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Old 07-15-2011, 09:40 PM
ClariceK ClariceK is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 32
Default Benn there, done that, dont know if I like it or not

I am a 35 year old female who has been married for 15 years to her just out of high school sweetheart. When I met my husband I was in love at first sight. He has a bit of emotional baggage, as did I. ( I have childhood sexual abuse issues, so sex is a kinda iffy thing for me as it is) and a big part of why I loved my husband was because he "took care of me". I had a kinda volitile family life and he stepped in many times and changed the way my faily treated me and for a very long time we have a very codependant relationship. ABout a year into our relationship he expressed an interest in "seeing other people with me" after I expressed to him that I had not had sex with a man and had sex with women my entire high school life. I was shocked to be in love with my husband myself, as I had kinda been afraid of men. I knew I loved women. I loved spending time with them, I loved my "girlfriends" and he expressed his "need for more sex" because well, I was not very sexually active because of my abuse issues. We started going to swingers clubs, but neither he nor I are into the whole man thing. I love my husband for the poerson he is. not because he is a man. When I am old he is the person I want sitting on a rocking chair next to me. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life.

I didn't like the "sex clubs" as we called them because I didnt like men being involved sexually. We began to look for a "lesbian" who might be into men also, or a bisexual girl. He talked to me about living a poly lifestyle with another woman. Having a girlfriend who was here to be with me when he went to bed (he works nights and I spend many nights alone while he sleeps as I am a night owl) and someone to help around the house. Someone for both of us to love. I loved the idea. We have in the past 12 years dated a number of women, many of them have been very short term, lasting less then 2-3 months. Usually because of issues that I have with what you guys refer to as the "green eyed monster". My husband and I have no children. We had always talked about how we really didnt nessecarily want children. I thought we were ont he same page about this. When we have dated these women, my hisband has told me that I have no reason to be insecure. That I am number one. That if I for any reason dont like the women that we are with, he will (and has) gotten out of the relationships. I begin these relationships loving the other woman. Loving spending time with her, falling in love with her and every time much more in love then my husband ever is. He is very much interested int he sexual side of it. I have spent the last 15 years saying through gritted teeth "I dont think this is going to work" and "I love having you all to myself, I dont like sharing your income or your time with another person the entire time not realizing that I am also jealous of my husbands relationship with our girlfriend. I am jealous because now I am once again sitting in the living room alone while they have sex. She always comes out and spends the rest of the night with me. and she does whatever I ask her to to help me (eventually, which is anoher issue, as I d the cooking and she does the dishes, if she doesnt do the dishes, I dont have the things to cook with. This angers me greatly, there are other situations like this, but I use this as a example) , as I am partially disabled, she is a very sweet girl, and while she is a young, and sometimes (ok often) has the "I know better" attitude of youth that we all had (she is 24) and I could get used to that I guess. I mean we all have things about the other person that kinda annoy us, we smile and say "uggh I hate that!!!" but we dont end relationships. I always feel like crap after my husband is told that I dont like a woman and I want him to end the relationship. He always does, and he is always sad. I am torn, I want to make him happy, I want the picturesque scene that he talked about. The one where we are all happy, and that other woman is perfect for us. We both love her deeply, and I dont have any jealousy and I am fine with everything. That is not this lifestyle.

To further complicate things, she has a 5 year old daughter. She moved in with us about 3 months into the now 6 month relationship due to a situation that kinda made it nessecary due to her circumstances. The kid is a very sweet little 5 year old girl who is really a good kid compoared to other kids. My husband ADORES the little girl. I think she is agreat also, but I also am not in a place in my life where I wanted or ever saw myself having kids. The fact that my husband loves this little girl so much hurts me very uch because I feel like he said he didnt want kids because I didnt, and that if I had said I did want them he would have loved to have had them. I feel like I can not give him that (I am a masters student, I have career plans that do not include having a child nor did my husband and my plan to "travel the world" take into consideration the financial and logistical feasability of that with a child who is because of school going to have to be pretty local for the next 15 years.

Our girlfriend works full time (she hasnt till just recently) and my husband has been working during the day, and I have been home with the little girl all day long watching her and TRYING to get my school work done. As a college student it takes me many many hours of studying and research at this level of education, and I am sacrificing my schooling in order to watch the child.

I know this has been long, and I am sure that not many will have read this far, but I guess I am kinda stuck. I dont know what to do. I thought I wanted this. Now that I have it, I dont know. Can someone please give any advice. There is more ot this story (there always is isnt there) but these are some of the details. Please help this Family figure this thing out!!.
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