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Old 07-09-2011, 06:31 PM
redsol redsol is offline
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Default Trying to figure this all out...1st timer here

I've always been the jealous type, a monogamist if you will. Lots of LTR's, but also lots of cheating both ways...very unhealthy. As of the last year or so, I've found myself at a point in my life where I've changed so many aspects of my life and now entering into the non-monogamous world.

I've met someone who considers herself to be in an open relationship, initiated by her. Her bf of many years is somewhat reluctant to participate, but I believe he loves her very much and so goes along with the idea as long as he doesn't know about her partners.

Years ago, I would have just considered this a good F buddy, and really just separate the physical and emotional. Easy for a guy right? However, I've found it increasingly hard with her. Not necessarily the sex itself...don't get me wrong it is amazing, but it has been close to 4 years since I've met someone who I feel I have this amazingly strong emotional, physical, spiritual connection with. How rare is this? I can say from my own experiences that this is so extremely rare that I find it hard to deal with. It's not the fact that she has a bf...or the fact that they live together. It's not the fact that I currently do not have anyone else serious in my life, just a few casual F buddies and that seem to be coming to an end as well. I believe it's just one of those things that WE non-monogamous people have to deal with as a learning and growing process.

I guess you would consider this a "V" type relationship with her being the pivot. I do find myself struggling with the fact that she spends a lot more time with him and her friends, with me always coming 2nd or 3rd. And while I don't blame her for keeping this in 1st gear as it's only been just over a month, I do find myself wanting to spend much more time with her, but I am trying to control my emotions when it comes to this "open" relationship.

I believe she has told him about our most recent sexual encounter. If I'm being honest with myself, it was probably one of the most amazing experiences I've had in a long time. It was totally opposite from the usual F buddy experience (emotionless F*cking). It was passionate, kissing deeply and staring into each others eyes type of experiences and I believe that is what led her to tell her bf. It doesn't look good, she hasn't been too open with me about it, and I don't feel I'm in a position to probe for more and just backed off a little, letting her deal with it and telling me when she feels comfortable. We've talked about the idea of this open relationship and we are still both very new to it and are exploring our own limits and emotions. Previously, she has had casual sex with others, but nothing more than just the physical aspect of it.

Yes, yes...long post and I guess I'm not asking anything in particular, but just venting to people who have the same experiences...
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:22 AM
Blondie2 Blondie2 is offline
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Hi Redsol

I'm trying to figure this all out as well. I've been introduced to the idea of 'open relationships' after having been married for many years. I've met someone who is in an open relationship with his girlfriend and he asked me if I'd be interested in exploring polyamory.

Honestly, I am interested in exploring the polyamorous lifestyle but I've had moments of sheer confusion about it.

The guy I'm involved with is new to it as well. Interestingly, he decided to try polyamory after his girlfriend hinted about it. I'm trying to create a friendship based relationship with him as that is the most important to me, with this guy. I'd also like to have sex with him, so in a sense, I'd like a 'friends with benefits' relationship with him, but with friendship being the foundation. I'm not in it with him JUST for sex. I've told him that and he understands that.

The thing is, he thinks it's great being polyamorous because he said he can 'flirt his ass off and it's great'. Ok, so what does that mean, exactly?

I know that guys think very differently to women, so I think that's why I'm frustrated about this relationship I'm in with him, but at the same time, I'd like to persue a friendship relationship with him as that's most important to me.

Anyway, I've not really asked any questions here or mentioned any relation to your situation, per se, so I guess I'm sort of venting also?!

If you read this and have anything to say or any advice, I'd appreciate that.

Thanks
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Old 07-10-2011, 07:40 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Redsol: probably the best advice I can offer is that you keep communication open. As a new relationship, there is a strong impulse to share a lot, and that can go too far, so try to balance honest openness against eager pushiness.

I worry when you write that you feel put out by coming in second or third. You're the new guy, so it's understandabke that your aren't in tge same position. Where you stay or go in thise terms is something you'll have to work out with her over time. Patience is also as hard but as valuable as honesty with poly relationships.
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Old 07-10-2011, 09:37 PM
redsol redsol is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondie2 View Post
Hi Redsol

I'm trying to figure this all out as well. I've been introduced to the idea of 'open relationships' after having been married for many years. I've met someone who is in an open relationship with his girlfriend and he asked me if I'd be interested in exploring polyamory.

Honestly, I am interested in exploring the polyamorous lifestyle but I've had moments of sheer confusion about it.

The guy I'm involved with is new to it as well. Interestingly, he decided to try polyamory after his girlfriend hinted about it. I'm trying to create a friendship based relationship with him as that is the most important to me, with this guy. I'd also like to have sex with him, so in a sense, I'd like a 'friends with benefits' relationship with him, but with friendship being the foundation. I'm not in it with him JUST for sex. I've told him that and he understands that.

