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  #11  
Old 10-17-2009, 01:57 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Yeah, looking back at it, her behavior kind of sucked. In the end, she felt that I could just be disposed of without concern or accountability because her feelings had changed. At least she had to have some accountability with me as I don't see the need to put up with being shat upon in such a way. I won't just pretend to be friends with those kinds of undercurrents. The boy has been showing me some compassion and concern and genuinely wishes to maintain a friendship. I've been very clear about how I feel about how his wife treated me, but I won't make any friendship with him about putting him in the middle of whatever hard feelings exist between her and me.

I feel strongly that if you bring someone into your life and form an attachment, that now makes you accountable to them even when you decide to break things off. That goes for any kind of meaningful relationship. People are not disposable.

I will say that most unicorn hunting couples don't approach it with a sense of accountability like that.

Last edited by Ceoli; 10-17-2009 at 02:11 PM.
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  #12  
Old 10-17-2009, 07:22 PM
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greenearthal greenearthal is offline
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You are totally quality. I admire the way you move through this world.
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  #13  
Old 10-17-2009, 07:23 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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You deserve so much more respect and consideration than she has given you.

I am truly sorry the situation didn't turn out as you had hoped it would.

But the good news is that now there's room on your dance card for the people who will really love you and treat you with the respect, tenderness and high regard you so richly deserve.

Another thing: I really admire the honest and straightforward way you've handled yourself throughout this whole situation and relationship. The level of respect, compassion, strength and honesty you've demonstrated sets a high standard for us as a community to reach for. Thank you for showing the rest of us how it's done.
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  #14  
Old 10-18-2009, 02:54 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Alex: <blush!> <3

And thanks Fidelia
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  #15  
Old 10-18-2009, 06:03 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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When she was lolling around in bed whining and carrying on about not doing well and you gave her time and space and talked with the husband, I wish this could of been gotten to the bottom of.

I remember writing about that and saying that I would go in and ask her what is going on, call a meeting between all three of you and get it all out.... I don't know what happened in the end but I seem to remember that my suggestion was cringed upon. I'm glad that you are getting to the bottom of what was going on. I have never been a third in a triad, in a "V" yes. I found that when I asserted my place and feelings of being left out and wanting more support and equality I was basically told that I was not worth the depth and effort... just a casual thing that meant no investment... of course not in so many words. You are worth so much more than that, which is what seems to have happened to you also....

next time, PLEASE Ceoli.... make sure that you are equal by getting in their faces and getting the respect you need and deserve by pushing them to give it to you. Otherwise you may just waste your time and heart again, like this couple caused you to do.

I hope this is not damaging your self esteem and confidence as you have so much to offer and deserve everything you dream of.
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  #16  
Old 10-18-2009, 06:22 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Thanks for that RP, and no, it's definitely not damaging my self-esteem. This wasn't about me, but about her inability to be honest. And yeah, I did go into her room that time she was cringing and I asked her to talk about it, I asked her to tell me what was going on and what she wanted. She shrank away at that and shut down. But you're right, RP. In hindsight, I should have pulled back clearly from both of them and laid down my terms then. As it happens, I didn't until after she broke it off. (in this case, I honestly think it wouldn't have made a difference in the outcome, but yeah..for myself, it meant that I was compromising too much and not holding to my normal standard of communication and honesty)

Even after she told me she wanted to return to monogamy, I asked her again what she wanted as I did not want to be in a place where I was not wanted. That's where all the fuzzy non-committal friend stuff was coming in. I made a decision (a decision, as you point out, that should have been made sooner) that I wasn't going to settle for anything less than honesty...which in effect destroyed the friendship, but for all the right reasons.

I'm just taking the lessons learned. I know that a closed triad is not for me..not just because of this bad experience but because of other stuff that just didn't suit me throughout the relationship. I know that I could have avoided a lot of unnecessary pain if I had just pressed for honesty sooner and not just allowed her continued denial of feelings. I know that I am worth far more than the way she treated me and have just that much more strength to stand behind my worth now from that experience. It was good practice for standing up for myself and for not taking on the problems that weren't mine. I'm going to keep reminding myself of what you say, RP.
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  #17  
Old 10-18-2009, 06:37 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You sound so strong! Awesome I'm so happy that you feel strong out of this.

Thanks for sharing your hard learned lessons... I know that others will benefit from them. I benefit from them, they are a good reminder to stick to our truth and to stay honest always, even if the work of doing that is hard in the moment.
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  #18  
Old 10-24-2009, 02:28 AM
dingding dingding is offline
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I am happy that honest could bring solutions for you ,in my relationship the case is different,honest jeopardize 2 years relationship.wish this all heavy ended soon
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