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  #21  
Old 07-09-2011, 05:37 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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If your girlfriend wants you to write your reasons, she should let you write your reasons and not dictate what you get to write. Plus that wording sounds like you're asking for a peace treaty from the leader of another country. It's really weird.

I think you should stand your ground and write the letter the way you'd write it, or not write one at all.
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  #22  
Old 07-09-2011, 05:39 PM
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Yeah, that request is ridiculous.

Just write a sandwich letter. Compliments, followed by your concerns and request, followed by another nice thing.
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  #23  
Old 07-09-2011, 06:01 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Default excerpts from my initial letter to Pretty Lady

I wrote a letter to Pretty Lady about 4 1/2 months into my relationship with Wendigo (her husband). It was something I'd been incredibly nervous to do, at first, but after a month of chatting online both with him as the in-between and w/o I realized that I needed to do it. I don't know if this will help you, as you are hoping to be the primary in your situation, if not getting your GF back all to yourself and I was reaching out to my secondaries primary, who is now my OOSO. But I thought that it might illustrate the tone you should use. I know that you are hurting, but if you go at it from a place of compassion and respect, she might be more willing to meet you halfway, and it will show your GF that while you are uncomfortable with the situation, you are trying to be respectful of her decisions. Writing from the heart and using "I" statements instead of "you need to" statements may also help her feel less manipulated and pressured. Good Luck!

"Pretty Lady, I've been trying to write this for a while now. So forgive me if its rushed or jumbled. Wendigo told me last night that you're a little concerned about my feeling for him and I know that you probably read what I told him, but I wanted to hear it from me. I think this conversation should have happened a while ago, but I wasn't even sure you'd talk to me then."

"I believe that you can love more than one person in different ways. I also personally believe that there are people who are fated to come into your life. That those people each carry with them a piece of your heart.... Wendigo holds a piece of my heart. I'd be less of who I am without him in my life. There are a handful of people that I've adopted - they called out to me on a psychic level.....Unfortunately, me adopting people comes with a price, I'm over protective of the people I call mine and probably a tad bit possessive too. But I'm loyal to my friends and I'll do anything for them. I'm glad that we're getting to be friends and I don't want to screw that up. And just to be clear on something else, I'd want to be your friend even if you weren't married to Wendigo."

"I'm not going to ask you to stop worrying about my feelings towards Wendigo. You're his wife, its your place, but know that I love Runic Wolf and am truly lost and empty without him. So I understand how you must feel about Wendigo."
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  #24  
Old 07-09-2011, 07:28 PM
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There were times that Runic Wolf felt that he was losing me to NRE along the way and whether it was the impression I was giving or his own personal issues didn't seem to matter. What mattered was that he told me and gave me the opportunity to reassure him and try to be a better me.

Your girlfriend may truly want to believe that she can give up this girl for you, she may want with all her heart for you to know just how much she loves you, but she also might have a bit of New Relationship Energy of her own or be developing feelings for her girlfriend that cloud her ability to do that. So maybe giving her up isn't an option at the moment, but allowing yourself to present your side to the girlfriend, explain that you're struggling with having to share her because for 2 years and 5 months she's been all yours and you need some time to adjust and some reassurance that she isn't trying to steal your girlfriend from you. Having that assurance from her could mean a world of difference in how you interact with her (which benefits her), how you see the situation and act with your girlfriend (which alleviates the stress on your girlfriend, which benefits all 3 of you), and how you determine what you yourself want/need/ and can handle from this now poly relationship.
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  #25  
Old 07-09-2011, 08:30 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Default Agreed!

Stick to you guns. You have every right to meet the new person in your gf's life.

IMHO, her refusal to meet you is a backhanded way of being in charge of the situation.

What is she afraid of? Meet at a Starbucks for 10 minutes. That way, you are not stuck waiting for a meal you ordered or something.