The thing is, he thinks it's great being polyamorous because he said he can 'flirt his ass off and it's great'. Ok, so what does that mean, exactly?

I know that guys think very differently to women, so I think that's why I'm frustrated about this relationship I'm in with him, but at the same time, I'd like to persue a friendship relationship with him as that's most important to me.

Anyway, I've not really asked any questions here or mentioned any relation to your situation, per se, so I guess I'm sort of venting also?!

If you read this and have anything to say or any advice, I'd appreciate that.

Thanks
I think the act of flirting itself can be fun and exciting and one of the reasons why I'm so interested in this lifestyle. Being able to meet new people and have new experiences is what I'm starting to really thrive on and I'm just assuming that he also likes this feeling (who doesn't!). I wouldn't read too much into that comment.

From the beginning I was very open minded to the possibilities of this relationship dynamic and I think if you remain open and be able to communicate then it will get easier and feel more natural. I always tell her that I'm just rolling with it and dealing with things as they come, trying not to get too caught up in the small details, and just have fun and get to know each other. I don't know if this is the best way of going about this, but it feels good for now and so I'll continue with it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
Redsol: probably the best advice I can offer is that you keep communication open. As a new relationship, there is a strong impulse to share a lot, and that can go too far, so try to balance honest openness against eager pushiness.

I worry when you write that you feel put out by coming in second or third. You're the new guy, so it's understandabke that your aren't in tge same position. Where you stay or go in thise terms is something you'll have to work out with her over time. Patience is also as hard but as valuable as honesty with poly relationships.
Thank you for this Sagency. I know it must take a lot of patience for this type of a relationship, but hearing someone else reaffirm it makes me feel much better. I have been completely open to her and experiences and have communicated this to her many times.

You are right about the eagerness. I really need to slow down as sometimes I tend to over think/contemplate things.

I am also finding that because we are both relatively new to this, we are both working on communication and openness and so there are times when I am unclear as to what she may be thinking or feeling. I don't push for info, but she has been a little bit resistant on sharing certain aspects of her life. I hope this will change in time...
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:10 PM
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Blondie2, polyamory has about as many definitions as practicioners. Personally, I tend to consider polyamory as multiple relationships with emotional substance rather than multiple sexual partners. I'd suggest that multiple sexual partners without the emotional connection is swinging, not polyamory. Whatever your definition or the definition or your partners, the important part is that everyone involved understands what is going on. I know many folks who use the poly label as an excuse the sleep around while keeping a spouse at home but never actually having any real connection. Some poly folk define cheating not as a sexual act but as the act of pretending something true is not true.

The fact you're frustrated at the flirting comment can be a good thing. If you sense something us out if place, then there's an area to pursue. Why dies he say it's great, for example, is a simple question for him. A simple question for you is what are some specific things that have confused you?

Too be fair, being poly is not a good idea for the faint of heart. Success requires a level of introspection and generosity that many struggle with. The fact you've questioned how to handle things is a huge, strong step though.

There are two questions that have been excellent guides for my relationships (poly or mono): 1) Is this a level if crazy I'm willing to deal with? Much of what we face in life is based on our choices. For example, I've had friends who were downright toxic to me. As long as I chose to be near those folk, my life was full of unnecessary drama and angst. Sometimes the added complication is worth it, sometimes it's not, but go into it or away from it knowing that the choice is yours.

2) If there is no good answer, should I ask the question? Sometimes we seek things that do nothing but upset us when we would have been fine without ever asking. The classic example is someone asking, "Do you live me?". There are two answers: yes and no. If they say yes, why did you have to ask? Feeling insecure? Jealous? If they say no, what now? Were you not happy without having to articulate the question? Did having an answer actually help?

Best if luck to you and yours.
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think the best possible thing anyone can do when it is a new relationship is to let themselves enjoy the delicious feelings without getting too attached to expectation. If you feel yourself hankering for things to move forward, it's probably really just a case of enjoying yourself so much that you want more! But in reality, if you push, if you force the situation into some kind of commitment or parameters too soon, it will just get messy and complicated.

As human beings, our biggest lessons are usually the ones that require patience. See if you can be with what is without giving into that feeling of striving to make it more. How often do we simply let ourselves revel in pleasure and joy? But our minds will tend to complicate things because, like computers, we want to delineate and compartmentalize our experiences. We want to have a frame of reference in order to know what to do and how to handle situations that are unfamiliar. But living with uncertainty and not knowing, as challenging as it can be, can give us huge rewards, beyond anything we could imagine or expect.

