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Old 07-12-2011, 03:56 AM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Question New, want it to work, but struggling at times

Hi forum! I have been married to my wife for 19 years and we have kids ranging from 8 to 14. A few months ago we started a threesome with a nice guy (no male to male contact). Things were going great and mynwife asked if she could also see him independently while I was at work. I travel a lot and she gets lonely. We agreed that this would be ok and now she has fallen in love. Surprise surprise. Anyways, he is a nice guy and he makes her very happy. She insists she is totally in love with me and that she wants us to stay together forever. But she also insists that she can't break it off with him. I believe her when she says everything is good with us. But now that the game has changed and it's emotional and love, I am struggling a little. I fundamentally want this to work. She is happier than ever. He is a good guy. Our threesomes are fantastic. So I am looking for advice about how to manage my worries about losing her and being jealous occasionally. Looking forward to communicating with people who have been through this. Thanks in advance for advice!
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Old 07-12-2011, 04:41 AM
MileHighQuad MileHighQuad is offline
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Red face Green Eyed Monster

Welcome. Sorry you're struggling right now. The green eyed monster rears his ugly head in our quad occasionally as well. We, (my husband and I, and the other married couple that completes our quad) see a therapist to help us keep the integrity of our primary marriages intact, and she has helped us tame the beast on more than one occasion. My girlfriend and I have very little jealousy between us, while the fellas have struggled with it the whole year and a half we've been together. The therapist believes this is partly because she and I are best friends and have an underlying friendship and trust. She has recommended that the guys work to strengthen the bond between themselves so that trust and friendship can maybe squeeze out the jealousy. They are both heterosexual and not wanting to develop any physical relationship, so we're just talking about strengthening the friendship bond that they already share. I have also noticed that just telling the others that they are having feelings of jealousy seems to take some of the wind out of its sails. Hope this helps a bit.
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Old 07-12-2011, 05:07 AM
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There are many posts on "jealousy" "envy" if you do a tag search or a search. Have a look, perhaps it will help.

Take your time and ask her to go at your pace. The rush at the beginning of something new and wonderful is great for new lovers, but not so much for other partners. NRE is a difficult thing to navigate, but if everyone manages to there is a lot to be gained by poly. Being aware of that for the partner who gets to sit and watch is sometimes helpful. Maybe doing a tag search for "NRE" would be helpful also.
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Old 07-12-2011, 05:53 AM
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Milehighquad might have the right idea about deepening your relationship with this guy, it's worth a try, sometimes it works but it is very dependent on the parties. I would have liked to have a great relationship with my metamour and we do have a good relationship but there is nothing in it that makes sharing my partner with her any easier.

Maybe you should find a girlfriend of your own? I've been doing this for three years now as a mono in a relationship with a poly guy and it hasn't really gotten any easier consistently. There have been times when I've been very positive about it but then the struggle always seems to come back.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
Maybe you should find a girlfriend of your own?
Hey Sage, glad to see you hanging out with us

From what I have seen, finding a first girlfriend when ones partner is starting a new relationship for the first time also is not generally a good idea. When someone starts a new relationship it becomes important to maintain a connection more than ever. When two people are in the throws of NRE that can be near impossible and can actually drive partners apart. Sometimes it creates NRE for poly itself and that can mean a huge drop in emotion when everyone wears out on NRE.

It does depend on the circumstance though. But from what I know, after the fun times are dying down and one partner wants to cosy up and re-connect, they are left with no one there to do that with because they are not on the same wavelength and out being still high on NRE. It can cause more problems and trouble that its worth in the long run.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:25 AM
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if I were you, I would start to deconstruct the thinking behind the jealousy and worries. I would recommend asking yourself why it would be okay with you for your wife to be sexual with another man without emotions, and yet it makes you uncomfortable that they have developed feelings for each other. What are the thoughts that come up when you feel that way?

You've been together a long time, so my guess is there may be some sense of possessiveness or ownership on your part. I think this is a common element I see in situations such as yours. Perhaps something in you feels like she belongs to you, in a way, and so threesomes were easy and non-threatening because you were there and able to control access to her. Then you thought of this guy as providing a service to her while you were traveling, so you allowed them to have liaisons without you. Somewhere in the mix, you were overlooking their feelings, humanity, and ability to connect.

It sounds like you are much more aware, open-minded, and willing to get to the bottom of this than some husbands seem to be when they come here with similar problems, so kudos to you. I would say, think about it this way: doesn't your wife deserve all the lovingness in her life that comes her way? Doesn't she deserve another person who cares about her and will treat her with love and respect, rather than just being a body for someone to use to get off? Because sharing her just for sex kind of demotes her to be less than who she is (a body), but allowing room in your relationship for her to feel love and be loved lets her become more fully who she is (body, mind, spirit, emotions). That might be something to remind yourself of when feelings of jealousy arise.

As for worries about her leaving you, just keep communicating. Yes, develop a friendship with this guy. It kind of doesn't make sense that a person who is happy with two partners would want to choose one; she's got a great thing, so why would she change it, LOL.
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:16 AM
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Great comments from the others.

Let me just add something from the perspective of your wife who is a new poly. It's quite unsettling and scary wrestling with accepting poly nature after a lifetime of living a mono lifestyle. Your support and acceptance can make that go so much easier.

