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  #11  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:12 AM
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ZeroDrakken ZeroDrakken is offline
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The problem is that M - I suspect - is still a little hung up on me from our not-quite-a-relationship years ago. She still sees me with somewhat rose-tinted glasses, and when I talk to her about my problems, she dismisses them saying that I'm awesome and don't actually need any help. Like the night I mentioned with the hot tub - she didn't go looking for me because she figured I was up to equally awesome sexy adventures elsewhere, where in fact I was curled in the fetal position wishing that I had the courage to go out and have those adventures and silently cursing her for disappearing and not answering her phone.

I'm trying not to do that anymore - not to be that guy. That's one of the reasons I'm here... this is a lot more forward than I've ever actually been about my emotions or relationships or anything else than I've ever actually been, and it feels pretty good to get a lot of this stuff off my chest, even if it may not actually be helping anything.

I do like the idea of her giving me assignments. Possibly us, since I'm trying to find a con my wife can also attend. We function better as a team, if only out of practice, which I think may be another one of the reasons I have troubles on my own.
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  #12  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:29 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Fake it 'til you make it, bro.

If M is grading you on too much of a curve, you're back to self-study. I really wasn't kidding when I suggested chatting up (perhaps that's a better term in this case than hitting on) people you meet in normal daily interaction. I started chatting with staff folks years ago because I sometimes have questions that won't go away, and I let myself be bold enough to voice them. You'd be amazed what strangers will share when you engage them in conversation as though they're normal humans worth listening to. (A restaurant in Philly used to make their staff pick through the garbage every night to get flatware out because the busboys would just dump the entire plate over and the new manager was a jerk--but now they don't lose flatware anymore, for example. Those old people over there just order hot water and nothing else, and when the water comes out, they pull out their own tea bags and use the sugar on the table...)

Anyway, set a few goals for yourself:
1) I'm going to learn her name.
2) I'm going to learn something about her that is not readily aparent.
3) I'm going to find something about her to compliment.

If you try these as a personal exercise while going through your normal routines, then you might find it's easier to get the ball rolling in the hormone-infused atmosphere of a convention. Heck, you might find a perfectly fine target at the Safeway and not worry about the cons altogether.

It's about having fun and trying out new stuff. Save the decoder rings and throat-clogging Deep Talks <tm> for after she's bowled over by your witty banter.
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  #13  
Old 07-18-2011, 11:19 AM
ClariceK ClariceK is offline
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I have to say that I know exactly how you feel but I am female. I am not good at flirting, I am shy about asking a girl anything let alone to come home with me and hubby. Hubby has the same thought process about how hard it is to say "No really, my wife is ok with it and would love to meet you" yet he has been the one who has always gotten the girl. (Except the girl I found while inpatient in a psych hospital, I had a very bad time for a while with my PTSD issues, and was admitted because of depression that "others were concerned about" I felt I didn't belong there, I met a woman who I was attracted to but had never been with a girl. I seduced her and we both got into trouble a number of times for "being alone in inappropriate ways in inappropriate places like alcoves. I had even gotten male patients to stand guard in exchange for watching me and her make out up against the soda machine. Hubby met her when he came for visiting hours, he liked her but was apprehensive about the whole "She is a psych patient you know" but I convinced him that he loves me even though I am pretty freaking nuts (the last 10 years of therapy has helped me to see that this was more about being in a very low place and grabbing the first hot thing I could find to hold to my head and burn myself with) so he agreed to see her after we both were discharged. She was married, to a man who was abusive in many ways, going so far as to take advantage of the fact that she had seizures by having sex with her while she was "out of it" after. She came and stayed with us when she left her husband, after a week she went back to him, he threatened to take her kid away from her, so she went back to him. About 3 weeks after she left, a police officer shows up at our house to "ask my husband some questions". This woman went to the police, told them that my husband kidnapped and raped her, wouldn't let her leave our house, that she was forced to have sex with not only both me and my husband but also over 12 other men we brought home (NEVER has my hubby ever wanted to or even thought of having another man involved with anything, so that was a shock LOL). Luckily the officer thought that her story sounded kinda hokey, and when we handed him a box of birthday cards, love letters, and also letters telling my husband I how much her husband had done to abuse her and the things he was doing to her, the police officer looked at hubby and said "Maybe if you are gonna sleep with women other then your wife you should make sure they aren't absolutely batshit crazy" which to this day hubby and I use the phrase "batshit crazy" to judge the level of craziness that a woman has.

