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  #21  
Old 07-14-2011, 12:18 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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*hugs* Good luck with counseling and growing with your wife in whatever directions that takes you both. Sounds like you're both burnt out with jobs and kids.

There is a lot of talk about "hate" in your posts. She hates you for your job. You hate your job. She'll hate you if you tell her to break it off with T.

Perhaps you could find a job that leaves you closer to home... Be around to spend more time with the family, more time connecting with your wife.

No marriage is perfect. No couple is entirely stable, including primary poly couples. Her falling for T is clearly showing you there is something missing for her in her life that she'd probably rather you'd provide.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
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  #22  
Old 07-14-2011, 12:40 AM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Thanks for the reposnse. I have been looking for local employment but it has been challenging. I am an executive and my family is used to living on an executive's salary. So the number of open positions for me in the local area is limited. Nonetheless, I am trying.

So as she is miserable in her life taking care of the kids, she is driving the luxury SUV she wanted, going to her personal trainer 3x a week, getting all the possessions she ever wants, getting her nails done, etc. So yes, her scheudkle is nuts. I get it. And i thank her for taking care of it all the time. And when I get home, I take over. I cook, shop, clean, do laundry, drive kids everywhere. And thats typically Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Again, I get that its hard for her. I am not underestimating the effort and and annoyance of taking care of the kids. But we all have hard shit to do. ANd running from the one person who is willing to help in any way possible isnt the answer.

Thats what really bugs me about the NRE. Its easy to have a new relationship with someone when you dont have real life to worry about. Lets see, she can drive to his apartment that he shares (single guy), talk about all the fun things, feel real good, make love and go home. And there I am with all the kids, all the bills, all the health issues with our parents, all the things that happen in real life. I wish I was in a fairy tale with a hot woman so we can talk about movies, music, love, and the pursuit of happiness too. But thats just not real.
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  #23  
Old 07-14-2011, 08:09 AM
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I don't know if I agree with you that Poly cannot work where one relationship is "fucked up". But I can feel the pain in your latest posts. I read your post a few days ago when you were feeling really good and I was tempted to post a cautionary one but I thought who was I to bring you down.

The reason I say that about a poly relationship not being impossible when the relationship is troubled is because I was in a very similar situation to your wife. My marriage did end because my husband couldn't handle me loving someone else but looking back I wonder if it could have worked. Not long term. Her relationship with him won't last, I can practically guarantee that, but as an interim thing to help you through.

I know this sounds very strange and you can call it bs and ignore it if you like but I'm going to share it with you anyway. I had got to the point where I could no longer feel love for or from my husband. Too much crap had gone down between us. Our relationship was like a clogged up, polluted creek. The love I received from my bf, or kindness, attraction - whatever it was - fed me emotionally so that I had something to give back to my husband again. It got our emotions running again somehow and began to show me what a healthy relationship looked like.

You would have to work at it really carefully and she would have to be willing to try but it could save your marriage. Marriages, especially where children are involved are worth the work I think. I'll tell you more if you're interested.

i also wouldn't be at all surprised if your wife agrees to give up her bf. Your financial responsibilities would make it very difficult for her to go solo and you probably know that. When push came to shove I did jump the marriage ship but my youngest was 17. It was still very hard.

My thoughts are with your whatever you decide to do.
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  #24  
Old 07-14-2011, 11:03 AM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Thanks for your insights sAge. I am numb today. Just can't take it anymore. I am pulling way back and stopping my fight to keep her. I don't think it's going to work out for us and I think I will end up with a divorce. Not just because of T but because of the polluted creek you refer to. I don't think my wife has the capacity to be happy with me ever again. The baggage is too heavy. What i don't know is what happens between now and the moment we decide to separate. Do I live in pain every day all alone wondering? I have kids to care for and I thank god for that. Because if it wasn't for them I would probably just give up on everything. I have been trying too hard for too long to make things right and good. And it's worn me down to nothing. When I am not in pain or pissed off i am starting to feel numb.
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  #25  
Old 07-14-2011, 11:14 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Your OP:

