Baby Steppin'

[RunBabyRun]

So I went to the grocery store today and it was the first time I had gone since not wearing my wedding ring anymore. There was this very attractive man that made eye contact with me and smiled. I smiled back politely like I always do and as I passed him (we were going opposite directions) it dawned on me...OMG, you could flirt with that guy...I wonder if he was flirting with you....OMG, there are potential friends/relationships everywhere! If that guy chatted you up, you could ask for his number OR you could give him yours if he asked....I am pursuing a person I already know but it was so funny because it just dawned on me that I can do whatever the hell I want!!! This is fun!

Now, I think the next step is to get Rider to do all of our grocery shopping in the future. He might do very well for himself at the local grocery market!

[NeonKaos]

it boggles me how much stock people put in whether or not someone is wearing a wedding ring. we don't have wedding rings, and it is not typically something i notice on other people. but i have noticed on this forum and elsewhere that other people are really hyper-tuned-in to this signal they send out to the world in the form of a little piece of metal on their hands.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by RunBabyRun

Rider was awesome about it. He called it a “date” but I’m not sure about calling it that.

Well, of course it was a date! I have all sorts of dates. Some of them are warm dates and some are hot dates. The difference? Hot dates involve a good chance of steamy, romantic stuff happening; warm dates don't. So I have warm dates with friends, some of whom I'd rather take on a hot date.

[RunBabyRun]

Whew! A few days after a lovely hiking date (initiated by me), Mr. X called me and asked me to join him on another hike and a climb. I’m feeling more at ease. I wondered how he was feeling about me telling him I was in an open marriage and if he was interested. Apparently he’s interested.

We went on this climb with a buddy of his. It was an aggressive climb and Mr. X wanted to make sure there were two people there to help me since this would be the first time I’d done anything like that. I definitely felt like it was a date though and, long story short...I think it was a kind of test to see if he wants to become involved with me.

I got to thinking about this whole open marriage/poly thing (I haven’t used the word “poly” with him yet) from an outsider’s perspective. This has to be kind of weird for him. I’m clearly attracted to him and I think he’s attracted to me but he’s taking things slow. I wonder what he’s thinking....is he unsure of his attraction? Is he hesitant because I am married and he may be unsure as to whether or not a secondary relationship is what he’s after? I can only imagine the thoughts that must be going through his head. Rider and I have already gone through the decision-making process of becoming poly and embracing it but Mr. X just kind of got pulled into this.
He has made comments that are encouraging to me. I think he’s working on wrapping his brain around this and that he’s interested. He hugged me when we parted yesterday. I don’t know if he wanted to kiss me or not. Like I said, his buddy was there so a first kiss in that situation would have been awkward.

Rider was great when I came home. He was worried for me that Mr. X’s buddy was going to be there. He thought that was a bad sign. Rider was pleased when I told him how it went and felt like things were progressing. Haha, I still can’t get over talking to my husband openly about someone else who I’m attracted to. I’ve even asked him for dating advice. Too weird and awesome at the same time. I really hope Rider finds someone very soon. He deserves to have some fun and I can’t wait to be on the flip side, giving advice.

Rider and I leave for almost 2 weeks tomorrow and I have a million things I must get done today but I’ve been awake since 2:30 AM thinking about Mr. X and how much I want to see him one more time before we leave. It’s 5 AM now and I’m waiting for Rider to wake up so I can ask him what he thinks about me calling Mr. X and asking to see him for an hour or so this morning.

We’ve only been out together twice, the first time was as friends and I dropped the open marriage thing on him. Yesterday we had his buddy along so we didn’t talk about anything relationship wise. I don’t even know if Mr. X told his buddy anything about me. I really want to be with Mr. X again before I go but I also want to offer to answer any questions he may have about this whole thing. Maybe some communication will be a good thing and he can think about what we talked about while I’m away. I just don’t want to scare him off.

He’s baby steppin’ too and I appreciate that. I am relieved that he hasn’t just tried to get me in bed since he knows that’s an option. I’m not interested in being a conquest. I want a friendship with this man. I also want a physical relationship. I want both, but if he’s not interested (for whatever reason) in both, I want to have him as a friend. Pushing too hard could ruin that.

