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  #21  
Old 06-27-2011, 12:24 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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While I do agree that we can't control what our partner does... this learning how to let go of expectations we have of and with our partner can be difficult for some of us, especially if there are other issues like the relationship isn't in great conditon and being far away. NRE has been a bitch for me too because while I understand it, I don't get the loving squeezes to offset it. And that does make a difference, especially when you're someone who is newer to this type of relationship and ESPECIALLY if you're someone who is going into this FOR your partner, and it wasn't really your choice to change directions.

Letting go of expectations hasn't been easy for me, but it's coming. I've had to let go of pictures in my head of what's going to happen. Because it's NEVER going to be just like the vision you have. I think this comes easier with time and experience, but at some point I realized I needed to not try to retain control of their relationship. I don't have it, I don't REALLY want it, and it doesn't help make it any easier. What makes it easier is working on my relationship with HIM, so that whatever they do is whatever they do. If I'm feeling unloved and not getting what I need, that's an issue I have with him, and he and I need to talk about it and figure out what to do about it together.

I think sometimes people underestimate the courage it takes to go completely against everything you thought and work on your thinking, feelings and everything attached. It's hard enough when you're doing that with something you feel you need for yourself, it's even tougher when you're doing it for someone else. I think that's why a lot of poly people take more baby steps, more guidelines and boundaries until they can see through experience that they're not losing their relationship, that their partner can be trusted, etc. I don't see an issue with boundaries if they're needed. It's like training wheels. Not everybody can jump on the bike and ride. Some people need experience, help to keep them from falling while they gain their balance.

I think you're right in that when you're home you'll be able to get that love and squeezes and be able to reestablish your connection. The military is crappy for putting people in situations where it's REALLY difficult to retain your connection with your spouse, and that's without adding in extra elements.

I would definitely maybe think about seeing a counselor about the anger issues. Not because you need to be "fixed" but because a good counselor will be able to give you some concrete tools for managing anger. And for clear and good communication skills. All awesome tools for life, and super awesome for relationships.
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  #22  
Old 06-27-2011, 12:52 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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I spent some time with a counselor many years ago about my anger. I have done really well for a long time. this was an isolated issue. I think it has to do with several things. stress from deployment, separation from the family, and a lack of communication on both of our parts. it's hard when all you have is skype and email. the time zone thing is kind of a pain too.

I don't want to control their relationship. all I want from her is honesty and to keep me in the loop. I don't ask her to but she lets me know when she leaves for the gym and when she is on her way home. she tells me when she is going to her friends house at home. why couldn't she let me know she was leaving the bar late?

by the way, they took the pictures I wanted this morning. WOW!!!! AMAZING!!!! she sends me naked pics all the time but they are all in bathroom mirrors with her phone. when she actually gets to pose, which is what I really wanted, absolutely amazing. she is amazingly photogenic. she is also amazingly hot.

I love my wife and she loves me. if I didn't realize it before, I do now. I think, after this morning, she realizes just how hard this is on me. deployment, separation, work, poly....I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm so ready to get home.
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  #23  
Old 06-28-2011, 08:13 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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well, last night she flew out of NY. she says it was a good visit. she saw alot of her old friends and of course her BF.

I survived. a couple bumps and bruises, awed and humbled but I survived. as much as I hate myself for sending the nasty email, I think it was a step forward. it forced her and I to talk. we talk all the time just not about this. I think she is starting to understand what I need.

next step. she is going to NY again in a few weeks for a graduation party. another event I was supposed to go to before I found out it was my time to rotate over here. on one hand, I'm glad she is seeing him so much, on the other hand, I'm naturally jealous. I think it is also starting to raise some suspicions amongst our families who don't know. I'll be gone for a total of 4 months, which is pretty good, shortest hitch in my navy career. this will be her 3rd trip to NY in those 4 months. subtlety is not her strong suit.

the upside to that is we'll both be getting back around the same time. she might actually have to cut her trip short depending on when I'm supposed to get back. I have no ETA yet.

I'm probably gonna need some more help when she goes again. you guys are amazing and I thank everyone for the advice.
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  #24  
Old 07-02-2011, 10:20 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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it's July!!!! I know, I'm a day late but work has really picked up this past week. July means that at the end of the month (possibly the beginning of next month), I'll be home. it's all about getting to the checkpoints and hoping that time doesn't stall on me.

the second half of the month is probably going to drag for me. mama (it's what I'm gonna refer to my wife as from now on) is heading to NY again. another trip that has been planned for a long time, before she hooked up with the BF (I'll need to think of a name for him) but she is going to have alot more chances to see him again leaving me with the fear of the unknown all over again. I try not to think about it but it always creeps into my mind.

it won't be as easy for her to go out because she will have the kids with her this time but she has lots of friends so I know she can easily find a babysitter. as much as I want to be happy for them, I don't like the idea of her leaving the kids with someone just so she can go have sex. even if it is a good family friend. it has less to do with the sex and more to do with the kids.

anyway, right now I'm happy and on cruise control for the next month. Itinerary to go home will be out in a couple of weeks. woooohooooo!!!!!

