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  #111  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:24 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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She does love them and enjoys them. But she's burnt out. She wants time to be herself and not answer to anyone. That's what she told me.
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  #112  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:44 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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She should be the one to find someplace else to hold up over the weekends. Your home and your kids, if she doesn't like it she can vacate on the weekends. JMO

She turned down the idea of a Nanny, why not get a housekeeper to come in once a week instead (I would kill for one ). Also get the kids in some summer all day activities - makes a world of difference, even if it's just one or two days a week or even half day. I fully understand feeling like a single parent 4-5 days a week, it can be extremely draining both emotionally and physically. It does sound like she is feeling desperate and grasping at anything within reach and depressed. I think going to therapy with her would be a good idea.
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  #113  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by RobertCourage View Post
She wants time to be herself and not answer to anyone. That's what she told me.
I'm going to judge her now, according to this new information^^:

Well, la-dee-da. I want "time to myself" and to not have to "answer to" anyone too. I had that once, when I spent 30 days in a psychiatric hospital. Oh but i forgot, I DID have to answer to "anyone".

How I do wish I could spread my wings and fly away! Away, away, away from all the oppressive things in my life that my husband's ample paycheck has been so generously providing for me all these years! It's just cramping my style!

What, you ask? Of course I expect to still reap the benefits of said ample paycheck while I find my true self and eschew the weight of my adult responsibilities! And in order to do so, I must leave now and go have sex with my 10-years-younger "hipster" man-child-friend!



This is something that only wealthy people get to do. It is not something the rest of us have the privilege of doing. Oh damn. There goes the dreaded "p" word (privilege). Well, I guess rich people have problems too. I just keep forgetting.

Seriously, you'd better get her on here to give us her side of the story. I have quite an imagination, and when you add alcohol to that, there's no telling where this might end up eventually.
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  #114  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:11 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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OK. I am going to keep in mind that we're getting only your side of the story. Going with that... your wife is acting like a spoiled toddler. I get burnout, I get overwhelming responsibility, I get needing breaks, I get needing me time. I was a military wife for years and would go 6 months at a time with NO breaks from the children when my husband was out to sea. As a mom, you suck it up, find ways to cope, figure out how to have kid-free time and find ways to express yourself without pulling the chute and jumping out of the plane. It's called being a grown-up.

When you say the therapist said to have fun with the threesome... I'm getting the feeling perhaps your wife is not telling her therapist the whole story... or hasn't yet (it can take quite a few sessions to get into everything), including her wanting to run away and just be with T by herself...

I think couples counseling would be very valuable-- maybe with a different counselor though, it's usually best to not go to couples counseling with the same therapist that is one of the partner's personal therapist. She can continue to see hers, but I do think maybe you need to see one together so that both of your views/sides/issues can be addressed. The fact that she is being offered help (nanny/housekeeper, etc) and keeps saying no and then complaining to me seems like something deeper is going on. Maybe some sort of midlife crisis-- hate to be cliche-- but it does happen that sometimes the responsibility builds up and the person then feels like the ONLY solution is to leave it all behind.

Regardless, I think couples counseling will be helpful whether you decide to separate or not. If nothing else, they can help you and her clarify what's going on, and be a support person if you do decide to separate.
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  #115  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:21 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
OK. I am going to keep in mind that we're getting only your side of the story. Going with that... your wife is acting like a spoiled toddler.

Spoiled TEENAGER. What would a parent say to a teenager who wanted "freedom to do as I please"? This is what MY parent said:

"If you want your freedom so much, get your own job, your own place, and pay for your own freedom with your own money."

And that is exactly what I did. Do I get "tired" of my "freedom"? You bet. But unfortunately I am not independently wealthy so I have to buy my own freedom or else figure out a way to have someone else buy it for me. My husband only makes enough money to barely afford his own freedom. And yet, somehow we manage.
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  #116  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:33 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Spoiled TEENAGER. What would a parent say to a teenager who wanted "freedom to do as I please"?
I've been having the same thought go through my head lately whenever I hear of people just freaking out that they have some responsibility and they "want to do whatever they want and not answer to anyone."

"What would you say if your child was acting/behaving and talking like you are right now?"


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  #117  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:38 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
"What would you say if your child was acting/behaving and talking like you are right now?"
It's even worse when the teenager is the one to recognize your bad behavior and calls you on it and you hear your own words coming back at you.
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  #118  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Another side to the coin, just to play devil's advocate:

I think pretty much everyone has those feelings and fantasies from time to time, of needing to get a break from everyday responsibilities. Most of us know we can't get away with that.

So... how much of her behavior was enabled by the OP? How much of not wanting to rock the boat or avoiding the reality of the situation was being done by the spouse who is now complaining about it? They started out both taking part in threesomes with her current boyfriend. Did RC (the OP) conveniently overlook the ramifications, and keep his blinders on to avoid really seeing indications that something was wrong or bothering her, so he could get his jollies by watching another guy bang his wife?

He seems to have indicated that she's had emotional/relationship issues in the past, so where was he in "cleaning house" and making sure that she -- and their relationship -- was strong enough to handle this? Before letting a new person into the equation? It's easy to throw up one's hands and place blame when one's comfort zones are maxed out, but what was the part he played in getting there? Things didn't get this rocky all by itself, and she didn't start accumulating such dissatisfaction in a vacuum. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, y'know.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-18-2011 at 08:05 PM.
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  #119  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:54 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Damn. Just typed a response and lost it. So here it goes again.

1. Regarding the threesome. Everyone went into that with eyes wide open and rules. It was all about fun and sex. Rule was if there were feelings developing (during threesome or outside of threesone) she was to tell me immediately so it would be able to be addressed. It's not like we didnt talk about the risk. We did. And we had an agreement. Instead of adhering to that agreement she chose to keep her feelings a secret And worse, pull away from me.

So I am guilty of being naive and trusting her. I should have known that, given her state of mind and past history, this is what would happen.

2. Regarding the 'suck it up and be an adult' theme I see in the responses. I have to say she works hard forthe kids. The schedule Nd logistics are crazy most of the time. And doing it alone would drive anyone crazy. I appreciate all she does and I understand her frustratiOn. But I don't agree with her solution. I dont run from my problems. And I respect the dEals I have mDe with people I love. I wish she could see that I love and support her no matter what. But the newness of him is too powerful and she is lovestruck.

I am sure that she would paint a slightly different story if she posted here. But the general story would be consistent with what I have written.
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  #120  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertCourage View Post
It was all about fun and sex. Rule was if there were feelings developing (during threesome or outside of threesone) she was to tell me immediately so it would be able to be addressed. It's not like we didnt talk about the risk. We did. And we had an agreement. Instead of adhering to that agreement she chose to keep her feelings a secret And worse, pull away from me.
And again I ask, as I did earlier in the thread, why it is perfectly fine to you for another man to use your wife's body to get off, but not to love and care about her? Why do you approve of her being a wet slit for fucking, but not a person who wants and needs love and passion? Do you see how that could be a way of looking at her as your property, and nothing more than a sex toy to be passed around? There's a dichotomy there, when you "allow" one but not the other, and I think perhaps there's important information in there for you to consider. She has to look at her part, of course, and why she went along with that. But you encouraged it, yet wonder why she wants an escape hatch from her life.

FYI, I pose these questions not as a criticism but as a way to look at what elements you may have contributed. We must always ask ourselves the tough questions in order to gain clarity and insight. If knowledge is power, self-knowledge is... everything!
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-18-2011 at 10:14 PM.
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