I have to say that I am so grateful for the process so far. Rider is amazing and after reading so many stories of people whose spouses haven't been supportive, or who themselves are struggling with their spouses request for a poly marriage, I realize that I am lucky/blessed/whatever. When I brought up non-manogamy to Rider it could have been a really bad thing for him but he really took it well, processed things and we talked through it all. I still expect bumps but we both agree that we can't see ourselves ever going back.

[RunBabyRun]

6.27.2011
10:35 PM

Here we go.....

I decided to follow my own advice and go for what I want. I wanted to see Mr. X (I’m going to call him E from now on) today; I wanted lay it all out. I wanted to get some relief from the all-consuming thoughts. So, I called him once a reasonable hour of the morning arrived. He agreed to see me.

It’s always awkward for me to start these types of conversations because I like to just lay it all on the table and sort it out later. It’s so undignified and messy, no glossy sound bites or well-scripted phrasing. It works for me though so I did just that with E. I told him that I feel like there is chemistry between us and has been since we first met. I told him that I want more than friendship but that what I want most is the friendship. I told him that I appreciated the fact that it’s complicated and I can understand if he just wants to be friends. I emphasized that fact that he was exactly the kind of friend I wanted and that I really want to keep him in my life in whatever way he was comfortable with. I told him I didn’t want anything from him, he didn’t owe me anything and I wasn’t issuing any ultimatums.

Long story short, he seemed really hesitant and I got the impression that he wanted to work on the friendship part for now. We shifted into that mode and were just standing on a bridge talking about biology stuff when he kissed me. I don’t know what changed his mind, maybe me taking all the pressure off of him but whatever it was, I was totally surprised. It was really good too.

One of the coolest things was that while we were kissing I was completely free of any guilt or anxiety. I knew Rider would be OK and that he would be supportive (he was).

Here’s the snag..... E’s living arrangement leaves much to be desired and we have almost no privacy. Sleepovers are out of the question. Because we both love to hike and camp and he knows so many great places to go, he suggested that we go out of town together for a few days when I get back. I really want to do that and I think it would be good to have privacy and an opportunity to cement the relationship (not sure how Rider’s going to feel about that one though).

And another thing....I had to leave E shortly after only about an hour because I had an appointment and I got on a plane the next day headed for our family vacation. E and I won’t even see each other again for 2 weeks.

[RunBabyRun]

7.4.2011
Rider was OK when I told him E and I kissed for the first time. He asked if it was exciting to me and I told him it was. He assumed that when we get back from our vacation it won’t take long before E and I sleep together. He requested to be told when that happened (just the 1st time so he can stop thinking about it and anticipating it). I agree that that is fair.

I did tell E that our relationship is separate from mine and Rider’s and that he can expect privacy between us with the exception of our rule that if Rider asks me a direct question I will answer honestly. He seemed to find that equitable.

So, Rider and I have been on vacation for a week now and E and I have been apart. I’ve had some emotional ups and downs due to a lack of reliable cell and email communication but Rider has been a good sport and helped me find hotspots so I can check and send e-mail.

The thing is, E was went camping and didn’t answer some e-mails for several days. I took it as a bad sign and was really bummed. I asked Joe to stop calling him my boyfriend because I felt like that may have been a leap and that I may have misinterpreted some of E’s statements and what the kissing meant. But within a few days, E answered me back and told me he’d been out of town. His messages were boyfriendish and I was happy again. Now Rider is having a rough time of it. I think my backing off of my expectations and excitement offered him a reprieve from having to think about the impending sex but now he senses that things are getting more serious.

He’s been really great and he’s acted in a poly way even though he’s feeling mono emotions. BUT today has been rough. He said it’s been harder for him because he doesn’t have work or anything to occupy his thoughts and displace the thoughts of me having sex with another man.

