Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 07-14-2011, 07:05 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,532
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LOL, SNeacail, you are the go-to gal when it comes to lists and schedules!
Just wish I could be as good at following them.

Actually, I tend to repeat what our marriage councelor has told us.

Last edited by SNeacail; 07-14-2011 at 07:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 07-14-2011, 08:07 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

LOL, yes counseling will indeed be on the menu after his return.

So, I did decide you were right, and I do need to talk to him, so I did bring it up... in text, LOL... because we won't get a chance to talk in person until Monday and I thought I should at least start the thought process about how we can touch base more often and why I need it.

Long story, short... hubs is completely stressed out right now with life in general. Work for various reasons, and then the GF, me, and apparently his daughter and mom are both making some kind of demands or having issues, I'm not sure which we didn't get into it. So basically all of the distance, and not communicating as much and feeling disconnected was because he is on the brink of losing it and was pulling back and retreating for his own personal sanity. He's feeling like he can't make anyone happy, let alone anyone, and he's not happy and doesn't know what to do about that. :-/

Of course it all comes back to communication-- had I KNOWN that, I would have seen where the feelings I have are coming from, I would have understood that it has not much to do with me and I could have more productively gotten some more fun good communication here and there and understood the times he needs to himself.

Basically four little sentences in text and I had the info I needed. We didn't get a chance to talk about the communication part because he had a work situation he had to deal with, but I will at some point talk to him about it. He tends to keep his feelings inside and "deal" with them, and think he doesn't want to spill it on everyone else, but like everybody else who does that the spillage occurs anyway and it's usually not pretty. Like most things, changing this will take time and hopefully someone else to talk with about handling stress and emotions more productively. AND seeing me as a partner to help him through hard times and stress, instead of feeling he'd be dumping it on me, or keeping it from me until I end up becoming part of the problem.

Anyway, I feel better, he probably doesn't though. But at least I now have enough information so that I can move forward and chill out a little bit and come back down to earth. Hopefully we'll have a nice Skype chat on Monday.
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 07-14-2011, 08:46 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,532
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Of course it all comes back to communication-- had I KNOWN that, I would have seen where the feelings I have are coming from, I would have understood that it has not much to do with me and I could have more productively gotten some more fun good communication here and there and understood the times he needs to himself.
Completely know how you feel here. "Just clue me in" is my broken record . Now you can ask him what you can do to help him or send him little loving texts that he doesn't need to respond to, but might lighten his heart a little during the day.
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 07-14-2011, 08:56 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Completely know how you feel here. "Just clue me in" is my broken record . Now you can ask him what you can do to help him or send him little loving texts that he doesn't need to respond to, but might lighten his heart a little during the day.
That would be the plan.
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 07-15-2011, 08:44 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So things are going okay. I still have physical feelings of anxiety about 80% of my day, but it's to a little lesser degree I guess? Since hubs and his GF are pretty much spending all of their time together right now, I guess this is the opportunity to just get thrown into it and accept it and let it go. In that regard I'm trying to keep myself busy, mostly with fun stuff, but also with some good stress reduction stuff like Yoga, and keeping up with my schoolwork, so I don't stress on school.

Tonight is girls' night for Pride, and tomorrow's the festival, so that should be fun, but TIRING, LOL. I haven't really slept well in a few weeks, so I'm starting to feel it a bit more. The plan is to come home at a reasonable hour on Saturday (Margaret Cho is performing, so after that I'll go home), and get some rest and sleep in on Sunday. I don't have any plans for sunday except to do yoga at 6:30, so my goal is to do laundry, lay around and recharge, hang with the boychild and relax for the week.

On another front, one of the guys that I met through OKCupid called yesterday to see if I could go out for drinks. I had school, though, but we're going to try to meet up this week or weekend. And I started a conversation with another guy who seems really nice and seems to have a good sense of humor so we'll see how that goes.

For now I just keep breathing, just keep moving, keep doing things. I'm waiting for the time when I just can BE without thinking all of the time. I told hubs yesterday I felt a little like I was losing him, or he was losing me or something was being lost. I do feel like that, but maybe that loss is the enmeshed attachment I've had with him. Maybe that's what it feels like when you pull yourself out of someone else and back into your own body. Maybe that's the painful piece of becoming whole again on your own. So maybe it's not a bad thing. Just hurts a bit.

