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  #21  
Old 07-15-2011, 08:14 PM
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Thanks everyone! Just got home from work and I'm tired, so I'll make a better post later.

By biblical I was referring to, God doesn't say "No poly, only monogamy." It's nowhere in the Scriptures. That's where she's having the hard time. Church always preaches monogamy, etc., but the teachings don't come from the Bible. The church is the one who mandated monogamy way back when as a means for economical resource. The men just couldn't support more than one wife and the children that they would have. So, the church stepped in and said "monogamy only". Yes, there were certain cultures that were monogamous, but it wasn't a generalized practice until the economy got strained.

The only reason I talked Bible with her, was because that's immediately where she took it. I didn't even ask her about joining us. I just presented it as a conversational topic that we are chewing on for ourselves, so I could get a feel for how she was taking it. As soon as she cut me off last night, she text me husband saying, "Don't call or text me tonight." He asked, "Just tonight or ever?" "I'm not sure yet."
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  #22  
Old 07-15-2011, 08:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
We have a thread on it here, called Polyamory and Christianity, tho it has recently devolved into people defending pedophile priests as some sort of conspiracy of liars making up the child rapes to get money from the Church.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2797
A better way for me to phrase that would have been for openbj to share her research in that forum. My bad for not making that clear. Thanks for the link, Magdlyn!
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  #23  
Old 07-15-2011, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openbj View Post
As soon as she cut me off last night, she text me husband saying, "Don't call or text me tonight." He asked, "Just tonight or ever?" "I'm not sure yet."
Everyone reacts to being faced with a real poly situation differently. She may be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-image over the previous affair and not really understand how to process this new revelation.

Love and forgiveness, openbj. We can't push anybody through the door, but we can hold it open patiently with open arms and open hearts.
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  #24  
Old 07-16-2011, 02:36 AM
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Okay, now I have a bit more time and energy lol.

The 3 angels daddy is in and out. He wants the visitations with the kiddos, but he doesn't want to pay child support or be responsible in any other way. She has already told him that she's looking at moving with the kids to her mom's house, which is about 5-6 hours away from him and he was okay with that. If things were to work out with her and she moved with us, he would not be told why or whom she is moving to be closer to. Their divorce was caused by the straw that broke the camels back, my husband and her's affair. They were headed there already and talking to attorneys and what not, but he really wrote her off after finding out about the affair. He made things very dirty for her and still is at times. She has zero support from him so far and it's been 10 months. Even when she lets him have visitation, the angels are left with his parents and he spends very little time with them. It's really sad.

Sagency, I have read through that thread already. I've been through most of the posts in that forum since joining. Everyone seems to be trying to point people with questions to the Unitarian church, which I'm really just not interested in. We are full pentecostal christians. I really hope no one takes offense to this, but my husband was actually a pastor for about 8 years of our marriage. This has been one particular area that we have really struggled with (monogamy/polyamory/open marriage) and have really taken time to study and research in the Scriptures. The orders for monogamy, just aren't there. The condemnation of more than one "wife", just isn't there. Some things are just left open in Scripture so that we may figure out our own salvation with fear and trembling. I kinda wish this one was in there though, it would save a lot of debate lol.

Nycindie, I have a feeling that her feelings of guilt have a lot to do with it right now. I know she has really beat herself up over it. That's why I really wish I was where I am now, then. It would have saved so much heartache!

Mono, my hubby is struggling with poly vs. affair as well. It just finds it really difficult to explain to a girl that he likes, that we are open. We've been just open since January, so this is not a new conversation for us. Only now are we looking at poly because he is just too relational for random sex of an open marriage. He likes to have me and a girlfriend. Which is fine. That's why we're moving forward, but he is afraid that explaining poly will be even more difficult than explaining open and the girls will be disinterested. He doesn't really deal well with rejection sometimes, especially if really likes someone.

GS, that's sort of the route I took. I apologized for ruining their happiness and explained that I now understand that hubby can love myself and another and be happy as can be. I also told her that when he did have both her and I, he was happier than I had seen him in a long time, until I found out . I didn't outright ask her to join us, but presented it more as a conversation about something that hubby and I are chewing on. She is not happy. She text him today and told him, "We've been friends for quite a while now, I really enjoy our friendship and care about you, but I cannot stand by and support your decisions lately, especially when you know they are wrong." Except, we know that they're not wrong. I don't know.