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertCourage View Post
...he is a nice guy and he makes her very happy. She insists she is totally in love with me and that she wants us to stay together forever... I believe her when she says everything is good with us... I fundamentally want this to work. She is happier than ever. He is a good guy. Our threesomes are fantastic..
Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertCourage View Post
...I am numb today. Just can't take it anymore. I am pulling way back and stopping my fight to keep her. I don't think it's going to work out for us and I think I will end up with a divorce....I have been trying too hard for too long to make things right and good. And it's worn me down to nothing.
Note your mood swing from just 3 days ago to today. This is what we call the poly rollercoaster. All is not black or white. Of course we don't know the depth of problems you and your wife face, outside of polyamory, but I hope that with counseling and maybe a shift in your perspective around jobs that take you away from home, and her enjoyment of a materialistic lifestyle, you two can still make it.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #26  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:13 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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My acceptance of this was based on her ability to provide equal love to both of us. Today she is spending the day with him. She complains I am never home. Then I come home and she wantsnto be with him. She is not showing me she's willing to make sacrifices to make this work. And she it's killing me butnshe is choosing to do what she wants without any consideration of my feelings. I am 100 percent convinced that my marriage is over. I am struggling to define what my new life looks like. I don't want a relationship with anyone. I don't want to hate my wife but I do have feelings of resentment. I need to be with my kids. I am fucking scared of what's to come but I will face it and deal with it like an adult.
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  #27  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:19 PM
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It will be a hard road whichever option you take but I do agree with Magdlyn that there is often a rollercoaster ride at the beginning of something like this. It is helpful for you to remember the love that you were feeling just a few days ago.

I'm not perhaps the right person to advise on getting through. I didn't do a good job of it. I went into self-preservation mode and if I could do it all again I would do things very differently. All I can suggest is that you try very hard to love yourself and your children. Be as kind and loving to your wife as you can and find another outlet for all your pain. You may need some anti-depressants to get through.

The pattern you and your wife have is not pleasant. You both have done what you think will make everyone happy and you end up making yourselves miserable. If you act too quickly you run the risk of forcing each other's hand. My husband thought I would take him back if he made things as difficult financially for me as possible. That just strengthened my belief that he was a controlling bastard and I moved in with someone else. If instead of doing that he'd told me how much he still loved me (he admitted this later) and had just given me some space we might still be together.
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  #28  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:51 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Sage I am so trying to do all the right things. She asks for space and I give it to her but then she says I am being cold. All i did was tell her last night that i would be downstairs with the kids instead of laying in bed with her watching tv. Didnt want her to think I was avoiding her, just trying to give her that space. But she interpreted that as being cold. I can't win. today she said she wants to spend the day with T and said she hopes that I am ok with that. In the spirit of honesty I told her that i understand she wants to go, i won't stop her from going, but that it hurts me a lot to just let her walk out the door knowing where she is going. And she says that makes her feel like I am smothering her. Shit,i can't have feelings too?

I am on Xanax now to calm down. I am seeing a counselor today. Her conselor told her the threesome thing is fine, but the issue really lies in her finding herntrue happiness. I agree, but not sure I am prepared tonsit back and let her push me away and run to T while she searches for it. And I am an even bigger idiot because I had a good relationship going with a woman (not pihysical) who was helping me and mynwfe gotmsonmad when she saw ll
The texting we were doing. So I broke off that communication because igniter my wife ! See, people can make hard decisions based on other peoples feelings. So now i have all of you to talk to and my new counselor and that's it. You are all amazing, but a friend would be so good right now. Qqq
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  #29  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:52 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Ps.sorry for typos. Not good on iPhone keyboard.
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  #30  
Old 07-14-2011, 02:32 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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RC, from the way you come across in your posts, you seem like a very good man and if you were my husband i'd be treating you extra special to let you know i appreciate you "allowing" me to have additional relationships. I say "allow" like that because we all allow whatever happens in our relationships or we get out of them. However it would be great to hear your wife's side of the story because she doesnt sound like a terrible person either and maybe she's just being stupid at this because it's her first time?

PS i'm on an ipod keyboard too
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