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Old 07-12-2011, 07:57 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Default How do you keep stress from your SOs relationship from affecting you?

OK, strange situation, but it leads to a question that I'm looking for help with. An issue has come up in hubs' relationship--one that has me very concerned. I've voiced my concerns to him and he's thinking about it, but the worry about the situation has spiked my anxiety to higher points than I've ever been. In other words... I can hardly eat, or focus, I don't want to talk to anybody, and the stress and anxiety are causing me to want to pull away from him, since he is part of the situation that's causing me stress (not the one doing it, but part of the relationship).

He asked me about that because he can't understand why something 3,000 miles way could be causing so much distress that I can't sleep nights. I didn't really have a good answer. The situation itself, to me, leaves me feeling unsure, unsafe, and not feeling very supportive at all of his maintaining the relationship. But that's not my decision. And after expressing any concerns, I feel I need to let him make his choices. But it's really hard for me to back away after that without completely shutting him out. Because I don't feel like I can be fun and laugh and flippant with him now, not with things hanging over my head. And I may be overreacting, that's definitely possible, but then maybe not. My instincts tend to be fairly accurate...

I do suffer from anxiety, but mostly in my life it's just been "worry" about something. Maybe the fact that I've been under a lot of stress is the factor that's causing me to not be able to set this aside very easily. I'd feel the same way if it was my daughter in this position and not hubs-- so I don't really think it's a poly thing. It's a concern thing. But how, and when, does one set aside your concerns and let the other person make the decisions they think are right? And how do you get right with that, and not worry about what will happen?

It may very well just be me and anxiety, but just wondering if anybody else has had concerns about their partner's relationship and have had it effect how they relate to their partner.
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Old 07-14-2011, 05:26 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
how, and when, does one set aside your concerns and let the other person make the decisions they think are right? And how do you get right with that, and not worry about what will happen?

anybody else has had concerns about their partner's relationship and have had it effect how they relate to their partner.
You start right from the beginning. Don't think about it, it isn't your business what goes on in his relationships. Do what ever that thing is where you self talk yourself to not think about it... the only time you should think about it is if it directly relates to you or if he asks to bend your ear. You and your gut might be right, but this is his life, his choice and his journey, not yours.... get some sleep and leave him to it. That is what has worked for me anyway.

Yes I have had sleepless nights over PN's relationship stuff. I hate that. It sucks and I get mad at myself. I tend to not go to a place of over thinking it all and stay out of it entirely.... there have been times he has asked what I think and I tell him honestly, but its his choice, not mine and not my business. I am his supporter no matter what. That is what I signed up for. If he falls on his face I will be his leaning post to get up... that's it.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:10 AM
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While I agree with RP it is much easier said than done. My partner has a very low maintenance SO (thank God) but I still get upset for him when things go astray. More than that actually, it's like sharing his pain. I hate it but don't know how to stop it and then I get resentful at her that we're both in pain and I blame her for upsetting our life together. I know, completely sick. I'm not in a very good place with this right now. I think the world of polyamory is hardest for those of us prone to being emotional and/or anxious.
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Old 07-14-2011, 12:49 PM
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Just how bad are your h's problems with his OSO? Is he in danger, serious danger, physically or emotionally? Then worry, take action if he really needs protection. If it's just more minor relationship glitches we all go through, let him be, let him learn his life lessons, listen if he needs it, cuddle him when he's around... recommend he get therapy if he really needs some life skills counseling.
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Old 07-14-2011, 02:43 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Thanks all. Mags, it's not just romantic relationship glitches. That I don't think I'd have anxiety about or get involved in at all. It's more serious than that, and it's something that needs help in ways that HE can't even really do, at least not by himself. I know, cryptic, but still feel like I can't express it fully without violating someone's privacy, even anonymously.

It's something that did bleed over to me briefly over the weekend through a couple of phone calls, and made me realize a lot more was going on than I had thought, some of which hit a lot of very personal bad family history buttons, which is why I've completely pulled out of communicating with the SO from now on. (A point hubs agreed with.)

I did some further research after it all hit, and it just worried me more that hubs is in over his head in matters that he didn't really have enough information about. I sent him a ton of stuff, and we ended up talking the other day and I REALLY stressed my concerns because I felt he wasn't taking them as seriously as he needed to and was putting himself in the possibilities of danger. He couldn't see that... and I understand why, but I needed him to pull himself out of the situation for half a second, read what I sent, hear what I was saying and just be aware.

I do feel like he definitely has more knowledge now, and while I'm not comfortable with the situation at least I think if somethings going down he'll see it coming sooner and that's the best I can ask for at this point.

The anxiety is slowly getting less... I've had a couple of days where my stomach wasn't clenched, at least for a few hours, so that helps. I have nightmares every night though, and it takes a while after waking to relax (even with deep breathing every time I think of it). I went to my hot yoga class yesterday and that helped a lot. I'm keeping busy, and that helps some.

Mostly what I'm trying to work with now is that when I think of him, I think of "them" and the situation and it causes me instant anxiety. So part of not feeling anxious is not thinking about him at all because everything he's doing right now is connected to her (well, that's exaggerated-- but 90% is probably accurate). I mean they are 3,000 miles away, I'm over here on the other side of the country. There is no cuddling, no touch, no connection for us. So other than a few texts here and there about bills and working out some stuff for when he gets back, we don't have much connection going. We have a date to skype on Monday, since they're going away for the weekend this weekend and won't have time. I'm really feeling very disconnected from him right now... and it gets worse each day.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:22 PM
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PN is so good at leaving me to my relationships. He is an anxious guy and emotional but doesn't get like that with me and my life. He is the voice of reason when I over think and am anxious and stressed in my relationships. I really love that he is my best friend but not my keeper or protector in that way.
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:17 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
PN is so good at leaving me to my relationships. He is an anxious guy and emotional but doesn't get like that with me and my life. He is the voice of reason when I over think and am anxious and stressed in my relationships. I really love that he is my best friend but not my keeper or protector in that way.
That's a good thing. I used to never get involved at all with his relationships, other than listening to what he wanted to talk about and arranging schedules. Really, this situation is just WAY different. I'm not trying to protect his feelings... I'm trying to protect HIM from danger and harm. But ... that said... I've done what I can and now I need to let him do what he needs to do.

I did talk to him today and we cleared up a couple of things, or at least it cleared up a couple of things for me, so I think I now have the perspective to just move on with my life here, and leave him to his there, and hopefully meet in the middle a little more often for some us time.
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