamory until I was living it. And I still have questions, lol.

[evrchanging]

My seven year old figured it out when she found my pillow on my bf's bed. She asked him if we had sex. He navigated around it, but she knows. Yea, I would be careful with the preteen and teen age. Redpepper gave some great advice.

[nouryia]

Umm yeah, awkward. I'll try to avoid that, lol. We're slowly introducing some information to my 13 y/o daughter. She knows a few things like...my current hubby identifies as bi. She knows that our friends (my b/f, his wife and husband) form a triad and have kids together, we've had them over for dinner a couple of times. So far, she's proven open-minded. Now my 10 y/o boy hasn't been told anything, really. But then again, he didn't ask why there were 2 dads and one mom when our friends visited. I don't think he's really aware or really cares to know. I'm sure he'll ask when he's ready.

[redpepper]

I dunno, in my experience, kids here seem to know more at the pre-teen and even younger ages than I ever did! Geesh, it seems everyone is into trying out poly.... just like everyone was bi in the 90's. Maybe its just my area though?

[Seasnail]

Originally Posted by nouryia

But then again, he didn't ask why there were 2 dads and one mom when our friends visited. I don't think he's really aware or really cares to know. I'm sure he'll ask when he's ready.

It occurs to me that there's nothing new about a family that has three or four parents... Lots of families split up, find new partners, and continue being a family because of the children these days. They work together and continue to be friends, and from the outside or the child's perspective, it may look EXACTLY like a poly situation. And in most respects, it IS the same. Just not the sex, which is really none of the children's business anyway.