VA OR BUST!!!!!!
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  #25  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:27 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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I skyped with mama and the kids last night. I love talking to her on skype, I can see her face so it makes me feel closer to her. after I went to work, she sent me an email asking for me to call her so I did.

looks like her and the BF's NRE is over. not for sure but they may be done. I talked to him this morning and he seems to think so. I have an Idea of what it's about but I don't want to speculate until I hear it from her.

I kind of feel relieved because of all the anxiety it's put me through. at the same time, depending on what happened she might be depressed for the last few weeks before I get home which would suck and I would feel horrible.

I don't know if it's even over but if it is, I'm not sure if she is going to want to try it again. time will tell. I'll know more later.
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  #26  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:34 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transitapparent View Post
she went out with her friends and wound up leaving at 11:30 instead of 8 because she had been drinking. she said she danced for 3 hours straight. so when she finally got to the hotel room, she was tired from dancing, tired from drinking and then they had sex and fell asleep.
apparently they had a big fight about this last night. he thought saturday was supposed to be his day and felt blown off because mama was spending time with her friends. I guess he really blew his top about it. he quit smoking a few weeks ago and blames the withdrawals.

mama and I had a nice long talk about it today and she is starting to see things that I told her about months ago. she said she doesn't see it going anywhere. she suggested he get a GF thats local and I don't think he liked that , I guess he only has eyes for her. I'm not sure whats going to happen with them.

if nothing else, it was a learning experience for both of us.
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  #27  
Old 07-05-2011, 04:39 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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I'm still not sure of they are going to make it. mama has suggested again that he should find a local GF. he doesn't seem to want to. I think he is hoping that someday she will leave me for him. she has assured both me and him that it won't ever happen.

he is jealous of me and he is also jealous that she wants to spend time with her friends when she goes back to NY. there are 2 big problems that are keeping them from getting together while she is there.

1. the kids. when she was up there before, the kids stayed with her sister, so she was free to do what she wanted. she doesn't think it's fair to them to get someone to babysit while she goes out with him and I agree. (none of her friends know and we plan on keeping it that way) she also won't leave them with anyone overnight which is good considering all the red flags it would throw up.

2. they are from a small area and everybody knows both of them. most of them know me too. if they were to be seen together, there would be alot of talk and would probably make it back to her family. (again, not ready for anyone to know.)

he is upset about it but she says that even though she loves him, protecting our marriage comes first. we're going back up that way again in August so it's not like he has to wait that long to see her again. then I can watch the kids and they can hang out by themselves.

on another note. I sent out a message on OKC and this time I actually got a positive response. I told her I was out of the country for another few weeks to a month so email would have to be our primary means of communication. she was good with that. gives us time to be friends before we ever meet face to face. I can't wait totell mama!!!! I'm not sure if she will be excited or if she is going to wrestle with the same emotions I did.
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  #28  
Old 07-10-2011, 09:53 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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wow, I can't believe it's been almost a week since I've posted news in here.

well, I'm not entirely sure what is happening with mama and the BF. she says that they can't be in a relationship anymore but she still wants to be friends. I've talked to him and he seems to be having a harder time accepting it than she is. not really sure if there's anything I can do to help.

I do have a problem with them being friends though. they had strong feelings for each other. they both say they have pushed them aside but I know it isn't that easy to do.

I wouldn't have a problem but after talking to him I've found out some things. I was 100% on the back burner. she bad mouthed me, she talked about leaving me. he says he talked her out of it. obviously stuff she never told me. I always thought we were happy. now she tells me that it went too far, she crossed too many boundaries.

if it happened once, I'm pretty sure it can happen again. I think I'm going to talk to her about counseling when I get home before we try this again.

now I'm not sure what to say to the girl I've been chatting with from OKC. it's been getting warm the past couple of days.
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  #29  
Old 07-10-2011, 06:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Are you sure he's not just saying that as a way to get back at her for ending it?
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #30  
Old 07-10-2011, 08:18 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Are you sure he's not just saying that as a way to get back at her for ending it?
I can see where that might come into play, but he has always been pretty straight with me, so I don't think thats the case. from the get go, he didn't want to disrupt our marriage. he didn't want to hurt our kids. he didn't even want to get involved because she was married but my wife is persistent. he tells me that he is happy that he was able to bring us closer together, that at least he did something right.

she never told me that she bad mouthed me or thought about leaving, but she has said that she let it go to far. maybe she got carried away with NRE. it doesn't help that I'm halfway around the world. sometimes physical touch is just as important as communication.

live and learn, keep moving forward.
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