I think I covered everything. If not, just ask. There's actually another girl that would love to be hubby's girlfriend. But, she wants it to just be her and hubby as far as we understand right now. He hasn't talked to her about poly yet, because we just decided to move that direction. He would really rather have A though, he does truly love her. Only time will tell I guess.
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  #25  
Old 07-16-2011, 03:04 AM
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Sorry, little bit about the girl that wants to be his girlfriend. Even if we did bring her in, it would likely be just a short term thing. She is going off to college and is quite a bit younger than us. The only connection, is that she and hubby enjoy talking and are really attracted to one another. But, that's it. It's mostly a physical thing at this point. Maybe it would be a good first try at being poly? I know poly is about love and being united in that, but with all of my jealousy issues that I'm working on overcoming, maybe a surface level relationship is good for the first time? Hubby doesn't really expect her to be interested that much longer. He really feels that she'll get to college, around others her own age, and grow bored of him lol. If we move within OK for that job, we'll only be about an hour away from her, which is still distance and he doesn't think she'll really be up to traveling it much. He'll be super busy with the new job, on the road a lot, so there won't be much time for any distance in a relationship. If we move to NM for that job, it won't last. We both already know that. She does know about both of the job offers.

He's really worried about inviting her in though. He says she's actually a very conservative person and like I said earlier, he's scared of explaining. So, for the time being, I have given him permission to see her without being "brought in" completely and just let them ride this wave. But we have talked and agreed that if things do get deeper and go further, then she is to be told before there are real emotional attachments and invite her in if that is what she is open to. If she's not, then it ends there. He really doesn't see it going deeper though. He is kind of her rebound crush right now and there are too many other variables that will lead to them being drawn apart.

He did invite her to be friends on FB, she accepted (that happened today). Hubby and I play around and flirt A LOT on there (our friends have told us to get a room on more than one occasion lol), so she will see that. I think that's his subtle way of breaking the ice for future discussions with her if it goes there lol and a way for her to "meet" me without actually meeting me.
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  #26  
Old 07-16-2011, 04:52 AM
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A and I are talking!! She said she was pissed at hubby for causing me to think this way because of his affairs (he had others in the past, but he only truly loved her). I told her it's not his fault that he loves someone other than just me.

A: "He loves everyone else."
Me: "He lusts others, yes. But, he's only truly loved one other person."
A: "I don't know about that."
Me: I do. I held him and comforted him as he cried for her. It's real.
A: So who is this is other person?
Me: Do you really want to know?
A: Do I know her?
Me: Yes, very well. Yes, very well.
And I know that she has tried to fight it, but she loved him too and I'm guessing, still does.
And, it's okay. That is the only kind of person that I would want to be in a full relationship with my husband. A person that loves him, is concerned for him, pushing him to be successful in all aspects of his life, and loves his wife and that we are together as well. Someone that can work with me for the soul goal of love and happiness. That can be a family with our family. The poly thing isn't about sex. It's about the love and happiness that everyone brings to each other. It's about being a family. The girl that loves my husband, would be my best friend through all of life's ups and downs.

She hasn't responded and has logged off. I'm sure there are a lot of emotions that are going through her right now. She had convinced herself that what they had meant nothing and has been fighting her feelings for him. I know this, because she told him when they were trying to break things off. It was extremely difficult for both of them and has left a huge void in both of their lives.
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  #27  
Old 07-16-2011, 05:42 AM
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Very exciting!
Stay focused ont he love and acceptance, and take every step with proper caution and forethought. I'm glad to hear your story taking such a positive turn.
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  #28  
Old 07-17-2011, 03:32 AM
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Quick update: Neither hubby nor I have heard from A at all today. But, she also hasn't deleted as a friend on FB. I hope it's just 'cause she's sorting through her emotions and searching her heart.
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  #29  
Old 07-17-2011, 04:26 AM
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Waiting can be the hardest part.
*tick*tock*argh!*

*hug*
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  #30  
Old 07-17-2011, 04:54 AM
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Okay. I did talk to her tonight. But not about any of this. I don't want to overwhelm her. We just talked friendly and joked about some stuff, had a good time. I'm trying to just leave her to chew on some stuff. She did admit tonight, that she was really upset with hubby because of this other girl. He had told A about her and so she's really pissed. Probably not his best move, but at least it was honesty. But, he had originally lied to me about flirting around with this other girl and A knows that, so that seems to be her biggest frustration right now. That he had lied to me.
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