Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:33 AM
ZeroDrakken's Avatar
ZeroDrakken ZeroDrakken is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wilmington, OH
Posts: 18
Default

The only thing I'm curious is if she does this textbombing thing when you AREN'T alone too. It may be that she's just a constant mindless communicator and can't stand not to share her thoughts and feelings - interrupting your special time is not cool, but if she's also doing it when he's at work, out with his non-sexy friends, in the car, at the store... etc... than I'd suspect it's less malicious intent and more that she just doesn't know when to shut up. If that's the case, while it'd bother me and I might be inclined to ask him to power down the phone (or at least go on mute), I think I could forgive it. If, however, her behavior is isolated to (or at least greatly explodes in frequency during) the special time you guys have set aside, that'd bug me too.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:13 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I dunno... but hubs' GF is like this. She texts nonstop all day long every day. I went to visit him and I was all good with her texting because I didnt' want to be "no, you cannot speak to him while I'm here". And yet she texted ALL THE FREAKING DAMN TIME I was there. Literally... every hour or two , pictures, texts.... the girl can't be alone.

That freaking bugged me eventually. They just spent a weekend alone, and I didn't text ONCE in three days.

Why do I have to be the one to be respectful????
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:11 AM
sagency's Avatar
sagency sagency is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133
Default

In my experience, it seems the younger people are, the more likely they are to text constantly instead of normal, human conversation.

It seems to me that hubby is part of the issue in that he hasn't set a boundary with wife. If she texts, fine, but his replies just reinforce the behavior. If it's important, call. If not, don't expect a reply until later.

On some level, this overall story concerns me. I just get a vibe that wife is not ok but playing along because she feels like she has to. Constant texting could be a way in her view that's an acceptable lash out without admitting that she's bugged. Simply put, I think everyone needs to be more direct and make sure all are on the same page and that they have boundaries and stick to them.

As is, it sounds like you're getting only the inches of ground she begrudgingly concedes, and that's not a long-term plan.

Last edited by sagency; 07-18-2011 at 07:20 AM. Reason: typo
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-18-2011, 11:41 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,056
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I also would have only been mad at my boyfriend, and not his wife, in this situation. Nobody said he had to read or respond to the texts, and even though you have problems with what is going on with the current rules and all, it doesn't seem fair to blame her for his behavior.
Yep.

I have an LDR with a married poly guy, and we text each other almost every day. Generally we have an understanding that neither one of us needs to text back right away. If he's busy, he's busy, and nothing is that important for me to need an answer right away! I know it could be hours before he replies to a text. But we are old people, so we don't have to be constantly texting each other, and sometimes I even leave my apartment without my phone!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-18-2011, 12:38 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default

I am wondering what the source of your boyfriend's wife's very obvious jealousy might be.

Is it possible that your boyfriend and his wife are not having a lot of sex themselves? Or that she has a high libido and he isn't keeping up with her? Could she be jealous simply because you are getting something that she isn't getting much of, or enough of?

I've struggled with jealousy myself in my primary relationship and I have discovered that I'm fine with sharing something I already HAVE, where my needs for that particular thing are being met. However, if the other person is getting something I'm not getting, or not getting enough of, jealousy ensues. I am still working on this after five years of being actively polyamorous.

I am also wondering what the circumstances are that enable you to see your boyfriend almost every day. Do you work together? If not, how do you manage to have so much couples time together when you both have young children? I am raising kids too and I have almost never managed to see a secondary partner more than once or twice a week, unless we were away the rare weekend together or met at social events. And both my former secondaries were local too, no more than 15 minutes from my house.

Is it possible that the wife isn't getting much "just me time" of her own, or much quality time away from the kids with her husband, and the sexual restriction she is placing on you two is a response to that? Again, this would be a case of you getting a lot of something she is not getting, or not getting much of.

Vis a vis the texting thing, would she text in an emergency or would she call? If she would call, then all he has to do is turn off the texting alert when he is with you and set his phone aside. He does not need to read them at all when he's with you. If he's reading them and responding to her, he's enabling her in her rude behavior.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:31 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
... and sometimes I even leave my apartment without my phone!
OMG! & yr hd d't xplde!?!?
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:02 PM
Imapolygirlmaybe Imapolygirlmaybe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I can hear the resentment in your posts. Might is suggest that you view this differently and encourage the others to do the same? Boundaries are a good thing, but not about ownership over others and not if they aren't fluid. Your "rules" are fluid but one sided. You all have the right to have boundaries, so express them and be grateful that others listen and do their best to oblige. Eventually the need for such strict "rules" will subside and turn into communicating immediately what needs there are before assumptions and expectations seep in. It takes patience and a lot of time. Let this resentment you have go. I don't think it serves anyone to project that out into the world. You are fucking her husband. She didn't siign up for an emotional attachment when you started this. Be empathetic. How would you feel?

This is all very new. Have patience! Go at the pace of the one that is struggling the most (ie. her). Breath and remind your self that there is lots of time and there will be lots of struggles. This cell phone thing is pretty minor compared to most issues that land on the doorstep here. Read around and see. I think you should be grateful that things are moving forward at all.
I agree with EVERYTHING you said. EVERYTHING. You are 100% in the right. I think all those things myself. How would I feel in her place? Those are the times I remind myself that I HAVE to be more empathetic. Sometimes it's hard and I do find myself saying "she could have stopped this long ago" but she allowed it to continue. That gets us no where though so I do have to stop thinking that way. This is a huge adjustment for all of us.

