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  #11  
Old 06-23-2011, 11:02 PM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Lightbulb funny thing happened at the market today

So I went to the grocery store today and it was the first time I had gone since not wearing my wedding ring anymore. There was this very attractive man that made eye contact with me and smiled. I smiled back politely like I always do and as I passed him (we were going opposite directions) it dawned on me...OMG, you could flirt with that guy...I wonder if he was flirting with you....OMG, there are potential friends/relationships everywhere! If that guy chatted you up, you could ask for his number OR you could give him yours if he asked....I am pursuing a person I already know but it was so funny because it just dawned on me that I can do whatever the hell I want!!! This is fun!

Now, I think the next step is to get Rider to do all of our grocery shopping in the future. He might do very well for himself at the local grocery market!
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married, heterosexual female currently in a newly opened relationship; married to IDRider47

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  #12  
Old 06-23-2011, 11:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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it boggles me how much stock people put in whether or not someone is wearing a wedding ring. we don't have wedding rings, and it is not typically something i notice on other people. but i have noticed on this forum and elsewhere that other people are really hyper-tuned-in to this signal they send out to the world in the form of a little piece of metal on their hands.
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  #13  
Old 06-24-2011, 12:11 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Rider was awesome about it. He called it a ďdateĒ but Iím not sure about calling it that.
Well, of course it was a date! I have all sorts of dates. Some of them are warm dates and some are hot dates. The difference? Hot dates involve a good chance of steamy, romantic stuff happening; warm dates don't. So I have warm dates with friends, some of whom I'd rather take on a hot date.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #14  
Old 06-27-2011, 11:14 AM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Smile Second Date

Whew! A few days after a lovely hiking date (initiated by me), Mr. X called me and asked me to join him on another hike and a climb. Iím feeling more at ease. I wondered how he was feeling about me telling him I was in an open marriage and if he was interested. Apparently heís interested.

We went on this climb with a buddy of his. It was an aggressive climb and Mr. X wanted to make sure there were two people there to help me since this would be the first time Iíd done anything like that. I definitely felt like it was a date though and, long story short...I think it was a kind of test to see if he wants to become involved with me.

I got to thinking about this whole open marriage/poly thing (I havenít used the word ďpolyĒ with him yet) from an outsiderís perspective. This has to be kind of weird for him. Iím clearly attracted to him and I think heís attracted to me but heís taking things slow. I wonder what heís thinking....is he unsure of his attraction? Is he hesitant because I am married and he may be unsure as to whether or not a secondary relationship is what heís after? I can only imagine the thoughts that must be going through his head. Rider and I have already gone through the decision-making process of becoming poly and embracing it but Mr. X just kind of got pulled into this.
He has made comments that are encouraging to me. I think heís working on wrapping his brain around this and that heís interested. He hugged me when we parted yesterday. I donít know if he wanted to kiss me or not. Like I said, his buddy was there so a first kiss in that situation would have been awkward.

Rider was great when I came home. He was worried for me that Mr. Xís buddy was going to be there. He thought that was a bad sign. Rider was pleased when I told him how it went and felt like things were progressing. Haha, I still canít get over talking to my husband openly about someone else who Iím attracted to. Iíve even asked him for dating advice. Too weird and awesome at the same time. I really hope Rider finds someone very soon. He deserves to have some fun and I canít wait to be on the flip side, giving advice.

Rider and I leave for almost 2 weeks tomorrow and I have a million things I must get done today but Iíve been awake since 2:30 AM thinking about Mr. X and how much I want to see him one more time before we leave. Itís 5 AM now and Iím waiting for Rider to wake up so I can ask him what he thinks about me calling Mr. X and asking to see him for an hour or so this morning.

Weíve only been out together twice, the first time was as friends and I dropped the open marriage thing on him. Yesterday we had his buddy along so we didnít talk about anything relationship wise. I donít even know if Mr. X told his buddy anything about me. I really want to be with Mr. X again before I go but I also want to offer to answer any questions he may have about this whole thing. Maybe some communication will be a good thing and he can think about what we talked about while Iím away. I just donít want to scare him off.

Heís baby steppiní too and I appreciate that. I am relieved that he hasnít just tried to get me in bed since he knows thatís an option. Iím not interested in being a conquest. I want a friendship with this man. I also want a physical relationship. I want both, but if heís not interested (for whatever reason) in both, I want to have him as a friend. Pushing too hard could ruin that.