A few days ago he said that he’s not ready for me to go out of town with E. He’s OK with a day trip but not overnight. I get it but that is a real problem for us. Where are we supposed to go? I’d really like for our first time to not be a quickie in the woods somewhere and hiking into a quiet spot and setting up a tent only to spend several hours in it just for that purpose is weird. We’ll both be sweaty and it’s hotter than hot this time of year, no bathroom access, etc.... It sucks not to have a place to go. Camping for a night or two is way better because we can pick a good spot that gives us everything we need (it’s not as good as an indoor place but it’d be something we’d both enjoy).

I have two problems, I have a husband who is suffering and I can’t seem to help him or comfort him and I have a strong desire to spend at least one night with my new whatever you want to call him. I know E really wants to take me somewhere too so I have that pressure.

Here’s what I think may be the perfect solution. E and I take our RV up to the mountains and have 2 days and 1 night together. Rider and the kids can come up after E leaves and we can all have family time. I’ve gone camping for a few days like that before so it wouldn’t raise any red flags with our kids. E and I would have privacy, comfort and facilities. It kind of meets everyone in the middle except that Rider will still be laying awake that night with visions in his head. Ack! I don’t know what to do. I want at least one day and one night of uninterrupted time with E AND I want Rider to be OK and not feel excluded or rejected or whatever bad feelings he’s feeling. I want to be sensitive to his needs while taking care of mine and E’s. Advise anyone?! (I’m posting this question on the “New to Polyamory” board too).

I wish Rider had a good lead on a woman he could pursue. He’s stalled right now and it’s bumming him out.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by RunBabyRun

Here’s what I think may be the perfect solution. E and I take our RV up to the mountains and have 2 days and 1 night together. Rider and the kids can come up after E leaves and we can all have family time. I’ve gone camping for a few days like that before so it wouldn’t raise any red flags with our kids. E and I would have privacy, comfort and facilities. It kind of meets everyone in the middle except that Rider will still be laying awake that night with visions in his head. Ack! I don’t know what to do. I want at least one day and one night of uninterrupted time with E AND I want Rider to be OK and not feel excluded or rejected or whatever bad feelings he’s feeling. I want to be sensitive to his needs while taking care of mine and E’s. Advise anyone?! (I’m posting this question on the “New to Polyamory” board too).

Is the RV your's and Rider's or E's? If it's your's and Rider's, I suspect Rider might have a problem joining you in the same space/bed where you just had sex with E less than 24 hours before. I realize that you are excited and really want this, but if seems that your pushing a bit.

[Feedhercandy]

I agree with SNeacail. Wanting something very badly, and it being a good idea are two different things. I know this is not true for everyone, but for all of us - my boyfriend, husband and me - it really helped to take our time and baby step the whole sex process. It cemented my new relationship, while not threatening my old one. Plus, once we did finally do it, I had very little (aka no) anxiety that my boyfriend was with me only for the sexual component / experience. And, finally, because we waited so long, when it did happen it was hot as all hell.

[RunBabyRun]

Here's an update on what's been happening (below). These are copies of posts I put in the "New to Polyamory" section. You can look for it there if you'd like to read the excellent feedback (aka ass kicking) I got there. For any of you new to this or considering this, there are some really great people on this forum who give excellent advice.

It was a very, very dark day for Rider yesterday (see his threads and blog) but we've had a breakthrough. Today has dawned a new day and things are slowing down and back on track.

7.13.2011
1 month and 1 day into open marriage
SOS post

OK, so quick background....my husband, IDRider47 and I opened our marriage a month ago. It was a good, well thought out and talked through decision but the idea was mine. I’ve been thinking about this for months now (see our blog posts if you want more info). I had someone in mind; he didn’t have anyone at that point.

So, my relationship with E (my now boyfriend) has progressed to the point where we slept together for the first time a few days ago. Rider is freaking out. He’s had several meltdowns over the past 2 weeks and I have to admit some of them where not helped by my NRE insensitivity. Rider is seriously considering wanting to close the marriage.

I had originally said that if it wasn’t working for one of us then we would close it. He had originally said that he didn’t think we could unring the bell and that he believed I needed this, where he was content to be mono but poly opened up some interesting opportunities for him.

