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  #1  
Old 07-08-2011, 07:21 AM
Djinni Djinni is offline
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I'm reasonably new to polyamory, and have longed for a female partner who would make up the parts of my world that were missing.

She exists. My husband and I have sought partners outside our open marriage and have yet to make a deep connection, but this week we did.

Here are my problems:
1. Being new, I'm being probably too honest... I like her, a lot, and have told her so. I'm having to dig down in some self-restaint to not text her right now! Is it wrong to want to see her again, but also want to give her some space? she is very independent and has many partners. I want to command an appropriate portion of that time.

2. She is worried about my 'primary' relationship and respecting it's boundaries. I have told her how I feel about boundaries.. That my world does not end where my husband's begins.. Instead I consider anyone spending time with me intimately #1 (or +1 or +2). how do I communicate this without being pushy?

3. Who am I to judge since my poly life has only been the last 3 months(built on a 5 year hetero marriage and otherwise lifelong gay-only history), but she is very young and has lived the lifestyle intensely for the last year. There's a tiny worry in my mind that she will bore of me and move on to her other partners. How do I reconcile my place in her world? What questions can I ask to let her know I need to know my place?

What a weird place I'm in. Thanks in advance for your advice.
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  #2  
Old 07-11-2011, 04:11 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Djinni View Post
My husband and I have sought partners outside our open marriage and have yet to make a deep connection, but this week we did.

Is it wrong to want to see her again, but also want to give her some space?

I have told her how I feel about boundaries.. That my world does not end where my husband's begins.. Instead I consider anyone spending time with me intimately #1 (or +1 or +2). how do I communicate this without being pushy?

There's a tiny worry in my mind that she will bore of me and move on to her other partners. How do I reconcile my place in her world? What questions can I ask to let her know I need to know my place?
Welcome to New Relationship Energy (NRE). Its been a week! Slow down and gain some perspective here. You are giddy with her presence in your life it seems and that can cause many strange and wonderful questions and thoughts.

You have time to tell her how you feel about boundaries and how it works with your husband. You have no idea how this will unfold and if she will bore of you. Of course you want to be in contact... you really like her... yes, make sure she has space.

Just smile at yourself and let some of this go for a bit until you gain a better idea of if this is even going to be someone that wants to be in your life for awhile. You only met her this week for goodness sake!
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  #3  
Old 07-11-2011, 07:44 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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On contacts....
Djinni, that energy is awesomely but potentially dangerous. How you handle it can mean a lot. It's good that you're seeking advice (perhaps better than the advice you get ).

I would suggest that you try to limit the texting carpet bombing runs. Done? Great start. Ok, seriously though, some folks text a lot, some do not. A good starting point is to mimic her level of (frequency and length of) communication. No sending five replies to one text. No sending a book in response to a memo. After a reasonable amount if t me, you canolearn a sense of how much contact she wants and adjust accordingly.

One technique that may help is invitational rather than declarative communication. Try to end with a simple question (simple is important) or statement that invites comments. You might even offer bits if data you have in messages that invite further discussion. For example, "<boy> really likes <thing>. I was thinking of doing <thing related the thing>, what di you think?"

And don't forget to breathe. *hug*
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:04 PM
Djinni Djinni is offline
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I love you folks already. I've been sitting on my hand so as not to text, and committed to not texting or emailing all weekend and succeeded so now I feel better. Guess that's what marriage teaches you, watchful waiting.

She responded and is seeing my husband tomorrow... And we might meet for drinks on Thursday. I'm just so insecure about this!

You are right.. It's been less than two weeks! I'm totally running on NRE!

We have exchanged a few emails and I've been trying to answer with a little less than her response.

I forget the strengths you get from managing a relationship day to day.. Just treat her like the husband and I'll be ok. If still really anxious.

Djinni
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:43 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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It sounds like you are in a good place. Of course you're full of NRE and nervous--that's to be expected, and it's not a bad thing.

The thing that helps best with the nervousness is time. The annoying part about that is time takes, well... time. You have a potential meet for Thursday. So, deep breath and let it out. One step at a time, and you'll be fine.
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