That was probably the scariest experience I have ever had as a poly, I mean the idea that if we hadn't had the love letters and other proof that it was consensual (right down to her writing in a card that my husband was the best sex she ever had and that she was the happiest when she was having sex with him) that my husband could have been put in prison for another woman and her husbands word of the way things transpired. I had never before considered that to be a risk of this lifestyle and I dont know how many really do think of that as a potential pitfall. Of course there is a chance that can happen in any relationship, mono people do it all the time, get pissed because the sex and relationship is over and decide that they are going to do whatever they can to make the other person pay, even if it means completely ruining their life. Hubby and I have considered (not seriously but jokingly) getting a form letter written up stating "I am choosing of my own free will to have sex with these people, they have not kidnapped, coerced or otherwise tried to kill me" (she said we didn't let her have anything to eat or drink the entire time she was here, I know we are so mean, I mean we both went out of the house daily, left her with her own vehicle here to "run away" if she wanted to, which when the police asked about this she said she had "stockholm syndrome" helped her open her own bank account, but we didn't feed her the entire time.) I would have thought an intelligent captive would have said to the bank person setting up the account "Hey these people are holding me hostage and have given me the $100 I am opening this account with, so please dont let them take me away and call the police for me" I dont know if you can tell I am still a bit bitter about that relationship.

I guess I am saying this to let you know that you can find what you want, but there will be bumps along the way. If you want to have a triad with your wife, then you need to be around when she meets the other person. It isn't that she isn't thinking of you, it is just that her eyes and mind is on other things at that moment and not thinking "He might be curled up in the fetal position wishing I wasn't in a hot tub", go to the hot tub with her!! If you dont talk she will be able to fill in the spaces. It has been a hard road for hubby and I, but now that we have SluttyUnicorn, we are so happy it has been worth it. Hang in there and watch out for the "batshit crazy" women out there!! Most importantly I have found that the more I keep the "have fun" mantra in my head, the more fun I end up having.

Last edited by ClariceK; 07-18-2011 at 02:52 PM.
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  #14  
Old 07-18-2011, 11:30 AM
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More paragraph breaks, please!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #15  
Old 07-18-2011, 11:36 AM
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ZeroDrakken ZeroDrakken is offline
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To clarify, M is not my wife. Here are the four characters in my life...

Me - Me, straight male poly an in open relationship, now married
Wife - Bi female poly in an open relationship, now married (to me)
The Unicorn - Bi female poly formerly in a triad with my wife and I, left us because she was concerned she was going to break up my wife and I despite the fact that our relationship was actually without any drama or jealousy and was even stronger with her balancing things out. Now just a friend who still has strong feelings for the both of us and comes over to hang out and throw huge waves of UST at the both of us. Yay.
"Miss M" - Straight female ex-mono, now embracing the poly lifestyle (perhaps too vigorously). Years ago, was almost the other side of a vee, with me as the hinge, but decided she could not handle it. Married a borderline autistic guy who verbally abused her and was emotionally distant. Now divorced and has decided she DOES want to be poly, just not with me. Direct contact with her and her awakening polyamory has caused me to reembark on my own quest for a more active, full poly lifestyle, but has also made me question if I may just be trying to get more action.

