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  #11  
Old 07-16-2011, 10:48 PM
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sage sage is offline
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One of the greatest challenges monopoly relationships have is inequity. You may be in pain but as a result of that pain your husband is having to work extra hard to work and pick up the stuff that you can't do. He is probably also missing out on intimacy? You have your loving connection with this guy and massages kind of tip the scales way over your way. What does your husband have except resentment? As a result of the massages are you able to be intimate with him? I believe that mono/poly relationships only work if there is a win/win and in your case it seems to be a win/loose. I know he wins in a way because you have less pain for a while but there is also probably loss attached to that because he can't do for you what this other guy can.
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  #12  
Old 07-16-2011, 11:43 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Sage, I do see your point. I hate that my husband is so overworked taking care of me through all this illness, and I wish there were ways I could lessen his load. I try to express my gratitude and appreciation in as many ways possible, as often as possible.

The massage did get me feeling well enough to have sex with my husband for the first time in a week or so. I do try to keep that intimacy going in spite of my illness, although I think I need it more than he does. Even when I can't do anything, I still tell him how much I wish I could. I try to let him know every day how sexy he is (he really, really is) and as far as a loving connection goes, ours is stronger than anything I have with anyone else.

My husband recognized that the massage day seemed to lead to a couple of days of less pain and more energy, which my whole family seemed to enjoy. We had friends over, I was able to talk and laugh more, we had some fun times with our kids. At the same time, it made my husband suggest that there is a psychosomatic element to my illness, as if I were using it as a tool for manipulation. (Doctors think I have an inflamed heart sac, which doesn't show up on tests, so no one can be certain that's the problem.) Basically, he doesn't want my friend to be making me feel better. Or he blames him for making me sick. I don't know. I talked about this situation pretty extensively with one holistic doctor, and in the end he didn't think it was the reason for my pain or lack of healing.

So how do I make this a win for my husband? From what I read here, when mono people make compromises for their poly partners they find some benefit in their partner's increased happiness, maybe increased sex drive, their overall well being. My husband seems to find that more threatening than anything else.

Everybody else's stories on these boards seem to make a lot of sense, but I can't figure my own life out here. Am I just being selfish?
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  #13  
Old 07-17-2011, 04:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If I were you, truthfully, I would let go of massages as the point of contention here. I would step back from letting your friend massage you, and consider seeing a professional for that. This way, you will not feel deprived of healing touch, but you will still have the deliciousness of other aspects of your friendship with the other man. I would just let your friend know that you won't be sharing that kind of touch again. I'm sure holding hands would be fine, no?

Anyway, invest in what is possible rather than focusing on whatever you're not allowed to have, which is going to make things more difficult with your husband. For now. It's only been several weeks, you wrote, since you've met this man. There is so much possibility in front of you. As your relationship with your new friend deepens on an emotional level, and you have more time working within your husband's preferences for boundaries, he will see how much he can trust you and he may eventually relax his boundaries and allow for massages or more intimate touch.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #14  
Old 07-17-2011, 05:10 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Yes, that's what we've decided for now -to cut the touch back to brief hugs of greeting. My friend will visit tomorrow or the next day, and my husband will be here. I really want my husband to see him as a person (they share quite a lot of interests) and not just a shadow on edge of his marriage. It will be a brief visit, and then it will likely be weeks before we see each other again.

On Labor Day weekend I have plans to attend (if I'm well) a dance camp with my daughter, and this friend will be there. My husband and I discussed this before I signed up, and I gave him up until the registration deadline to change his mind before I sent it in. But I'm sure we'll be talking about it again between now and then. I figure with my 8 yr old along, I won't have too many opportunities to get into sticky situations, but I'm looking forward to a chance to spend a good chunk of time together having clean fun.

And my husband has promised me a massage tonight.
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