I, for example, love my wife dearly. Other significant others highlight things in her that remind me why she's so special. The fact that I can talk with her about anything--even feelings for other people--makes me feel close to her and adds to that special nature.

Jealousy is often a cousin to fear. The fact you two seem to be open and communicating is a great sign and should reduce your fear. Perhaps knowing that there are many polys who love and will always be with their mono spouse will reduce fear as well. When that jealousy pops up, try to focus on how great she is that you want her so much and less on anyone else. Also, it us perfectly reasonable for you to seek and receive reassurance. If you're on the road and really feeling off, call her up, and talk to her. Let her know it's important that she tell you how important you are as a loving and supportive husband.

As for the other guy, your wife sees something of value in him. Given that husbands tend to appreciate their wife's (wives') sensibilities, I would bet that you might see value in him, too. After all, since she's attracted to you both, you likely have significant areas in common. You don't have to be buddies with him, but you may find you are.
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Old 07-12-2011, 12:02 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Default Thank you to everyone who responded

I was surprised ton find so many responses and sincerely thank each of you. Here's my current thinking given these responses.

1. Getting a girlfriend for me. While this is notboutside the realm of possibility at some point, I do not have the emotional energy tom devote to another relationship. It would be unfair tonthe other person because all my focusnwould be on securing my primary relationship.

2. Deepening relationship with the guy. I am ok with this idea, but my wife would like to be the one that orchestrates this. I think her feat is that my freaking put will push him away from her. He is single and has stated that he does not want to break up our marriage/family. So if I make him uncomfortable he will cut it off and she will hate me for that.

3. Understanding my jealousy and/or envy. This is the key. NYCindie, you are on target with your comments. Deep down inside me, after all these years, i think I do feel a degree of possession. I am not a jerk and I treat her very well so it is not a 'controllong' relationship. But I can't deny that the concept of possessiveness does apply here.

My jealousy stems from fear of losing what we had: a great sex life, emotional
connections, family, a future together.

The envy emotion rears its ugly head when i think she likes him better, wants him more, etc. From my reading here, I think NRE plays a huge part in this. How can a man she met when she was 18 (shs is now 42) compete with a guy she met a few months ago from a NRE perspective? (does anyone use the term ORE - old relationship energy - because I have a lot of that to offer lol).

5. Counseling. I think we would benefit from some counseling to shore up our primary relationship as we go through this. I will be asking for this.

So that's it for now. Thanks again for everyones help. I will keep you all posted as this evolves.
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Old 07-12-2011, 02:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertCourage View Post

...Deepening relationship with the guy. I am ok with this idea, but my wife would like to be the one that orchestrates this.
Do you mean she wants to be there every time you and "the guy" (you might want to use an initial or nickname here) meet? That's not really necessary. Does she think you'll get into a head butting fight like 2 rutting rams?

Quote:
I think her fear is that my freaking put will push him away from her. He is single and has stated that he does not want to break up our marriage/family. So if I make him uncomfortable he will cut it off and she will hate me for that.
First of all, you can't "make" anyone feel anything. You and he are both responsible for your own emotions.

Sounds like he's afraid of breaking you 2 up, and you're afraid of losing your wife to him. You're on the same page, man. You both want to keep your marriage stable, and to add "the guy"" as a 3rd in the most respectful, comfortable way possible.

Your wife also has a responsibility here to go at a pace with "the guy" that causes the least amount of stress for you. If this relationship doesn't work out, you all bear equal blame for that. Do you really think (when you examine it) she'd hate you if it didnt work out with him, or is that just a fear of yours?



Quote:
The envy emotion rears its ugly head when i think she likes him better, wants him more, etc. From my reading here, I think NRE plays a huge part in this. How can a man she met when she was 18 (shs is now 42) compete with a guy she met a few months ago from a NRE perspective? (does anyone use the term ORE - old relationship energy - because I have a lot of that to offer lol).
I like to call it Established Relationship Energy. Sounds sexier.
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Old 07-12-2011, 02:35 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Thanks for your thoughts Magdlyn. I very much appreciate them! Some answers to your questions and some addtional comments are below.

The iother guy (lets call him T from now on) and I get along great. He is respectful of me and her. So there is no fear of yelling, screaming, violence. He an I never sat down alone, but I did speak with him on the phone and the conversation was fine. I think my wife thinks that I may just explode if it gets too hard so she asked that she be the one to make the conenctions between T and me. I can respect that, however I really wont explode on him.

I do think she would hate me if I was to cause the end of her relationship with T. She has been unhappy for quite a while (off and on) becuase of the demands of my job. She was resentful of my not being home and her not having any help with the kids. Which is quite understandable given their schedules! She now feels like she can have me and not hate me for my job because she is not stuck alone while I am away. It makes sense to me.

I am really worried that she isn't investing enough passion into keeping our side of it exciting. She says she loves me, is in love with me, is atteacted to meand wants to be married forever. But I think a combination of stress at her work, plus the excitement of the new relationship with him has her distracted. So I am left wondering and hoping all is ok (even though she says it is and I believe her). I cant help my feelings when I think "why cant she just give me a hug now?".

I love your 'Established Relationship Energy'. I think that two peolple that have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 and have really kept the spark alive is extremely sexy!

Thank you again. You and the rest of the people responding are really helping me and it is appreciated.
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