Like everything else, I wish it would happen faster.
Reply With Quote
  #76  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:29 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So I survived the weekend, LOL.

Actually it was a very nice weekend. Had a GREAT time out with the girls for Pride. We started at one bar, and then edged our way to another down the street and danced for hours. Then it got super duper crowded so we old broads jumped ship! Walked back to the car... so about 2 miles walking and 3 hours dancing in the big girl shoes... ouch! Fun though...

Saturday I slept in and was lazy for a bit. Decided not to go to the parade, since my daughter was working anyway, lazed about, showered and did a cursory cleaning of the house cuz it was messy and driving me nuts! Felt much better, relaxed a bit, and then when my daughter got home we went to the festival. Ate some food, hung with my girls, sat in the grass and watched everyone, saw some drag queens/kings perform, and then watched Margaret Cho. Totally cool and fun, got home by 10, and was in my jammies by 10:03.

Sunday I got up fairly early.. went and did groceries and laundry and then relaxed all day until yoga at 6:30.

Hubs texted in the a.m. on Sunday (he'd had his phone turned off since Friday), so that was sweet. I texted with him this morning, apparently the two days at the beach helped him a lot, he's much more relaxed and sounds happy, so that's really great and nice! We're having a Skype date tonight, which will be nice, since we've not gotten to talk much in over a week.

I'm getting used to not hearing from him as much. I'm getting used to not thinking about what he's up to as much. I was right in that since I figure they're always together, it gets really old really fast to think about it at all. Still do sometimes, old habits, but it's definitely getting easier to distract and work on other things. Having a potential date (or two) in the future to think thoughts about helps immensely!

I feel like I'm coming out of the painful part of getting myself as an individual back, at least the majority of it. I feel separate from him, but in a good way. I feel like the un-meshing is definitely coming along. I still have moments of anxiety and emotions, but they pass quicker and aren't as deep and heavy. In a way, I was kind of grieving the loss of something... something that needed to go away, but something that FELT like safety to me (though it wasn't really).

Still, it's all been a good experience in the end. There is still much work to do on myself, AND on us as a couple. Step one after he gets into one on one counseling is we need to go to a couples counselor and get our communication in order. And we need to get some good US bonding time going on, which I think we'll do for sure. But I'm not letting that get away from us again like it did before.

And, if I end up dating, that will be a whole new situation as he's never had to deal with that at all. So... adventures to continue.

Oh, and I was looking back over my journal... and I think I was really just venting here all of the frustrations and things I didn't feel I could vent to hubs. Probably better it came out here, it needed to come out SOMEWHERE... but most of it was just heat of the moment, helplessness confusion.

Last edited by Minxxa; 07-18-2011 at 07:40 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 07-19-2011, 03:50 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Had a REALLY nice chat with hubs tonight.

We are good. I am good. He was much better after the weekend at the beach... a little rejuvenation!

We talked a lot about planning a vacation for when he gets home. i think we're going to take a cruise, which will be nice... time to reconnect and hang out and no responsibilities.

Overall it was a really nice time... we got to reconnect a little. I told him about my little journey to become my independent self-- which is going really well. We also talked about me not overloading him with my silliness anymore. I have a counselor and friends... unless we have something to discuss and deal with he doesn't have to hear every stray thought I have. And... we also talked about going to couples counseling after he gets back. I think we're mostly on the same track now, which is nice.

We didn't really talk about him and his GF. I told him I'm really OK with it now, I'm past whatever BS I had about it... so possibly in the future, but if not, i'm good with that too.

So yay!
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 07-22-2011, 08:50 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

A good week mostly, though I have some wierd summer cold? Mostly it's just a cough... I've had it since I got back from D.C. on and off. I think it has something to do with the weather changes because I've been going back and forth from 60 in my office to high 90s/100 at home for two weeks. Ick. The cough has been there, and then gone... mostly just like dry throat feeling... and then yesterday blyeah... feel ICKY.

Anyway, was going to go to yoga tonight, but no way that will work. Instead, picking up a couple of movies and heading home. Going to take a nice long shower, put on comfy clothes and curl up on the couch and watch a movie or two with the kids and hopefully go to bed EARLY. Drink some ginger tea, take some vitamin C and sleep.

