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  #61  
Old 07-11-2011, 03:38 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Mags, you are right. I should be able to just stretch a little bit as needed. I have a lot on my plate and sometimes I just get so overwhelmed in my head.. that I feel like I can't take a moment out. And that's not really true.

Yesterday I had a "bed day". Slept in, got up and ate, and spent the day in my jammies in bed. Watched some videos, did some research, a little reading. It was lovely. I did do laundry and get that all put away and hung up, so I wasn't completely lazy, but mostly. Saturday was all about the errands and getting stuff done, and I think I was still a bit tired and jet-lagged from the vacation and flights and stuff. The rest did me good, though.

Got to skype with hubs on Saturday, it was nice. Short, though, we started way too late and he was sleepy, LOL. Talked about a lot of stuff, caught up and just hung out a little.

It's been an interesting week polywise. Not sure where anything's going right now some bumps in the road came up. I'll leave it at that, as I'm not making any assumptions and we'll see what happens next. Sounds mysterious, but not really, I just again don't like to post too much about someone else, I feel like it's rude.

Next week is Pride week in San Diego. Going out with the girls on Friday, and then doing the Parade and festival on Saturday. Taking my daughter, as she loves the parade, so that should be interesting...

Other than that, just a week of work/school. Have to study tonight I have a quiz tomorrow. :-(
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  #62  
Old 07-12-2011, 01:20 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I'm having a heavy anxiety day/night. :-(

I don't like getting stressed out about a relationship I'm not even in and that I don't have any control over.
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  #63  
Old 07-13-2011, 01:41 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Still anxious, but it's getting a little bit better. Just takes time I guess. I'm pretty much staying out of hubs' relationship from now on. We talked last night and I think he has a handle on things, but for various reasons I can't talk about, I can't be involved with this person at all anymore. Too many issues directly related to a lot of old family shite from my past. I think that's where the anxiety was coming from.

I actually had a pretty good childhood myself (aside from moving constantly and no good daddy role models) ... but my mom's side of the family is rife with personality disorders and brain chemistry issues. Which basically means she was raised and surrounded by narcissists, antisocial personality disordered people and bipolar people. Makes for a pretty dramatic, crazy, horrible way to grow up. And she never really understood why they'd do the things they'd do with her-- she's pretty logical and like me tends to think "if only I do x maybe they won't turn on me". :-( It wasn't until I started learning a lot about this stuff in school that I made the connections and I have talked to her about it a lot, hoping to help her understand it had NOTHING to do with her. She was just there, and therefore a target. Because it was family she didn't cut them out of her life. I wished I knew then what I know now because I would have done it for her.

I had my own experiences with people with PDs since then... one of my girlfriends for several years was most definitely histrionic, and my old boss from hell was the biggest narcissistic asshat I've ever met. I tended to be the way my mom was for a while "if I just do x, they'll not yell, scream, turn on me". But I realized very quickly it wasn't me, it was them and nothing I did would be good enough to evade the drama, or yelling (that would be my boss), etc.

Anyway, seeing how brutalized my mom has been by people who were just not well at all, and dealing with those types of people myself ... I've kind of made a rule to only have people in my life that are down to earth, no drama, no trouble, you can count on them type of people. I cut all of the rest of them completely out, like a tumor. Mind you, we're all a little nutty in our own ways, and we ALL have issues of various types, LOL, but these are people that NEVER bring craziness to my life. I didn't realize how much peace I gained from that until recently.

Time to step back from things and just focus on myself for a while.
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  #64  
Old 07-14-2011, 02:53 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So anxiety is a little better. It's not 24/7 now... I get a few hours each day when it's gone, but having nightmares every night, not sleeping well, and wake up each morning with my stomach and abs clenched so tight it hurts. I just hope it keeps getting better.

Got to talk to hubs for about 15 minutes last night which was nice, especially since we won't get a chance to talk or anything until next week now since he and the GF are going away for the weekend. I've got plans, too, it's Pride in San Diego, so going out Friday with the girls and Saturday to the festival, so it's not like I'm sitting at home.

Really though, right now, I just feel more and more disconnected with him every day. When I think about him right now, it's about him and her as a "them" since now her kids are gone for the summer they're basically together, talking, texting, calling all of the time. I don't feel like there's any room for me in there. And because of the situation, thinking about "them" causes me instant anxiety, so I try not to, which causes me to not want to think about him either. We have no time to ourselves anymore. We do have a date to Skype on Monday night, but it just seems like our communication is getting further and further apart and for shorter and shorter amounts of time. I'm lucky to get an hour once a week on skype (now that's stretching out longer), and I'm lucky to get a 15-30 min phone call once a week. A few texts here and there... it's not enough to keep me feeling close.

I still think a lot of this is because we had just barely gotten back to feeling like a couple in February/March of this year (after he was gone, so long distance), and we got a whole 6 weeks of that before he started this new relationship which is now taking all of his time. I just don't feel like I belong in his life. I feel like his life is there now, and I'm just a visitor and the person that takes care of the house and forgets to water the plants.

A lot of this is just venting. I'm hoping it will pass. But I'm not sure how that's going to happen without SOME type of acknowledgement on his part. I've said things and he says he loves me so much and he thinks of me often and I get that. But when I hardly hear from him it just doesn't come across in actions, you know? I'm a very physical/quality time type of person, and the less time someone spends with me or on me, the less I feel loved.