I love Rider SO much but unfortunately, he was right. I need this. E is not an experiment, he is a real person and I care for him very much. Rider is trying very hard to say and do the “right” things and be poly minded but he is suffering miserably. Everything in his life sucks right now (except our sex life). He can’t sleep, etc...he’s going under.

Rider has talked about closing the marriage, finding a way to survive him being mono and me being poly (this option doesn’t seem to offer relief to his suffering) or ending the marriage. This frightens me. Why end the marriage? Why can’t he believe and accept that I love him and that I want to be married to him? Why does it have to be all or nothing? He asks me why I couldn’t have just been content with our very good marriage....he asks why I can’t be now.....

We did have a very good marriage. The only thing he wanted was more sex. Our sex life was always good but he wanted more. Now we have sex 1-4 times a day and he’s totally sexually fulfilled. So, I ask again.....why can’t he accept that I love and want to be with him and bask in the sex? Nothing has changed between us. I still love him just as much. I still want to be married to him just as much AND we’re having the frequency of sex he wants. The only change is that I have E on the side who I can crash around in the mountains with and who I enjoy having sex with. Don’t get me wrong, E and I are more than FWB but the point is, E takes nothing from Rider except the occasional times when we will want to do things when I would normally have been with Rider.

Rider cannot be everything I need even if I could be everything he needs. I like to crash around in the woods, sweat and be really active; it’s not him. It is E. Why can’t he love me enough to let me have that and be confident enough in my love for him that he can freely give me some time with E.
Rider is really struggling and says I’m being insensitive to him by spending time with E. Rider wants me to choose to stay with him instead since he’s suffering. I told Rider that I was planning to go hiking with E today while he was at work and then I get a text from Rider saying that he’s coming home from work early because he just can’t handle all of this. I had already made plans with E. Now I have to be in the position again of denying myself the time I want and need to nurture this very new relationship and have to cancel on E OR go do what I was planning and want to do with E.

Here’s my dilemma- I need this open marriage thing. Is it selfish? What can I do to help Rider? I have recommended FreeTime’s thread to him because FreeTime suffered so much in a similar situation. I feel like it’s just going to take time and Rider needs to breathe through it (yep, I know, sounds insensitive I know!). It’s only been 3 weeks since E and I started seeing each other and 2 of those weeks I was out of town. This is SOOOO new.

If every time Rider has a rough day I drop everything to come home or I stay home, he won’t be forced to overcome these hurdles. I want and need to help him but I don’t want to prolong the pain. I’m at a loss and I just want the drama to end and for things to be settled.

Please help!!!!!

7.13.2011
Thank you

Thank you all for your comments. One of the things I love about this forum and its members is that no one pulls any punches. I knew I’d get good comments and that if I was wrong you’d all tell me to pull my head out of my ass....well, I hope you heard the big popping sound....head extracted successfully- thank you all very much!

I had a good talk with E today and then read these comments and talked to Rider when I got home. E is very understanding and sympathetic to Rider and I heard you all loud and clear- slow down!!!

Rider and I are about to write down a few boundaries that apply for a short time while he gets comfortable with this whole thing. I’m sure you all can see that he’s an amazing person and I’d like to say for the record that I am extremely lucky to be married to a man who is willing to work with me through the pain, pain I’ve inflicted upon him.



You are all awesome! Thank you for your criticism, advice, wisdom, and compassion.

NeonKaos, you made us laugh! We’ve been on vacation for the past two weeks so no, we haven’t been working or going to school or anything. It’s actually pretty easy to do...morning sex, breakfast, shower, after shower sex, lunch, nap, groggy afternoon sex, dinner, sex. Bang, 4 times! If we averaged about an hour per session that left us plenty of time in the day to fight with family members at our reunion/vacation. See, easy peezy.

Chimera, the trick is lots of lube. I guess it’s like anything, you build up a tolerance.

Take care all and thanks for turning a really shitty day in a really productive day and one that even included some humor.