I had a date on Wednesday. I didn't say anything ahead of time because I just wanted to see where it would go. It was OK. We seemed to hit it off, but then there just wasn't any chemistry there "romantically". I most likely rushed into it thinking what the heck and take a chance-- but it just didn't pan out like I would have liked. That's okay though, I learned a few things about myself-- one of which is I need to stop "trying" to get something going and just be open to it and get out of the house more. I need to meet people in person and see if there's chemistry, or not, or not focus on it but just be aware and open to it. Lesson learned. I think I was just eager to meet someone because I'm a bit lonely, have time on my hands and -- to be honest-- am tired of going months without sex. :-(

Anywho.. I'm just gonna have to deal with that, and let things happen a bit more naturally. But... that does require I get out of the house, LOL, I'm not gonna meet anybody new there! I'll work on it...

For now, this weekend I'm gonna focus on getting healthy and doing some homework as next week is my last week in this class. Yay! Then, I only really have 3-4 weeks until hubs gets home, so much to do!

We got to chat on the phone a bit before my class yesterday which went well. I told him about the date, he told me how it went for him... good stuff really. Mostly I think we both realized how much we love each other and need to reinforce that thought out loud a LOT more often, something that has been the overwhelming message taken away from this deployment. I think we are so much stronger than we were as a couple, and getting stronger independently as well. All good stuff.

Talked a little about the GF, went well. Offered some advice when asked, and am mostly pretty even-keeled about the whole thing. I try to be supportive when asked and non-intrusive the rest of the time. Hopefully I'm mostly successful! As I've been told here before, it's not my relationship. True that.

Okay, thank goodness it's friday. Another hour or so and I can run.
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 07-24-2011, 08:05 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So missing hubs a lot today. It's been a quiet (for the most part) weekend at home, doing homework and reading and hanging with the kids, so not as much to distract me I suppose! We've texted here and there this weekend, but he's been much more out of touch on the weekends he spends with the GF. I'm trying to give them the space to work on the stuff they need to, but just feeling lonely today. I know i'll get through it just fine... going to run to the bookstore with the kids in a minute, and then I have yoga tonight and then start the week over again!

And tomorrow hubs and I have a skype date, so that will be nice. I think, though, I might have to talk to him about maybe getting a bit more contact in throughout the week. Maybe at least one phone call a week in addition to the skype date, and maybe a little more texting. I don't need much more... but a little would be nice.
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 07-24-2011, 10:35 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So hubs called this afternoon and we got to chat for 15 minutes or so. I did mention needing to hear his voice a "bit" more often and he agreed. But then I got a bit miffy at him. :-( Sigh... not bad and we recovered quick, but I felt bad later, so I apologized and sent him a boobie pic.

I know what the problem is, I just haven't figured out how to accept it and work it out in my head so that I'm good with it. Basically, I feel like he has all of these women who need him-- his daughter, obviously, needs him a LOT right now, his GF-- same thing, she's working on some serious issues and he's her only support, and his mom... well she THINKS she needs him, or at least more regular communication with him... and then there's me. So he gets all of these demands and neediness from all sides, and it gets to be too much. He needs to have moments of peace in his life, too... quiet times to just be to recharge himself.

And right now, I am the least needy, and the strongest one of the group. And also the only one who seems to be able to take a step back and give him that space that he needs. And part of me is good with that because I know I AM strong enough to take care of myself, I have my own issues but I know how to deal with them and am taking care of the things that need to be taken care of. But part of me sometimes just gets whiny and wonders why I always have to be the one to suck it up and take care of myself, so that he has the energy and time to spend on other people?

It is VERY petty, and usually just comes when I'm down and feeling lonely and it feels like I am not getting my needs met so that others can get theirs met and it feels unfair and I want to stomp my feet and complain. LOL... but the responsible, strong part of me knows it just has to be this way right now and that's how it is.

Generally I just have to stop and think about the others' in his life and realize that they really DO need him more right now. That while he seems to be their rock, I am HIS rock, and the one that he comes to for support and help when he needs it.

Mostly I do just want to figure out a way to be okay with it better... knowing that it's not permanent, knowing that he's coming home in a month or so and i will get to FINALLY have him close and here for me, and get all the love and snuggles and stuff I can handle. It's been over two years since I really had that...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, coping, marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:37 AM.