Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-16-2011, 06:08 PM
gm456 gm456 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2
Default Need relationship insight

Hi- I'm new to the polyamorous scene- and I'd like your thoughts on my relationship.

I met a man a year ago, and we started dating soon after- he said that he has never truly dated anyone before, but mainly did hookups and flings before he met me. We talked about our expectations a bit before starting the relationship, and for my sake, he decided to try a monogamous relationship.

Fast forward a few months- and he is seriously unhappy. We talk again, and it turns out that he wants an open relationship. I'm still in love, and so is he, so we decide to become polyamorous.

The trouble is this- I'm not exactly jealous, but I am worried that he was seeing other people before he told me he wanted an open relationship- and I wonder if him hooking up with random people is somehow worse or better than sticking to one other woman. Also, we also run a business together, and I wonder if being polyamourous is a way for him to alleviate the stress of working with me. All conventional wisdom says that these kind of relationships don't work in the long run, or ever, but I don't want to throw away a great partnership due to my insecurities. And the nature of this relationship makes it hard for me to get unbiased advice. It's getting to the point that I don't want to have sex with him anymore, because of how I'm feeling-that somehow I'm competing with all of the other women that he's sleeping with.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-17-2011, 03:15 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
The trouble is this- I'm not exactly jealous, but I am worried that he was seeing other people before he told me he wanted an open relationship- and I wonder if him hooking up with random people is somehow worse or better than sticking to one other woman. Also, we also run a business together, and I wonder if being polyamourous is a way for him to alleviate the stress of working with me. All conventional wisdom says that these kind of relationships don't work in the long run, or ever, but I don't want to throw away a great partnership due to my insecurities. And the nature of this relationship makes it hard for me to get unbiased advice. It's getting to the point that I don't want to have sex with him anymore, because of how I'm feeling-that somehow I'm competing with all of the other women that he's sleeping with.
Lots going on in this paragraph.

1 - worse?.. no why would it be. Unless he is irresponsible, not remaining protected and not putting your safety first, then why is it worse? non-monogamy is neither equal to or worse than monogamy.. it is just an alternative
2 - Ummmm poly kinda requires love (more than one). He sounds more in line with swinging or just plain being open. Not that we still can't help.. non-monogamy is all one big generally happy umbrella.
3 - Conventional wisdom is kinda boring..
4 - your last point, you NEED to find confidence in yourself with this. I can honestly say, I have never compared partners, I have noticed their differences, but not "better or worse".. you need to figure out how to release that stress from your sexlife.

For the record, work, living with and loving the person you are romantically involved with.. ya, thats a lot of stress..

ari
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-17-2011, 03:51 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,105
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
Fast forward a few months- and he is seriously unhappy. We talk again, and it turns out that he wants an open relationship. I'm still in love, and so is he, so we decide to become polyamorous.
And how did you two define this for yourselves? What are the guidelines or boundaries you both need in order to make it work? If you haven't gotten down to the practical and logistical nitty-gritty of how to make poly work for you, then all the unknowns and questions will plague and worry you, and seem overwhelming.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
The trouble is this- I'm not exactly jealous, but I am worried that he was seeing other people before he told me he wanted an open relationship . . .
What you're saying here is you don't trust him. Have you asked him outright if that is the case? If not, why not? Whether poly or mono, relationships depend on honest communication in order to thrive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
. . . I wonder if him hooking up with random people is somehow worse or better than sticking to one other woman.
Better or worse for what? For whom? Get specific here -- what are you afraid of?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
Also, we also run a business together, and I wonder if being polyamourous is a way for him to alleviate the stress of working with me.
So what if it is? What do you do for stress relief from working with him?

Again, have you asked him if this is the case?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
All conventional wisdom says that these kind of relationships don't work in the long run, or ever, but I don't want to throw away a great partnership due to my insecurities.
Hmm, and with the divorce rate consistently hovering at 50%, is monogamy much better? It's a 50/50 shot either way.

When you say "these kinds of relationships," what exactly do you mean? How do you define or view polyamory? When you say they "don't work in the long run," what exactly do you mean? What would mean to you that a relationship is working? A promise of forever? Fidelity? A feeling of partnership and connection? What elements need to be there? How many of those do you have in your relationship now? What expectations do you have? What are you afraid of losing? Be specific. if you haven't been clear with yourself about these things, you won't be able to express to him what you need and want from the relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
It's getting to the point that I don't want to have sex with him anymore, because of how I'm feeling-that somehow I'm competing with all of the other women that he's sleeping with.
How many is he having sex with? Do you know them? Have you asked him? Doesn't sound like it. If not, why not? Transparency is important. Knowledge is power. Communication is key. You need to be informed. You cannot be shy about asking these things. Hopefully he and you practice safer sex, but how will his being poly impact your safety and how you watch out for yourselves and protect yourself against disease and infections? You need to have these talks!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-17-2011, 06:39 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gm456 View Post
All conventional wisdom says that these kind of relationships don't work in the long run,
I agree with you on this point but there is a flaw in both our logic. We are applying the conventional idea of what success is to something that is unconventional.

Poly success is hard to define because it has a broader spectrum of desired outcomes.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-18-2011, 02:16 AM
gm456 gm456 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2
Default

All of you have great points. To answer some of your questions-
d
1. The way the open relationship subject came about was- I caught him in the act of sleeping with someone else. When I asked him if he had ever done it before, he said no. But the difference between him and an asshole is this- he didn't pretend to say that he would never sleep with anyone else again, but instead sought to work out a new relationship with me, that included being open.

2. He isn't in love with anyone else, nor does he want to be- so that makes him a swinger, as opposed to a poly- gotcha . I'm still new to this myself. We've tried group sex, with success, and I'm looking forward to getting more into it in the future.

3. As a couple of you have mentioned, most human relationships have a terrible prognosis, so it wasn't fair for me to say, "These types of relationships..." etc. I am going against years and years of Disney fairytales and movies that dictate a happy ending with "1" prince and "1" princess.

4. One of my favorite movies is "The People vs. Larry Flynt"- where the two main characters had a happy, open, relationship; and they were honest and public about their sexuality. We need to encourage more of this in our culture, and that change starts with me, and my relationship- but it's still a rough beginning.

5. Sexually, I have a hard time keeping up with him. Not to say that I'm a slouch myself, but he can do it multiple times a day . This sometimes is great... but what if I just want to read a book? And I'm worried about other things in my life- career, finances, self image issues- that I can't perform in bed as easily anymore. Its a rough patch that we've been working on together, effectively, but it's draining my otherwise healthy sexual energy.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-18-2011, 08:49 AM
sagency's Avatar
sagency sagency is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133
Default

1) Perhaps I'm a pessimist, but I don't believe that he has a clear grasp on honesty. You might have let the question go because "no" is the answer you preferred, but several parts of your story make me feel that this guy doesn't regard the truth as highly as nycindie does, for example.

2) Sounds like you're both swingers. Play safe.

3) One could argue that all relationships end. If I think about how many failed relationships I've had, the percentage of "success" is dismal. But the wheel did not become the Prius overnight. (Heck, the Incans didn't even have wheels, and look at Machu Picchu.)
Dump other people's notions of success for relationships of which they are not a part.

4) Transitions have a nasty habit of being rough. At least you're seeking advice rather than stabbing at things blindly (stab the tail on the donkey?).

5) If dude is a swinger that has excess energy, perhaps he should swing more. In any case, he's got hands. If you're worn out, then he can put them to use. Heck, read your book naked so he has something to inspire him if you feel like it. Our arms reach past our waist for a reason. Ain't no shame in floggin' the dolphin.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:10 AM.