I have to say that I am so grateful for the process so far. Rider is amazing and after reading so many stories of people whose spouses haven't been supportive, or who themselves are struggling with their spouses request for a poly marriage, I realize that I am lucky/blessed/whatever. When I brought up non-manogamy to Rider it could have been a really bad thing for him but he really took it well, processed things and we talked through it all. I still expect bumps but we both agree that we can't see ourselves ever going back.
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RunBabyRun
married, heterosexual female currently in a newly opened relationship; married to IDRider47

"Courage is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm" Winston Churchill

"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are made for" William Shedd
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  #15  
Old 07-05-2011, 03:09 PM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Smile Here we go....

6.27.2011
10:35 PM

Here we go.....

I decided to follow my own advice and go for what I want. I wanted to see Mr. X (Iím going to call him E from now on) today; I wanted lay it all out. I wanted to get some relief from the all-consuming thoughts. So, I called him once a reasonable hour of the morning arrived. He agreed to see me.

Itís always awkward for me to start these types of conversations because I like to just lay it all on the table and sort it out later. Itís so undignified and messy, no glossy sound bites or well-scripted phrasing. It works for me though so I did just that with E. I told him that I feel like there is chemistry between us and has been since we first met. I told him that I want more than friendship but that what I want most is the friendship. I told him that I appreciated the fact that itís complicated and I can understand if he just wants to be friends. I emphasized that fact that he was exactly the kind of friend I wanted and that I really want to keep him in my life in whatever way he was comfortable with. I told him I didnít want anything from him, he didnít owe me anything and I wasnít issuing any ultimatums.

Long story short, he seemed really hesitant and I got the impression that he wanted to work on the friendship part for now. We shifted into that mode and were just standing on a bridge talking about biology stuff when he kissed me. I donít know what changed his mind, maybe me taking all the pressure off of him but whatever it was, I was totally surprised. It was really good too.

One of the coolest things was that while we were kissing I was completely free of any guilt or anxiety. I knew Rider would be OK and that he would be supportive (he was).

Hereís the snag..... Eís living arrangement leaves much to be desired and we have almost no privacy. Sleepovers are out of the question. Because we both love to hike and camp and he knows so many great places to go, he suggested that we go out of town together for a few days when I get back. I really want to do that and I think it would be good to have privacy and an opportunity to cement the relationship (not sure how Riderís going to feel about that one though).

And another thing....I had to leave E shortly after only about an hour because I had an appointment and I got on a plane the next day headed for our family vacation. E and I wonít even see each other again for 2 weeks.
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RunBabyRun
married, heterosexual female currently in a newly opened relationship; married to IDRider47

"Courage is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm" Winston Churchill

"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are made for" William Shedd
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  #16  
Old 07-05-2011, 03:11 PM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Default First issues/learning to do this

7.4.2011
Rider was OK when I told him E and I kissed for the first time. He asked if it was exciting to me and I told him it was. He assumed that when we get back from our vacation it wonít take long before E and I sleep together. He requested to be told when that happened (just the 1st time so he can stop thinking about it and anticipating it). I agree that that is fair.

I did tell E that our relationship is separate from mine and Riderís and that he can expect privacy between us with the exception of our rule that if Rider asks me a direct question I will answer honestly. He seemed to find that equitable.

So, Rider and I have been on vacation for a week now and E and I have been apart. Iíve had some emotional ups and downs due to a lack of reliable cell and email communication but Rider has been a good sport and helped me find hotspots so I can check and send e-mail.

The thing is, E was went camping and didnít answer some e-mails for several days. I took it as a bad sign and was really bummed. I asked Joe to stop calling him my boyfriend because I felt like that may have been a leap and that I may have misinterpreted some of Eís statements and what the kissing meant. But within a few days, E answered me back and told me heíd been out of town. His messages were boyfriendish and I was happy again. Now Rider is having a rough time of it. I think my backing off of my expectations and excitement offered him a reprieve from having to think about the impending sex but now he senses that things are getting more serious.

Heís been really great and heís acted in a poly way even though heís feeling mono emotions. BUT today has been rough. He said itís been harder for him because he doesnít have work or anything to occupy his thoughts and displace the thoughts of me having sex with another man.