Good luck, girl. You can get thru this!
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  #26  
Old 07-10-2011, 12:26 AM
floundering floundering is offline
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Thank you again JameeDee, your link was helpful and I appreciate it.
I have had a long day and although it isn't over yet I feel a bit more at peace. I am hoping that I can meet this woman and it is my deep hope that eventually I can even like her. I think this is part of the difficulty too is that it's all so ambiguous and unknown. She is probably just as frightened as I am and just trying to get some peace. I appreciate everyone's help here so much.
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  #27  
Old 07-11-2011, 03:57 AM
floundering floundering is offline
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Well my gf stuck to her guns and insisted that the new gf meet me. I wrote the letter I referred to and got a response that basically said, that the situation sounded like an ultimatum and she didn't like it. She also said "IF" we met she wanted it to be when we both agreed to. She also stated she was not ready. I replied to her message and said that I was glad she replied. I acknowledged that the situation was uncomfortable
for all of us and that I could admit that we were making a demand. I stressed that the meeting was a demand so that I could stay involved. I also expressed a hope that we could be able one day to negotiate our needs in a way that would not have the gf feeling pulled. I stated that I was not poly but trying to follow the poly rules since I can't deny that this is the situation I am in. I also said I found comfort in her acceptance that we needed to meet before she and my gf were together again in order for me to remain involved.
The new gf has broken up with the gf over this. My gf thinks it was my email. That if I had not written the email we would have progressed and met. The new gf says that not only does she not want to meet me that she is afraid of me.
I don't know what to do. The only thing I can do to make my gf happy is to tell her to remove the demand. Any advice? I don't want her to resent me for her losing the other gf. thanks to all.
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  #28  
Old 07-11-2011, 04:31 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Oh, that's ridiculous. Your fault? The new gf is being entirely unreasonable, it seems to me.You're reaching out and she is being resistant.

It's very very common, and recommended, for metamours to meet eventually, with respectful PMs or emails in the meantime, feelings of warmth and sharing. Everyone has to get along and meeting each other can only facilitate that!

Your gf needs to do more research into poly if she is gonna attempt to have 2 gfs. Whether she and new gf get back together, or she finds someone else she just can't resist, you can't just run into this kind of thing willy nilly and hope for the best. You're all adults here. It takes work from all parties to facilitate this. This isn't a secret affair. Everyone needs to be on the same page or it won't work. Don't let yourself feel guilty, you're the one trying here!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #29  
Old 07-11-2011, 05:04 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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This woman feels "uncomfortable." That is understandable and normal and okay! She will live. Everyone is going to live through this... especially if everyone decides together that they are going to walk through their fear, embrace the feelings that make them feel uncomfortable and get about dealing with them rather than avoiding them. Avoiding doesn't make them go away, it makes the situation go away and that can lead to resentment, blame, hurt, pain and can break up relationships or at the very least make them unhealthy.

Poly is hard for people who don't want to deal with their shit and other peoples shit. Maybe this other woman is that kind of person. Maybe this is just not going to work for her and she has decided that. Its too bad, because it puts your gf in an awkward situation of having to decide.... that is not your problem, or for you to take on as your problem. You just need to be yourself and carry on reaching out to her. You never know, she might eventually decide that its too hard NOT to meet you because of all the insisting going on. Or maybe she has broken up with her for real (sorry, I'm not really entirely buying this break up thing... it seems like a last ditch effort to make her partner decide who its going to be, you or her), in which case it was never meant to be and she, you and everyone else will move on and be happier for it. Also not because of you. It kinda urks that anyone, especially a gf would put their break up on you over an email! Ya, way to point the finger else where. It sounds like more is going on here than you realize. They just don't seem all that compatible for a poly relationship.
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  #30  
Old 07-11-2011, 05:05 AM
floundering floundering is offline
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Thank you Magdlyn, I have been so worried about if I was being too pushy. Right now I feel like the gf broke up with my love and we are going to move forward and pursue a monogamous relationship and try it on 100%. I don't ever think I'll try poly. It's all so complicated for me. I may just be a one dyke dyke. I hope that my gf can return to us fully without resentment and if she can I think we'll be fine. We have work to do, but I think we will be ok. I hope.
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