Help me, please.

I am on the verge of losing the best relationship of my life.

Background, in a nutshell-- I have been with my partner, Ali, since 1996. We have children. Five years into our marriage, our sexual connection faded. I waited 7 more years, and finally said that I did not want to live without sex and romance in my life. We have morphed into best friends. There is no sexual or romantic intimacy between us.

I started dating my gf, Bea, a few years ago. For a long time, I was afraid to really stand up for us, because I didn't want to push Ali so hard that she would separate. Bea felt neglected, and was very sad all the time. She wanted to pursue another relationship. She has done so, and although I have tried for a few months and many sleepless sick nights to be poly, I don't think I am.

I know I have a wife, but I am sexually and romantically monogamous. I have tried to set up a meeting with Bea's new gf to see if that would help, but she (Carrie) only will meet me if Bea is there. I wanted to meet her to see her as a person and not my imagined monster. I know I sound greedy and selfish, but I have tried so hard to fight for our relationship, and now have Ali's full permission and acceptance. It feels like it is all being tossed for a woman she Bea known for a couple months.

I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. Please help.

I don't know quite how to help you. If you really can't deal with Bea having other relationships, poly isn't an option. However, maybe monoamory isn't an option for her. You should talk about it. I mean, I know you say Bea said she'd be monoamorous if it ends with Carrie, but she might be saying that because, like you, she doesn't want to lose you, and she's hoping with time it will work better. Or maybe she would be fine with a mono relationship, but doesn't want to hurt Carrie, just like she told you.

What's the problem with meeting Carrie with Bea also being there? You could always do that first, and talk about things, and see if you have a better idea what to do. I'm not sure I understand what the problem is. Maybe it's scary for Carrie to meet you alone, and that's why she'd rather have your Bea there too. Plus, Bea is whom you have in common, after all.

I would suggest to try and arrange a meeting with the three of you, and get to know Carrie. Then you can see a) if polyamory is still unthinkable, b) if she makes Bea happy and c) how committed and in love she is, if it's still a stage where she could take it or leave it.

Either way, you'd probably have a better idea after said meeting, whether it goes well or not.

Knowing one's metamours makes a huge difference to the harmony of a tribe, in my opinion. I think I would go out of my way to meet Carrie as soon as possible, and by any means possible. During the meeting, I think I would express how I feel about it all, and ask for input around what boundaries they and you want to set. You don't have to agree right away, but agree to think about what they each suggest.

Likely the other two are just as anxious and concerned about the result as you. That means you can go into this with empathy and with the approach that they all have needs, just as you do. Bea has been waiting around for some time to be mono with you, by the sound of it. I think I would let her play this out and be there at the end of it, or at least until it's evident that Carrie is a keeper for her. By that, I mean about a year, and long after the NRE has worn off.

It sounds like she might be monoamorous too, or at least would prefer that, so I think I would be reassuring her all along that things have changed now. And when she is ready, you will be waiting to be exclusively with her, if that is what she wants. Then wait.

As for sex, it's up to you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. There is no protocol.

Thank you so much, Tonberry. What I am trying/failing at doing is to follow a couple books that I bought on polyamory, to try to deal. Most of what I have found is that people say it's best to meet the other gf on neutral ground, away from the loved one, so there can be no perceived, or imagined inequity in how she treats both of us. My biggest concern was trying to find some structure. I think that, in my wanting to make Bea happy and not so bereft, I said okay to something I had no idea would make me feel the way it does.

Thanks again for responding. It is so nice to have someone hearing me.
thank you thank you

Thank you, Redpepper! I told Bea that the most I feel I can do this is like a month. She's been seeing Carrie for three months. I was hoping that if the meeting went well, I could try for 6 months. A year sounds like being an abused wife, at this point, for me.

Again, thank you thank you thank you.

To clarify, it sounds like you may want to divorce Ali, remain co-parents, and develop a monogamous relationship with Bea?