Just for the record though...this cell phone thing....is NOT the biggest of our problems. It was my first post so I wanted to keep it as mild as I could to start. This IS a small thing in comparison and I totally agree with that. I am trying to let go of resentments and be more open.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:10 PM
Imapolygirlmaybe Imapolygirlmaybe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I also would have only been mad at my boyfriend, and not his wife, in this situation. Nobody said he had to read or respond to the texts, and even though you have problems with what is going on with the current rules and all, it doesn't seem fair to blame her for his behavior.

The fact that you told him it had to stop and he didn't get texts the last time seems to me that his wife is respectful of this, and it either 1. didn't occur to her that it was a problem because you didn't mention it to bf earlier and let him know it was a problem for YOU or 2. she assumed he wouldnt be enough of a ninny to answer if he was busy being intimate with you.

I hope you all are able to keep finding new comfort levels with the explicit permission for being sexual though. Don't be afraid to ask to renegotiate the things that are bugging you, although if you do get to see each other for sex once a week, I am a bit confused about how he has to ask permission to have sex with you, and can't if he hasn't asked, since it's a set sex date night?
It's never a set day during the week. Just depends on everyone's schedules. They come over here often (like their second home) and we do the same. There are often times he comes over alone for whatever reason and in those cases when things spontaneously began they had to ABRUPTLY stop. We can have oral sex as much as we want but penetration is just once a week.

I had mentioned the texting thing to boyfriend months before we had the blow up. That time I had gently said something like what is up with the texting constantly. What is going on? He was very short with me and just said that he had told her at one time she could text him anytime and he would answer no matter what. I just let it go because I thought that was lame and didnt want to argue. Months LATER when he and I were arguing and he stopped talking to me to answer the infamous "text about sheets" is when I finally exploded about it. He did tell me after that, that he had discussed it with her and when I asked what she said he got a very uncomfortable look on his face and I just said NEVERMIND if your that uncomfortable telling me what she said I probably don't want to know. sigh. I suppose they discussed it furthe, days later because it was then when he came over and she wasnt texting him like crazy anymore. As far as her not realizing that the texting was a problem I doubt that. Reason being is that this was her exact way in the beginning that she would blow up our night. Meaning he would ask to come over, she would say fine, then he would get here and the texting and trying to guilt him home would start. This went on for a while. It's better now though. Please also understand she has permission to do whatever she wants AT ANY TIME however she chooses. When she is "playing" she has zero rules really. ZERO. This whole rule thing began with her hubby and I.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:12 PM
Imapolygirlmaybe Imapolygirlmaybe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I dunno... but hubs' GF is like this. She texts nonstop all day long every day. I went to visit him and I was all good with her texting because I didnt' want to be "no, you cannot speak to him while I'm here". And yet she texted ALL THE FREAKING DAMN TIME I was there. Literally... every hour or two , pictures, texts.... the girl can't be alone.

That freaking bugged me eventually. They just spent a weekend alone, and I didn't text ONCE in three days.

Why do I have to be the one to be respectful????
WOW SOUNDS LIKE ME. The days I know they are having just "them" time I DO NOT text him at all. Nothing. I have gone days without talking to him at all because I knew they were having their time together.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:22 PM
Imapolygirlmaybe Imapolygirlmaybe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
I am wondering what the source of your boyfriend's wife's very obvious jealousy might be.

Is it possible that your boyfriend and his wife are not having a lot of sex themselves? Or that she has a high libido and he isn't keeping up with her? Could she be jealous simply because you are getting something that she isn't getting much of, or enough of?

I've struggled with jealousy myself in my primary relationship and I have discovered that I'm fine with sharing something I already HAVE, where my needs for that particular thing are being met. However, if the other person is getting something I'm not getting, or not getting enough of, jealousy ensues. I am still working on this after five years of being actively polyamorous.

I am also wondering what the circumstances are that enable you to see your boyfriend almost every day. Do you work together? If not, how do you manage to have so much couples time together when you both have young children? I am raising kids too and I have almost never managed to see a secondary partner more than once or twice a week, unless we were away the rare weekend together or met at social events. And both my former secondaries were local too, no more than 15 minutes from my house.

Is it possible that the wife isn't getting much "just me time" of her own, or much quality time away from the kids with her husband, and the sexual restriction she is placing on you two is a response to that? Again, this would be a case of you getting a lot of something she is not getting, or not getting much of.

Vis a vis the texting thing, would she text in an emergency or would she call? If she would call, then all he has to do is turn off the texting alert when he is with you and set his phone aside. He does not need to read them at all when he's with you. If he's reading them and responding to her, he's enabling her in her rude behavior.
I will answer in parts.

1. Her sex drive currently is very low for some medical reasons. This should resolve soon (within a month or so I guess).

2. We see each other daily because they literally live less than five minutes from our house. We are almost a blended family without being one. It's very warped and we have not all sat down and discussed this fact other than when one of us will jokingly say occaisionally "wow we are really weird you guys.". This statement is usually followed by something out of the ordinary that would only happen in a poly family setting. They watch our kids, we watch their kids when needed. I am a stay at home mom and for the time being they are both off work but again will be back in a few weeks (situation has too many personal details or I would say exactly what it is).

3. Wife does get "just us" time with him and if whenever she asks for more she gets it. They have date night at least once a week and they do have a sitter readily available for free.

As for him enabling the behavior I agree and I honestly think he just feels torn and isnt sure what to do. There are times I think she has issues with he and I and then she makes decisions like moving less than five minutes from us when in reality she could have moved 45 minutes away. ? So confusing.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, rules, texting

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:36 PM.