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  #11  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:05 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Hades,

I get what you are saying and agree to some extent. But where the difference comes in I feel is how you approach it and how you feel.
I think there's a distinct difference between being on a 'quest' (seeking) and just putting yourself in a position where the universe can respond appropriately. If that makes any sense.
I do believe you can distort things via your intention and that's why so many people who are searching (desperate) discover they are wasting tremendous amounts of time and energy to no avail. I don't have a technical explanation for this - or if I did it would sound 'out-there' - but it's a definite observation of my own, my mates, and thousands of other people including many on this board.

On the other hand, deciding you want others in your life and making a step or two to put yourself in a noticeable place I feel is quite different. It's really all in how you attach to it internally and act on it. As others have mentioned, in this age of the 'net', putting yourself on some site is little different than taking a walk on the beach, going to a park, dance etc. It's all about how much it consumes you.

My thoughts anyway.........

GS
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  #12  
Old 07-14-2011, 04:47 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PLove View Post
I think that the point Hades was trying to make is not WHERE we meet people, but the intentionality of it.

In our experience, when you are saying "OH--I want to meet someone," it has rarely worked out that we meet a person with whom we really connect. It's only when we are just living our lives and doing our thing that we've tended to somehow stumble across the person with whom we feel a connection.

So what Hades is getting at is if you are intentionally seeking a partner does that tend to work out or is it more something that happens?
Then in case I didn't answer that - When I was younger I wasn't ever actively seeking to meet a person, and it was always stumbling across them. It would be nice if chance encounters happened now, but they don't seem to for me.

During both the periods I have been actively poly, I have been intentionally open to finding relationships, and more strongly actively seeking friends (which has to be intentional, as I have no luck stumbling into good friendships either). I have not found either of these things anywhere but OKCupid, or a party/event attended by mainly poly people where I expected there might be a chance to meet somebody interesting.
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  #13  
Old 07-14-2011, 06:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It is starting to look like my most successful (relatively) relationships since my separation have been with people I met in the real world, and not online. However, I have met some really cool people online, and gained some good friends/lovers/FWBs from OKC. I am incredibly picky about who I actually meet from there, though, and in the time since I joined -- which is now eight months -- I've only actually met six guys in person, although I've talked, chatted, and emailed with many more than that, and have one guy who is kind of an online friend and I'm not sure if I'll ever actually meet him face to face (though I'd like to!).

I think the dating sites can work if we go into the situation looking at it as an adventure. And we should look at dating in general that way, too, anyway. In other words, let go of expectations that you want to find long-lasting love there, but do embrace the possibility of meeting new and interesting people, and having a good time going out. Take a break for a few days every now and then, and come back to the site(s) fresh. View the dating process as the best part, the fun part, the opportunity to see more of what kind of people are out there, a chance to have fun conversation at the very least. If it develops into more, that's a bonus! It is true that there are lots of dullards, sad sacks, losers, and completely incompatible people out there, and it does get incredibly frustrating sometimes, but hopefully you can screen before meeting. If it doesn't work out, try to see what you gained from it and chalk it off as another learning experience. Then get in the game again, and don't sweat it too much.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-15-2011 at 12:18 AM.
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  #14  
Old 07-15-2011, 02:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Correction: I joined OKC nine months ago (Oct. 2010) and have met 9 guys in person, in all that time. So, one per month. Some were abysmal failures, some turned into friendships, and others remain to be determined.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-15-2011 at 10:10 PM.
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  #15  
Old 07-15-2011, 09:46 PM
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Hades36 Hades36 is offline
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I appreciate all of you sharing and responding. Thank you.
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  #16  
Old 07-15-2011, 10:23 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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My mono (K) and I actually met on eHarmony. I had gotten out of a relationship where I was trying hard to be a good little mono and signed up with some extended deal there. After signing up I realized that I wasn't willing to try at being mono anymore and came to full identify as polly.

I'm pretty sure Dr. Clark (eHarmony guy) would have booted me hurry-up-quick if their gears and whistles flagged me as poly. In any case, a little before that expired, K and I were connected. I would actually advise against eHarmony for polys (though fine for monos) because it doesn't suit the lifestyle. I was just lucky that my transition to no longer kidding myself (about five years ago) was timed in a way that I wound up meeting K, and I'm extra lucky that part of her awesomeness includes being poly-friendly.

Partners since then have been met through getting out, interacting in other activities, and being bold enough to bring it up. Or they're beloveds who I have been separated from by geography but not internally.
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