So, I say, Redsol, whenever you find yourself longing for more time with her, see if you can take a step back from that wanting feeling and just "sit with" the wonderful, amazing deliciousness of who she is and how you feel when together. See if you can notice your thought process when you want to push things or when you wish you were treated differently and see if it's simply a matter of wanting more of being touched in a way you haven't allowed before. Perhaps you feel that she is somehow filling some sort of "hole" or lack within you, that you maybe never knew you had, or that being with her fulfills a need. That's okay. Maybe it's just a simple level of discomfort around something in your life working so well and being just so damned so good, that you want to move it along instead of just feeling it. How good are you willing to let your life be?

If you can just start to see things more clearly, you will develop more patience and appreciation for what you now have in your life without wistfully hoping for more or feeling also that it is inadequate if it doesn't progress more fully and quickly. Then things can develop and grow deeper naturally, organically, when the time is truly right for that to happen.

Hope this helps!
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
being poly is not a good idea for the faint of heart. Success requires a level of introspection and generosity that many struggle with. The fact you've questioned how to handle things is a huge, strong step though.

There are two questions that have been excellent guides for my relationships (poly or mono): 1) Is this a level if crazy I'm willing to deal with? Much of what we face in life is based on our choices. For example, I've had friends who were downright toxic to me. As long as I chose to be near those folk, my life was full of unnecessary drama and angst. Sometimes the added complication is worth it, sometimes it's not, but go into it or away from it knowing that the choice is yours.

2) If there is no good answer, should I ask the question? Sometimes we seek things that do nothing but upset us when we would have been fine without ever asking. The classic example is someone asking, "Do you live me?". There are two answers: yes and no. If they say yes, why did you have to ask? Feeling insecure? Jealous? If they say no, what now? Were you not happy without having to articulate the question? Did having an answer actually help?
I really like this and was wondering if you would be interested in posting it in this thread about "lessons". I think it would be a really good addition if you are interested. Thanks for considering it.

Congrats on your NRE redsol. Finding love is such a gift.

I would agree with those that have said to slow down and savour. This will develop as it will and grow if you leave it up to its natural course I think. I see relationships like gardens (thanks sourgirl ). The seeds get planted and will grow if the plant is tended and given what it needs... put if we get fussy over it or neglect it, it can die. Nature has a wonderful way of taking care of things if we leave them and just admire and take joy from where we are. We have no control sometimes and this seems like a time where you just have to wait and see. Everything will unfold and whether or not you mean as much to her will be revealed...
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:52 AM
Blondie2 Blondie2 is offline
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Redsol: Thank you for your input into my concerns about his flirting. I'm certainly happy to flirt with others and haven't got an issue with him doing that, however, I just felt at the time of his comment that his reason for being polyamorous was so he could flirt. You don't have to be polyamorous to do that!

Regarding communication, I'm totally into that and all for it. Unfortunately, I have a lot going on in my head about how I want things to look and I've come from a background where people expect you to do certain things at certain times, etc, and things have to be a certain way. Yeah, whatever!!!

So, I'm just trying to discover relationships and what i want from them and with whom. It's not easy when you come from a monogomous background and have been with the same person for half your life!

Sergency: Thank you for your input. I appreciate your comments. I'm certainly all for the relationship which is based on emotional connection and not purely sexual connection.

I had been reading through different comments made on this forum about what polyamory is for different people, so I started thinking that that is how it's meant to be, however, I spoke with the guy I'm involved with and he made it really simple. He said 'polyamory is what YOU create'. I realised that it doesn't have to fit a certain mold. That's what 'societal' pressure is. To hell with 'societal' pressure.

So, as far as my relationship is with him, I'm happy with how it is right now and am excited about what we could potentially create together in future, although I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying it for what it is NOW, with no pre-conceived ideas or expectations.

I know I'm in the right place right now, in regards to exploring polyamory. I'm very open-minded when it comes to relationships and the possibilities that can be created from them. I have a lot of love to give and really don't see the logic in being with just one person for the rest of your life, like in marriage. Been there, done that, didn't work! I'm certainly not afraid or against commitment, but just not in a monogomous way!
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:55 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondie2 View Post
I spoke with the guy I'm involved with and he made it really simple. He said 'polyamory is what YOU create'. I realised that it doesn't have to fit a certain mold.
This is very true, and it seems polyamory is different for everyone. For my partner, polyamory was very simply the definition which really fits her need to have her two soulmates in her life, in full relationships. She's never felt a lack of anything, or need for anything "else", but she realised that when lightning strikes a second time, it's too good to pass up.
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:56 AM
Blondie2 Blondie2 is offline
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Sagency: PS - very sorry, I realised I spelt your user-name incorrectly!
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