A few days ago he said that heís not ready for me to go out of town with E. Heís OK with a day trip but not overnight. I get it but that is a real problem for us. Where are we supposed to go? Iíd really like for our first time to not be a quickie in the woods somewhere and hiking into a quiet spot and setting up a tent only to spend several hours in it just for that purpose is weird. Weíll both be sweaty and itís hotter than hot this time of year, no bathroom access, etc.... It sucks not to have a place to go. Camping for a night or two is way better because we can pick a good spot that gives us everything we need (itís not as good as an indoor place but itíd be something weíd both enjoy).

I have two problems, I have a husband who is suffering and I canít seem to help him or comfort him and I have a strong desire to spend at least one night with my new whatever you want to call him. I know E really wants to take me somewhere too so I have that pressure.

Hereís what I think may be the perfect solution. E and I take our RV up to the mountains and have 2 days and 1 night together. Rider and the kids can come up after E leaves and we can all have family time. Iíve gone camping for a few days like that before so it wouldnít raise any red flags with our kids. E and I would have privacy, comfort and facilities. It kind of meets everyone in the middle except that Rider will still be laying awake that night with visions in his head. Ack! I donít know what to do. I want at least one day and one night of uninterrupted time with E AND I want Rider to be OK and not feel excluded or rejected or whatever bad feelings heís feeling. I want to be sensitive to his needs while taking care of mine and Eís. Advise anyone?! (Iím posting this question on the ďNew to PolyamoryĒ board too).

I wish Rider had a good lead on a woman he could pursue. Heís stalled right now and itís bumming him out.
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RunBabyRun
married, heterosexual female currently in a newly opened relationship; married to IDRider47

"Courage is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm" Winston Churchill

"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are made for" William Shedd
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  #17  
Old 07-05-2011, 05:25 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by RunBabyRun View Post
Hereís what I think may be the perfect solution. E and I take our RV up to the mountains and have 2 days and 1 night together. Rider and the kids can come up after E leaves and we can all have family time. Iíve gone camping for a few days like that before so it wouldnít raise any red flags with our kids. E and I would have privacy, comfort and facilities. It kind of meets everyone in the middle except that Rider will still be laying awake that night with visions in his head. Ack! I donít know what to do. I want at least one day and one night of uninterrupted time with E AND I want Rider to be OK and not feel excluded or rejected or whatever bad feelings heís feeling. I want to be sensitive to his needs while taking care of mine and Eís. Advise anyone?! (Iím posting this question on the ďNew to PolyamoryĒ board too).
Is the RV your's and Rider's or E's? If it's your's and Rider's, I suspect Rider might have a problem joining you in the same space/bed where you just had sex with E less than 24 hours before. I realize that you are excited and really want this, but if seems that your pushing a bit.
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  #18  
Old 07-08-2011, 05:25 AM
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Feedhercandy Feedhercandy is offline
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I agree with SNeacail. Wanting something very badly, and it being a good idea are two different things. I know this is not true for everyone, but for all of us - my boyfriend, husband and me - it really helped to take our time and baby step the whole sex process. It cemented my new relationship, while not threatening my old one. Plus, once we did finally do it, I had very little (aka no) anxiety that my boyfriend was with me only for the sexual component / experience. And, finally, because we waited so long, when it did happen it was hot as all hell.
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  #19  
Old 07-14-2011, 05:12 PM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Default Primary Freaking Out Bad!

Here's an update on what's been happening (below). These are copies of posts I put in the "New to Polyamory" section. You can look for it there if you'd like to read the excellent feedback (aka ass kicking) I got there. For any of you new to this or considering this, there are some really great people on this forum who give excellent advice.

It was a very, very dark day for Rider yesterday (see his threads and blog) but we've had a breakthrough. Today has dawned a new day and things are slowing down and back on track.

7.13.2011
1 month and 1 day into open marriage
SOS post

OK, so quick background....my husband, IDRider47 and I opened our marriage a month ago. It was a good, well thought out and talked through decision but the idea was mine. Iíve been thinking about this for months now (see our blog posts if you want more info). I had someone in mind; he didnít have anyone at that point.

So, my relationship with E (my now boyfriend) has progressed to the point where we slept together for the first time a few days ago. Rider is freaking out. Heís had several meltdowns over the past 2 weeks and I have to admit some of them where not helped by my NRE insensitivity. Rider is seriously considering wanting to close the marriage.