Are there reasons why, when the relationship with Bea became more serious, this was not an option? While you are not in a sexual/romantic relationship with Ali, you can be considered non-monogamous because of the deep emotional connection parenting and being best friends has forged between you and her.

It would not be a bad idea to meet Carrie, but just meeting her is not likely to help. It sounds like you and Bea have much to discuss about what each of you really wants, and what that would look like, and how to get there.

What do you want? Do you know what she wants? On a deep level, beyond buzzwords like polyamory or monoamory, what do each of your hearts and minds truly want from each other?

Thank you, Opalescent. Divorce is not an option because no one wants it. I don't, because I want my children to feel secure. Bea loves my family and loves Ali. She does not want to live with me. She does not want me to be apart from my kids.

We talked for a long time last night about my desire to meet Carrie. I have hope that it will help me see her as less of a threat and more human. Bea agreed that the two of us, the new interest and me, would meet before they saw each other again. I greatly appreciate that, because I hope that my physical and emotional reaction to them being together will be much more tolerable.

I am truly romantically and sexually monogamous with Bea. Ali is 100% aware of this and on board.

Thanks again for your comment. I really appreciate how helpful all of you have been. I wish everyone that needed or wanted support knew of this resource. Thank you all! So much!

update-shmupdate

Hello, I'm going to the funny farm! Or I'm already there.

Bea and I went to her father's the other night. He is lifetime polyamorous. We met with him and his partner. We sought out their advice. We came away, after a lot of crying and processing, with a solution to my problem of needing to meet Carrie.

I have been hoping that by meeting Carrie, I would at least be able to lessen the jealousy and angst when they are together. Carrie did not want to meet me, but finally agreed.

I wanted to meet alone and on neutral ground, for the reason that it would put us on an equal plane. We wouldn't be able to imagine that Bea treated either of us better than the other, or any other imagined issues.

Carrie does not want to meet me, but will if Bea is there. I stepped back from my need for it to be alone and neutral, in hopes of moving forward. My need was for this meeting to happen before the two of them are together again, so I don't go through another night vomiting and suffering from panic attacks.

God knows, if I didn't love Bea I would have bailed long ago. I don't want anyone hurt, but I feel I have a right to stick to this request. I want to meet Carrie before.

Carrie is poised to break up with Bea over the demand. She says she feels manipulated. I don't know what to do. Part of me would be so freakin' happy if she did break up with Bea, because our plans are to go back and try monogamy if that relationship ends. The other part of me does not want Bea suffering and grieving the loss of that relationship. That relationship is a couple months old. Bea and I are coming up on 2 years 8 months.

I just can't lose her. I feel insane.

I appreciate any help you can give me. I'm so sorry if I'm a bore. I have nobody to talk to about this.

Be Strong

Hi babygirl. I know you feel crazy right now, because I have been there. Not EXACTLY there....but close.

I'm married and my hubby and I have recently fallen for Pinky. Although our situation is different from yours, because I also have a relationship with Pinky, I totally understand the jealousy, panic, fear, all those terrible feelings.

All I can tell you is to be totally honest about your feelings for Bea, and your feelings about Carrie. Why is it such a huge deal that Bea doesn't hurt Carrie's feelings? Seems to me Carrie is being difficult. AND she is hurting YOUR feelings. Doesn't Bea care how YOU feel in this situation?

Just my $0.02... You can only control how YOU feel. You cannot make anyone else love you, feel for you, or do for you.

Your number one job here is to take care of yourself. No one else will.

We love you, girl. Hang in there.

Thank you, JameeDee. Do you (and anyone else, for that matter) think it will ruin the relationship if my hope continues to be that Bea and I get back together monogamously? Bea knows that's what I want, and she says that she will be mono if the relationship with Carrie does not last.

Thank you so much for your time. I hope one day I will be able to help around here and not be an advice suck.

Do you think it will ruin the relationship if my hope continues to be that Bea and I get back together monogamously?