He keeps saying hopefully we'll be more in sync when he gets home, and I get that. But that's 5- 6 weeks away. I'm not sure if there will be any connection left by the time he gets here.
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  #65  
Old 07-14-2011, 03:27 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It sucks he doesnt communicate more often. When my gf and I can't be together, we chat online every day, usually for at least a couple hours. And she only lives 22 miles away and we spend at least 2 days a week together!
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  #66  
Old 07-14-2011, 03:56 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Yeah Mags, it kind of sucks. Part of it is my schedule, too... I go to school two nights a week, so no time to talk, and we have a 3 hour time difference, so by 7pm he's in bed, so that cuts down on time as well, since it has to be between when I get home from work and then.

And honestly, part of the problem is he only really can handle SO much talking/texting/phoning... and his GF does a LOT of it. So it feels like he thinks he's been talking to us both all day, And he has... except only 3 or 4 of those texts were with me. I actually pointed that out to him a few weeks back and he realized it, and it stepped up a little, but with this latest situation, he's reverted since she's the needier one.

I have to admit I'm feeling REALLY ungiving and selfish right now. At this point I just want this 5 weeks to be done with and have him home. I want to erase the memory of this woman out of my life. I feel like his relationship with her came at a horrible time for us, and has set us back in our rediscovery of each other, opened up old wounds that hadn't healed, and has asked more of me than I think I have in me because of years of giving and giving and only a few weeks of getting. Totally selfish I know, and I'm probably just in a bad place right this second, but I don't know how to get out of it by myself without feeling alone, lonely and left behind.
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  #67  
Old 07-14-2011, 05:22 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I actually pointed that out to him a few weeks back and he realized it, and it stepped up a little, but with this latest situation, he's reverted since she's the needier one.
Bull Shit! Your last couple posts says that you are just as needy, she is just in his face about it. You guys have a serious communication issue - I speak from experience . The phone calls don't need to be hours on end, but they do need to be made, even if it's just to say "How was your day? Good Night, I love you!" Ask him to also call you in the morning, give you a wake up call or something. Let's face it doesn't cost a fortune just to make one long distance call anymore.

What do you need from him to make you feel loved? Tell him and keep telling him. If it something he has neglected to do for a while, it will take time for him to get back in the habit. I have found it extremely helpful to SPEAK UP, "when you don't call me, I feel ..." or something of the sort. The trick is to not be accusatory, but let him know how specific actions/words affect you and what he can do to ease your pain/fears in the future.
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  #68  
Old 07-14-2011, 05:56 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Bull Shit! Your last couple posts says that you are just as needy, she is just in his face about it. You guys have a serious communication issue - I speak from experience . The phone calls don't need to be hours on end, but they do need to be made, even if it's just to say "How was your day? Good Night, I love you!" Ask him to also call you in the morning, give you a wake up call or something. Let's face it doesn't cost a fortune just to make one long distance call anymore.

What do you need from him to make you feel loved? Tell him and keep telling him. If it something he has neglected to do for a while, it will take time for him to get back in the habit. I have found it extremely helpful to SPEAK UP, "when you don't call me, I feel ..." or something of the sort. The trick is to not be accusatory, but let him know how specific actions/words affect you and what he can do to ease your pain/fears in the future.
I know you are right, I do need to speak up. Again. It just feels like that's all I've been doing the past couple of months is trying to get something more established and it lasts a couple weeks and then she loses it and he's focused on that and I have to then remind him yet again. Plus right now I have so much anger and bitterness about the fact that I keep having to remind him to pay attention to me, that a conversation wouldn't be productive. I'm trying to get myself into a little more balanced space so I can communicate clearly without breaking down crying, but I'm not there yet. And conversations when I'm like this are not productive, and sometimes destructive and I don't want to go there at all.

He was texting me each morning, and he still does, but now it's a one liner, it used to be a few lines. Most nights he texts good night unless he's with her for the evening, sometimes he calls, but usually it's 3-4 minutes and he's yawning during the entire call. When we skyped on Saturday, it ended up being too late his time, so the entire time he's yawning and tired, and we did talk for an hour, but it was really... disconnected. I felt the whole time like he wasn't really fully there and was tired and needed to go to bed.

So maybe that's just it, it's not just the amount of communication, it's the quality of it. It all feels so disconnected. And I'm not sure how to get that connection back at all.

I'm going to give it a few days, over this weekend and then I can see where I am and maybe be more pulled together enough to talk to him about it.

And trust me I'm not as needy as she is. I need him a lot right now, but my issues are between him and I and about our relationship, hers are a much bigger and complex can of worms.
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  #69  
Old 07-14-2011, 06:35 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Like I said, speak up. "Honey, when you wait to call me until you are so tired you can't even see straight, it triggers my insecurities that I no longer matter to you. I need you to make time to give me your undivided attention ___ times a week. Let me know what schedule you come up with and I will also clear my calendar."

Start calling and actually talking to each other instead of relying on a text. Texting is fine for some things, but an actuall "Good Morning" phone call is better. Texting is a bit lazy and emotions get lost. Maybe you call one day, then ask him to call the next and go back and forth (tell him to set his alarm so he will remember - your habit building).

As far as her "complex can of worms", that's no excuse for him to ignore and neglect his existing commitments and responsibilities. I get highly suspicious when the g/f's drama escalates as your husband is trying to make more of an effort to connect with you. I've seen this (not necessarily poly related) more times than I would wish. I also see men with independent wives gravitate toward others who are much more needy, because it makes them feel like the hero (story of my married life). The problem is that they tend to loose themselves in "being needed" and they will neglect other responsibilities.

Last edited by SNeacail; 07-14-2011 at 06:40 PM.
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  #70  
Old 07-14-2011, 06:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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LOL, SNeacail, you are the go-to gal when it comes to lists and schedules!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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