I had originally said that if it wasnít working for one of us then we would close it. He had originally said that he didnít think we could unring the bell and that he believed I needed this, where he was content to be mono but poly opened up some interesting opportunities for him.

I love Rider SO much but unfortunately, he was right. I need this. E is not an experiment, he is a real person and I care for him very much. Rider is trying very hard to say and do the ďrightĒ things and be poly minded but he is suffering miserably. Everything in his life sucks right now (except our sex life). He canít sleep, etc...heís going under.

Rider has talked about closing the marriage, finding a way to survive him being mono and me being poly (this option doesnít seem to offer relief to his suffering) or ending the marriage. This frightens me. Why end the marriage? Why canít he believe and accept that I love him and that I want to be married to him? Why does it have to be all or nothing? He asks me why I couldnít have just been content with our very good marriage....he asks why I canít be now.....

We did have a very good marriage. The only thing he wanted was more sex. Our sex life was always good but he wanted more. Now we have sex 1-4 times a day and heís totally sexually fulfilled. So, I ask again.....why canít he accept that I love and want to be with him and bask in the sex? Nothing has changed between us. I still love him just as much. I still want to be married to him just as much AND weíre having the frequency of sex he wants. The only change is that I have E on the side who I can crash around in the mountains with and who I enjoy having sex with. Donít get me wrong, E and I are more than FWB but the point is, E takes nothing from Rider except the occasional times when we will want to do things when I would normally have been with Rider.

Rider cannot be everything I need even if I could be everything he needs. I like to crash around in the woods, sweat and be really active; itís not him. It is E. Why canít he love me enough to let me have that and be confident enough in my love for him that he can freely give me some time with E.
Rider is really struggling and says Iím being insensitive to him by spending time with E. Rider wants me to choose to stay with him instead since heís suffering. I told Rider that I was planning to go hiking with E today while he was at work and then I get a text from Rider saying that heís coming home from work early because he just canít handle all of this. I had already made plans with E. Now I have to be in the position again of denying myself the time I want and need to nurture this very new relationship and have to cancel on E OR go do what I was planning and want to do with E.

Hereís my dilemma- I need this open marriage thing. Is it selfish? What can I do to help Rider? I have recommended FreeTimeís thread to him because FreeTime suffered so much in a similar situation. I feel like itís just going to take time and Rider needs to breathe through it (yep, I know, sounds insensitive I know!). Itís only been 3 weeks since E and I started seeing each other and 2 of those weeks I was out of town. This is SOOOO new.

If every time Rider has a rough day I drop everything to come home or I stay home, he wonít be forced to overcome these hurdles. I want and need to help him but I donít want to prolong the pain. Iím at a loss and I just want the drama to end and for things to be settled.

Please help!!!!!

7.13.2011
Thank you

Thank you all for your comments. One of the things I love about this forum and its members is that no one pulls any punches. I knew Iíd get good comments and that if I was wrong youíd all tell me to pull my head out of my ass....well, I hope you heard the big popping sound....head extracted successfully- thank you all very much!

I had a good talk with E today and then read these comments and talked to Rider when I got home. E is very understanding and sympathetic to Rider and I heard you all loud and clear- slow down!!!

Rider and I are about to write down a few boundaries that apply for a short time while he gets comfortable with this whole thing. Iím sure you all can see that heís an amazing person and Iíd like to say for the record that I am extremely lucky to be married to a man who is willing to work with me through the pain, pain Iíve inflicted upon him.



You are all awesome! Thank you for your criticism, advice, wisdom, and compassion.

NeonKaos, you made us laugh! Weíve been on vacation for the past two weeks so no, we havenít been working or going to school or anything. Itís actually pretty easy to do...morning sex, breakfast, shower, after shower sex, lunch, nap, groggy afternoon sex, dinner, sex. Bang, 4 times! If we averaged about an hour per session that left us plenty of time in the day to fight with family members at our reunion/vacation. See, easy peezy.

Chimera, the trick is lots of lube. I guess itís like anything, you build up a tolerance.

Take care all and thanks for turning a really shitty day in a really productive day and one that even included some humor.
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married, heterosexual female currently in a newly opened relationship; married to IDRider47

"Courage is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm" Winston Churchill

"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are made for" William Shedd
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