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  #31  
Old 07-14-2011, 02:50 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Thanks Neon. I would love for her to post her side of the story here, but she is very private and would probably be completely pissed at me if she saw what I was posting. To your point, she is not a bad person. I would not be married for so long to a bad person. I think she is lost and struggling with her mid-life identify crisis. And I understand that and appreciate it. I really do. I just wish she had the ability to better deal with crisis. Maybe it is because after all these years I am the only one she had to dump on when things get rough. And I am an exceptionally easy target since I am not home enough and they are in fact my children that are driving her nuts.

I am just in so much emotional pain. More than ever in my life. And I am a very fair and honest person and this just doesn't seem fair. I know liife isnt always fair - but that doesnt make it any easier to accept that I am not good enough for her and that she needs time to 'figure out her happiness'. I don't get that opportunity! I have to go to work, make the money, and support the family. Period. I don't have the luxury of asking the world to stop while i figure out my happiness. But you know what? As this thing eventually comes to an end, whatever end that may be, I will be changing my perspective on my happiness and will be more selfish about what I want in the future.

Regarding the 'allow' word,.I agree I am allowing her to do this. Some may say that is too possessive a word. But she made a committment to me and it didn't include loving someone else. And when I started to make a connection with someone else she 'disallowed' it. So, yes, I am allowing this for the time being until the dust settles and we make our final decision.

I am convinced the decision will be to divorce. She is far to unhappy with the life I have given her. I am hopeful she comes to that conclusion sooner than later so that we can get though the pain as quickly as possible and I can start the rest of my life.

Thanks for you posting. Very much appreciated.
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  #32  
Old 07-14-2011, 03:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Ya, i think it's premature to give up yet. I wish there was something you could do to make her come around though.

I use the word "allow" to refer to my relationship(s) too; it's not about possession, it's about what someone is or is not willing to have in their life. Such as when you allow someone into your home.
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  #33  
Old 07-14-2011, 03:10 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertCourage View Post
Thanks Neon. I would love for her to post her side of the story here, but she is very private and would probably be completely pissed at me if she saw what I was posting.
Too bad!

Quote:
To your point, she is not a bad person. I would not be married for so long to a bad person. I think she is lost and struggling with her mid-life identify crisis. And I understand that and appreciate it. I really do. I just wish she had the ability to better deal with crisis. Maybe it is because after all these years I am the only one she had to dump on when things get rough. And I am an exceptionally easy target since I am not home enough and they are in fact my children that are driving her nuts.
Your (plural) children. Do you get babysitters and get out for dates much? It helps.

Quote:
I am just in so much emotional pain. More than ever in my life.
I understand completely. My first foray into poly was equally painful.

Quote:
And I am a very fair and honest person and this just doesn't seem fair. I know liife isnt always fair - but that doesnt make it any easier to accept that I am not good enough for her and that she needs time to 'figure out her happiness'. I don't get that opportunity! I have to go to work, make the money, and support the family. Period. I don't have the luxury of asking the world to stop while i figure out my happiness.
I'm sorry Robert, but that is a lame excuse. An unexamined life isn't worth living.

My ex used to hand me that bs. We broke up, he got laid off and had a good year and a half to break down and start to rebuild. But not until circumstances forced it. There's no time like the present. It's all we've got.

Quote:
But you know what? As this thing eventually comes to an end, whatever end that may be, I will be changing my perspective on my happiness and will be more selfish about what I want in the future...

I am convinced the decision will be to divorce. She is far too unhappy with the life I have given her.
That's sexist. You built your lives together, she made choices and so did you.
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  #34  
Old 07-14-2011, 03:20 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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wow. thats the first time i have ever been called sexist! I don't get where that came from. The rest I do understand and I thank you for sharing.
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  #35  
Old 07-14-2011, 03:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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"the life I have given her. "
Seems self-important and kind of victimy. "I work 24/7 providing for her. I am A Man. I make big bucks. I do not have the luxury of time to look at my shit like my kept woman does with her trainer and her fancy car."

Just a little tough love, Robert. As I said, my ex, also of your generation or nearabouts, had the same attitude.
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miss pixi, 37
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  #36  
Old 07-14-2011, 04:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I dont think you meant it in a sexist way but it is a curious choice of words for a marriage which is supposed to be a partnership, not one person making the life and giving it to the other. Although it does seem that you two have taken each other for granted up to now and possibly still do.
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  #37  
Old 07-14-2011, 04:59 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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With all due respect I am not buying it mag. Bottom line is we had an arrangement. I work, she watches kids. When I get home I help with kids. That was the deal. On any given day her job (the kids) may suck. And same for me. And as a team we support each othe through those bad days. No where in that deal did it say that when things get hard we take it out on the other person, blame them for everything wrong in the relationship, and ultimately pull away. This is the second time I have had to hear that she is in love with someone else. The first time she realized after the fact that she was not in love she was just infatuated. I stood by her that time (because there were a lot of issues with the other guy and the other guys wife). And i defendsd her and protected her and even helped her with her lawyer because there were legal issues incolved So I apologize for seeming victimy. But how many times do I have to be the one taking all the heat? Its getting old. So call me whiny. Call me a victim. But I keep bending over and being asked to break. And I have been loyal the whole time and stuck to my end of the deal.
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  #38  
Old 07-14-2011, 05:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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RC, please take some time to breathe deeply and sit with your feelings. What I have found is usually the case in man-woman relationships is this: although women are always considered to be very emotional and all about their feelings, we tend to think a lot. A lot, a lot. And what happens is we often verbalize what we're thinking as a way to work it all out. We're very mentally involved and speaking about what's in our heads is a way for us to look at it, wrestle with it, feel like we're not alone, and come to terms with whatever we're dealing with. Now, as someone mentioned earlier, men have a tendency to see themselves as rescuers or "Mr. Fixits" and they often assume that when women start talking about what's going on with them, that some remedy must immediately be found.