Other than that, I appreciate the fact that I'm not the only poly who also sucks at dating (no offence). A part of it is that my self-confidence has taken a lot of serious hits over the last few years (I believe the term 'repeatedly shattered' came up in therapy once... from the therapist) and while I may apparently still be awesome and sexy, I no longer see myself as awesome and sexy, so I have a hard time accepting that others see me that way (including my wife, much to her frustration). I'm working on it though.
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  #16  
Old 07-18-2011, 12:49 PM
ClariceK ClariceK is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
More paragraph breaks, please!
I apologize, I know it may not have seemed like it but I went back and put the ones there in there LOL I tend to just type and type. I have been doing what is called "unconscious writing" for a number of years and that is just sitting and writing or typing whatever comes up and to mind, it is something that gets too easy to transition into when I start typing for more then a minute or two.

I will try to be more respectful of others who have to read my ramblings and again I apologize.
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  #17  
Old 07-18-2011, 01:20 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Zerodrakken, have you sought partners online at all? Cons are all very well but you are a shy guy and it sounds like getting to know someone online might be much easier for you up front. Okcupid is a great site and if you aren't fixated on finding only local partners (since you sound like you live in an area where there might not be many), you might have very good luck there at making new connections.

Also, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

There are plenty of straight married poly women and we are the wallflowers at the party, from what I have heard and experienced.

I cannot tell you how many times a guy like you with a bisexual wife or girlfriend has wasted my time getting to know me and then, just as I think we are starting a relationship, I get some version of "Ooops, you are neither bisexual or single, never mind!"

Five years poly here in one of the poly hotbeds of the U.S., actively looking the entire time, and have found exactly TWO poly men to date in that five years. Lost number 1 after two years together when his domme got jealous and made him end it, lost number 2 when he decided he wasn't poly after all. At present I have the beginnings of a LDR with someone halfway across the country, and my dear husband, and that is it. I'm smart and cute and loving and a fabulous girlfriend and my husband is the greatest male metamour ever. I can find any amount of casual sex with very attractive monos, but finding an intelligent, loving, attractive poly guy who will actually date a straight married woman, and who doesn't already have three girlfriends...well, I can dream, I guess.

Forget about finding unicorn number 2 and forget about single, and go find someone like me. Trust me, our dance cards aren't full.

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 07-18-2011 at 01:27 PM.
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  #18  
Old 07-18-2011, 01:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
. . . finding an intelligent, loving, attractive poly guy who will actually date a straight married woman, and who doesn't already have three girlfriends...well, I can dream, I guess.
Do you only want someone who is unattached or only has one SO? Just curious.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #19  
Old 07-18-2011, 01:36 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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All I want is someone who is fairly local and has time to see me a few times a month, and keep in reasonable touch the rest of the time. Dating a single man can be easier from a logistical standpoint, but I'd happily date someone married or attached as long as their partner was on board and willing to tell me so to my face. My last secondary partner was married when we were together, and my first one was married when I met him, although he and his wife separated soon after.

At present, I'd probably opt for happily married or attached over single if I had my druthers, because I lost my last sweetie to monogamy when his marriage fell apart, and I see that possibility as much greater if the person is already single.

I do have someone poly and local right now who says he's interested in a relationship with me. We've met twice, initially at a speed dating thing and then, a couple of months later, for lunch. That one lunch date was scheduled and rescheduled numerous times because he is SO busy. I don't think he's even communicated with me once a week since I met him. He appears to be overwhelmed with attending to his two female live-in partners (neither of them is his wife) and his social life in general. He has no job at present and it won't get better once he finds one, I'm sure. Needless to say, I'm writing him off. I've met a lot of what I call "no-time guys" in the local poly community and that just won't suit me.

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 07-18-2011 at 01:49 PM.
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  #20  
Old 07-18-2011, 02:03 PM
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ZeroDrakken ZeroDrakken is offline
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I haven't really looked into online dating much, but mainly because I haven't been "actively" looking to date until now. It's something i'd certainly consider though. I still would like another unicorn situation (what can I say, I'm a fan of one stop shopping) but I understand how unrealistic that actually is so i' not holding my breath.

As to the single straight wallflower poly thing, you're about the exact class and speed of person i'd be looking for, but my own similar nature seems to prevent me actually meeting someone like you.
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