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  #11  
Old 07-15-2011, 12:27 PM
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Oh, no. I'm so sorry it didn't go well.
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  #12  
Old 07-15-2011, 02:23 PM
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Hmm. Perhaps the affair is something she has such shame about that she wants to forget the whole thing, just continuing the friendship. Maybe she feels that she has worked hard to make up for it and this kind of proposal has brought it to the surface again. It could be that she thinks putting herself in that position will give her a reason to feel like she is a bad person or doing wrong again. Maybe the next step is for your hubs to talk to her.
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  #13  
Old 07-15-2011, 02:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openbj View Post

She's having a really hard time believing that poly is biblical.
But an affair was?
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  #14  
Old 07-15-2011, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openbj View Post

She's having a really hard time believing that poly is biblical.
I'm curious where this aproach came from? I'm not judging it, but think this is the first time some one has used the bible to try to explain poly to someone.

My advice is to now back off as far as possible and do just like you said..let her chew on it.

I still struggle with the idea and benefit of poly over affairs. I know how destructive affairs can be but I also know that the idea of poly is an even more shocking concept to most people I know..... outside of the poly community that is.

Give her time and good luck
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  #15  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:09 PM
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I'm wondering about the little angels' daddy - where is he in all this, and is he going to be ok with the idea of her moving to a new state to live polyamorously? Her kids are so young, is what prompted my question.

I'm sorry she reacted with disgust, but maybe she will have some time to process and start to see the positives.
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  #16  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:25 PM
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Hi BJ,

\ Although I also like what NYC laid out, from experience I might approach it in a less formal manner. Because 'poly' is so little understood it can actually become a block at first. I've found it's better to let people come to such 'labels' on their own.

I (we) have been in this exact position - and seen it a number of times in others.

What we found worked for us was to simply acknowledge the previous relationship, express the lack of understanding and how to cope/deal, and to explain that it's finally 'clear'. Nothing more.
Your explanation of now understanding how everyone's happiness is increased by it and that no 'harm' is coming from it is enough. You give your blessing and look forward to sharing in that happiness with both of them yourself.

It's simple enough..........

"I love you both - I'm happy if I can help make you both happy too !"

GS
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  #17  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi BJ,

\ Although I also like what NYC laid out, from experience I might approach it in a less formal manner.
We don't know if she used my words, which were just a loose suggestion based on what she wrote here.

I think getting into taking about the Bible may have complicated the discussion.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #18  
Old 07-15-2011, 06:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openbj View Post
I busted out all of my Bible references and research that I could for now.
I'm actually really curious to hear more about your research and examples if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Thanks.
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  #19  
Old 07-15-2011, 06:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think getting into taking about the Bible may have complicated the discussion.
My own research inquiry aside, NYC is likely correct.

Space is good for right now. As you reconnect, you can come form a place of love and forgiveness (both vital to Christianity, relationships in general, and polyamory in particular).
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  #20  
Old 07-15-2011, 07:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
I'm actually really curious to hear more about your research and examples if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Thanks.
We have a thread on it here, called Polyamory and Christianity, tho it has recently devolved into people defending pedophile priests as some sort of conspiracy of liars making up the child rapes to get money from the Church.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2797
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miss pixi, 37
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