I am writing this to tell you: NO-O-O-O-O!!! Nothing could be further from the truth. Oh, how many times I had to tell my ex to stop giving me feedback and just listen. I think, probably because men are usually such do-ers, women just want them to stop and hear them. Just hear them, know what they are struggling with, and find some empathy. And eventually discuss. But jumping to conclusions and thinking some rash action needs to mitigate disaster from the ramblings going on in a woman's head isn't exactly practical. It's reactionary and won't do anyone any good. Don't assume that because on one day she expresses certain reservations, discomforts, irritations, or annoyances with how the relationship is, that it's a death knell for your marriage. Everyone hits bumps in the road, nothing can be hunky-dory all the time, relationships and marriages are imperfect.

Now, it may be that she is not handling her NRE well, and if poly is to work guidelines must be established and adhered to, but I don't believe that taking a divorce as the next step will really help anything. All it will do is mean that you won't have to listen to her anymore, and you will pay lawyers lots and lots of money for that. I think finding a counselor and going together is the best step. It sounds like communication is an issue between you, she is coming out with all this stuff and perhaps not expressing herself in the most caring way, and when you feel shut down by her, you back away without fighting hard enough for your side. A third party could help. Please try that route before seriously considering separation or divorce. I tell you this as someone in the midst of divorce right now -- it takes an extremely heavy toll on a couple, and I don't even have kids, which would exacerbate the devastation.
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  #39  
Old 07-14-2011, 06:59 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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As much as I hate to say it, I have just written my plan for separation which I plan to share with her whenever she decides to come home from playing with T. I cannot sit around and wait for her to figure out if I can make her happy. Her own counselor said it is up to her to define her happiness. So she is spending the entire day with T instead of me searching for happiness while I sit here wondering. I can't wonder every day if I am on the good or the bad side of her happiness meter. It is killing me. So I am going to lay down new rules that say:
1. The objective is to take a few months to let her figure out what she wants to do to be happy without me constantly in the way.
2. I will still live home. The kids will know nothing. But we are not operating as a couple any longer. This means she does not have to answer to me nor I to her.
3. We will not have sex. She can do what she wants and I will do what I want.
4. Again, the kids will know nothing,
5. We will assess progress at some point and determine if we extend the separation, eliminate the separation or just divorce.

Thanks again to all who have tried to help. I just dont think I can live this way. It hurts too much, its affecting my health, and its affecting the ability for me to focus on my job.
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  #40  
Old 07-14-2011, 06:59 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Hello again, RC.

First off, *hug*.

Right now sucks. I've been in some suck situations that were similar as well--both in poly relationships and mono ones. Relationships can suck like that. They also can get better, or they can end. With kids involved, your relationship will never really end so much as change. Whatever your outcome, I hope everyone finds more happiness in the future.

As for the wife, even if she doesn't post her own story here, she might derive benefit from reading posts here. Some of what she sees in your posts may show her just how you feel and how you're trying to be a good man. She may see some things on dealing with poly life in general and NRE in particular that help her adapt. She doesn't need to post in order to benefit. As for her concern at you posting, you've shared no personal details that would identify you or her, so you're basically [mono guy Y] and [poly wife X] with [V partner T]. Even so, it's pretty clear that this group wants you all to be happier and healthier, so having a bunch of folks that want to help her help make things better isn't a bad thing.

That said, how do we deal with the present?

Everyone right now is likely in a heightened emotional state. Everything will be at extremes. You hurt more, you annoy her more, she annoys you more, T seems nicer, and T seems scarier. For those of us that have been there, these are true things--you're not alone in what you're feeling.

Probably the most important thing I can say is for you to focus on reducing your emotional level. You're an executive, so you know how to make tough calls. You work super hard, so hard work isn't too much for you. Right now you're faced with a bunch of conflicting data, and you want to make a call and start to move forward, but you'll be okay if you let this call simmer for a while. No jokes. You can work on the relationship or pull the plug in two weeks just as much as right now. But you want to be in a better place when you do. Your username is RobertCourage, dude. It takes a lot of courage to handle what you have in front of you, and I don't think you picked that name on accident. Sometimes courage means standing there and facing a fear without flinching while the rest of the troops muster up.

In the meantime, what does RC really love to do? Part of reducing your heightened emotions and stress is finding things that you really enjoy. The weekend is almost here. What can you do this weekend that would be fun? Forget about the emotions, forget about the talking and the worry, forget about everything but having a god time. Strung out RC isn't going to be as good a dad as chill and happy RC.

Will you have a chance to do something with the kids? They're at the age where a day at the water park or similar might be a neat way for you to bond with them, get some sun, and decompress. Whether the wife comes along or not is not nearly as important as RC getting some RC time. If that means you send the wife and kids off the see Harry Potter (part #zillion) while you wear boxers around the house and sing show tunes, go for it. (But please wrap up the boxers and show tunes before the kids get home--no need to scar them forever. )

You're super focused on the family and the wife and the kids. What if you took care of just yourself and let everything else wait until you're in better shape? It's laudible that you're worried about everything, but sometimes worrying about everything undermines our operational effectiveness.

*hug*
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