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Old 10-16-2009, 01:02 AM
amawaya amawaya is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2
Unhappy need help with an issue

I have been a polyamorist for a few years and recently I have ran into a problem that I am not sure how to deal with. I recently met a wonderful girl that I am in love with and she is in love with me. We have nearly everything in common and mesh perfectly. There is just a couple of hitches. While she has talked with her current boyfriend regarding polyamory for a while prior to my arrival she still hasnt actually had the talk about living the lifestyle. When I met him he was nice and seems to be ok with it all in fact her and I fell asleep holding each other and he walked in and he acted like it was nothing. He was even pleasent towards me despite the fact I was cuddling with his girlfriend of 3 1/2 years, but she is worried about talking with him. I wasnt exactly sure of how much he knew and approved of before her and I went out though I knew he knew she was talking to me and flirting imensely with me. She doesnt really have any experience with polyamory but at times has dated more then one person, so the explanations are easy to do. I really want this relationship to take off and become something really serious and long term but I have no clue what to do since my ethics say that I cant do anything with out him knowing.
I am also worried about my position in this situation. Since neither of them have much experience in this situation they can not easily diffine my situation in the relationship due to their inexperience. She is reading every book she gets her hands on but still isnt clear on it all yet. Also though I have been a secondary before and was perfectly ok with it I am not sure that is what I want from this relationship. She asked if there was a possibility of like having two primaries and while I answered that there was I also knew that it was hard to handle on all parties because it has to be balanced perfectly or at least the time I tried it it was a disastor. this time will be worse since he isnt as affectionate and has no real interest in sex or displays of affection doesnt even believe in love as more then a chemical bodily response and even sleeps on the couch all the time, and I am the exact opposite being really affectionate and loving. If She did end up with coprimaries it would be an interesting situation considering she has already mentioned she would love to fall asleep every night in my arms.
I dont want to push him out of her life I just dont know how to get what I want she wants and keep him involved and dont want to take his place because he seems like a great guy but he just isnt putting forth the effort to have a relationship with her. But that doesnt look like the direction it is heading
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:42 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348

First of all - welcome to the site! Interesting first post.

Flat out - I would recommend talking to him about it. That's it and that's all. :shrug:
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Old 10-16-2009, 03:38 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Ditto what HMA said.

Welcome aboard.

I would sit down with both of them. She doesnt know how to have the talk, they are inexperienced, you aren't. So start the talk with what you see about their relationship (positive), how you would like to see yourself with her/them and see what happens.
Just for helpful hints-maybe print some of the definitions off of lovingmore website? There are some good ones there.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 10-17-2009, 07:28 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652

Hi! Welcome to the forums!

I agree with HMA and Loving Radiance. You'll feel a whole lot better about the situation when you have opened the lines of communications between the three of you. And from your description of the situation, you're the one of the three best suited to open the discussion.

Best of luck to all of you!
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