My Story in Two Parts: Part I
I'm a straight mono female involved with a straight poly male, D. He has 2 other straight mono female partner, Ki and Ka. We've all been with him at least three years and are all over 40; none of us live with him. We're a closed group.
When D and I first started seeing each other, we agreed to an FWB. He told me about the others and that they were also ok with this. We had fun, great sex and developed a friendship. We work together, but that hasn't been an issue, except in finding time to be together due to work schedules.
I'm not wired to have sex regularly with someone and not develop deeper feelings for them; neither is his. I fought falling for him. The only way to avoid it was to end the sexual relationship after a short time and be platonic friends. I didn't do that; didn't want to give up the best, most liberating sex of my life. I admitted to myself about a 1 1/2 years ago that I was in love with D. I didn't tell him. I suspected he felt the same. We told each other when he was in the hospital last October (more on that below). It was a huge relief!
Until last October, each of our relationships with D was separate. I'd met Ki once and Ka a few times. Then, D got pancreatitis and was in the hospital for a week. The 3 of worked together to ensure that he was well cared for while in the hospital and after he came home. We all got along, but Ki and Ka developed a deeper friendship. They are a lot alike personality wise - very talkative and extroverted; I'm quieter and introverted.
D has always spent less time with Ki than he does with me or Ka. This was also true before either one of us were with D. I guess really "seeing" it triggered her. While he was still in the hospital, she started requesting more time with D. We talked about it. I didn't and still don't have an inherent problem with her getting more time, but I didn't want it to impact the time we shared. He agreed with me.
Because of the friendship that had developed, Ka took it upon herself to speak up for Ki. This went on for a couple of weeks with no resolution and finally D suggested that they form a threesome. He really doesn't want very much alone time with Ki - it has always been that way. He told me about this, but said that he didn't think it would come to pass. There was discussion back and finally there was to be a meeting on Saturday, 10-31-2010.
I was with D on Friday night and through Saturday, the 31st. We had a wonderful time - felt very close to each other. He asked me if I wanted to stay for the meeting and I said yes. After speaking to Ki and Ka, he then told me that the meeting was postponed because Ki couldn't come over that night, so it would just be Ka. I said ok and left.
D did tell me that he had some ground rules about the threesome if it did develop. First, there would be no sleeping together the first night; and second, when or if it did happen, there would be no penetration. So, I left that day thinking: 1. There wasn't going to be a meeting and 2. When there was, things would progress slowly.
Didn't see D again until the following Tuesday at work. I was still basking in the "afterglow". He said that there was something he wanted to talk to me about, so we went to my office. He said that Ki and Ka has mentioned all of us getting matching Claddagh rings and what did I think? I was caught off guard, but said it sounded good.
Then, he said that the meeting had went well. I told him that I thought there wasn't going to be a meeting. He said that Ki had come over later so he didn't call me to return. He said that if I didn't want to know I shouldn't ask. I was floored. We talked that same evening and he told me that the three of them had made love together and it had included penetration. He said he had told them that we'd made love Friday night and Saturday and he was very satisfied. I started crying and he asked me why.
I wasn't sure what I was feeling. Everything was so jumbled. The first thing that popped in my mind was that I can't compete with two women. There's no way I can do what they can. He said I wasn't competing. I meant as much to him as ever. After we got off the phone, I was up until 4am, crying. I felt like a complete fool. From the time I left his house on Saturday until Tuesday morning, I'd been glowing with what we'd shared and how close we were and how much it meant to us. Then I found out that less than 12 hours after I left, he was having sex with his other two partners. I felt that what we had shared meant nothing. That it, that *I* was that easily forgotten. I'd never felt pain like that.
Over the next couple of days, I tried to regain my equilibrium, to convince myself that what had happened between the three of them didn't change what we'd shared, nor his feelings for me. I couldn't. I was hurting and I felt betrayed. He did the very thing he said he wasn't going to do. And less than 12 hours after I'd been in that very bed with him. I felt inadequate - I surely didn't satisfy him sexually or emotionally if he was happily having sex with two other women so soon after being with me. And there was anger. At myself, at him, at Ki, at Ka and at the entire relationship…
We got together Friday night and attempted to discuss everything. That was a big mistake. I take my part of the blame because I was too emotionally raw to talk about it. As a result, things got heated and we both said hurtful things. I felt dismissed and he felt attacked. We went to bed and finally talked a bit the next morning and both apologized and we had sex. I assumed we'd made up.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, we couldn't see each other for a couple of weeks, but talked on the phone and texted. When I asked about getting together, he told me that he wasn't "ready" to be with me because of the fall-out from our argument. He knew that I had not intended to, but it had brought up a lot of negative emotions from the past and he was gun-shy about being with me, and while he had forgiven me, he needed time to deal. So, we didn't see each other (except briefly at work and two lunches together) for a month. During this time, he was spending lots of time and having lots of sex with the newly formed threesome. So I developed resentment toward the threesome because on top of the sense of betrayal, there was a feeling of abandonment, being replaced and that no one cared about me or my pain.
D told me that he had not expected nor "planned" for things to happen as they did that night; as the three of them were together, it just flowed naturally and there was no intent to hurt me or to mislead me. I told him that I didn't think he'd lied to me intentionally because if I thought that, we'd be done. I've always insisted on is honesty. In retrospect, I suppose I was naïve to think that he'd be in bed with two willing women having sex and not expect penetration to occur. I only thought it because that is what he told me. To this day, I still don't understand why he told me things would progress slowly and not include penetration. And maybe it doesn't even matter.
D and I started seeing each other again in December. There was awkwardness and for the next several months, I felt less important and less desired. In January, Ka found out that her rent was increasing a lot, so she moved in with Ki. There have been bumps in the road with that arrangement. The three of us girls had agreed to get together, once a month at least. Didn't happen for a couple of months, but I didn't think too much about it.
At the beginning of March, D asked me if there was something going on between the three of us. I said no and he told me that they'd asked him why the two of them weren't enough for him and why he needed a third woman and what could she (meaning me) do to for D that they couldn't do? I was hurt and pissed. He said that he'd told them in no uncertain terms that he loved me, wanted me in his life and that it wasn't open for discussion. He said he was disappointed that they'd even ask that.
I had knee surgery in March also and wasn't able to go to Ds for a couple of weeks. When we did get together, things were a little strained - there were unresolved issues. All that came to head a head a few weeks later. A good friend of D's died unexpectedly. There was definite hostility between Ki, Ka and myself when we went to the funeral. The following Monday, we had a "meeting" and talked. We cleared the air over some misunderstandings, misinterpretations and agreed to communicate more effectively. The next Saturday, we all went together to an event and had a good time. We also talked that weekend. A lot. It was tough and at times painful, but needed. The overall relationship was strengthened and the individual relationships were improved.
I’ll stop here because that’s the background leading up to where I/we stand now. I know this was long and thanks for reading! And comments are welcome.
Will post Part II, which includes the issues I/we currently face.