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Ruin which relationship? Yours and Bea's? NO. Bea's and Carrie's? So what? Carrie doesn't even want to meet you. She already thinks you are manipulating her? Didn't she know you were in the picture when she signed up for this? Sorry to sound negative, but you have to worry about you and stop worrying about this other chick.

Bea knows that's what I want. She says that she will be mono if the relationship with Carrie does not last.

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What I get from this is: Bea is just hanging on to you "in case" this other arrangement doesn't work. Is that right? Please tell me that is not the case.

Good question. I didn't realize it might have read this way. Bea says she wants the rest of her life with me, whether Carrie stays or goes. She says that she wishes this had not happened, and that if there was a way to break up with Carrie without hurting her, she would. I do believe that she loves me, needs me and wants me forever, at this point.

So, no, if I thought that for a second, I would have run. I think she is trying really hard with Carrie to make it work where it does not. Carrie and I are very very different people.

I feel sex is spiritual. I would be fine if Bea was in this relationship with Carrie and there was no sex. I would be fine with kissing, sleeping, hugging, but no sex. I would prefer if sex were between us only. I know that is absurd and unreasonable, but I'm just putting it out there that Bea knows, at least, I could deal with that with no problem, and no need to meet Carrie. Does that make sense?

Thanks again for your time and help. It means so much.

floundering said:

She says that she wishes this had not happened and that if there was a way to break up with Carrie without hurting her, she would.

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I don't think there is ever a way to break up with someone without hurt feelings. It is the nature of the beast. Bea can do her best to soften the blow, but I guarantee feelings will be hurt.

I think your wish to have a fluid-bond with Bea only is completely fair. Since the sex isn't so great with Carrie, what's the big deal? As Dr. Phil says, "Stop doing it." LOL

Why can't or won't you ask Bea to stop sleeping with Carrie? Seems like a simple request to me.

I did ask. Bea said "No," because it would be a dealbreaker for Carrie. Bea talked to Carrie last night to say that meeting me before they are together again is needed. Carrie is not pleased, and feels forced and threatened. I understand, but I feel forced and threatened. Carrie is not poly either, btw. So she is taking her time, which is hurting Bea and me, to decide what she wants to do. Bea is sticking to her promise and said to Carrie that she will not see her until the two of us meet. I hope she sticks to her guns, and I hope we make it.

It sounds like Bea is really trying to take your feelings into consideration. That is a good thing! I think you guys will be ok if you continue to communicate openly.

Best of luck.

I got this link from Redpepper. It's been very helpful for me.

http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf

Thanks, Dee. I think I poly-love you!

LOL - It's ALL for Love, right?

Update on misery

So I spent the night with Bea last night, and although we mostly had peace, we had a few moments of processing and it got really hard. Carrie feels manipulated and like the gauntlet has been dropped with this ultimatum. Bea doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but I can't help but wonder if the accusations are true... Do I want control or power? I don't think so. I think I wanted to know who I was dealing with, to help me through the nights they are together.

Bea now says that if she had known that the agreement we came to at her dad's house the other night would have hurt Carrie as much as it did, she wouldn't have done it.

I am so confused. I don't know what to believe, I know Bea loves me, but I don't know if she is being honest. Carrie wants to know what she will get out of meeting me. I don't know the answer. Carrie is now angry a demand was made.

I told Bea that Carrie was no different from me, in that we both want to be mono with Bea. I have always wanted this and made no bones about it. Carrie entered into a relationship with a poly involved with a mono, stating that she was fine with the idea, but now, because I have been so demanding, she wants Bea to be with just her.

I am on the verge of saying goodbye to Bea, as this whole thing is making me ill, sad, scared. And the only end in sight is when Carrie decides what she wants.

Any and all advice greatly welcome.

Meeting your new gf's longtime partner is just par for the course in poly land. Even though you all claim to be mono, this is a poly situation. You're living with your former lover/best friend/wife, Ali, of many years. You've got a LTR of over 2 years duration with Bea. Bea has a new gf of 2 months, Carrie. This is a poly tangle.

Of course Carrie is afraid to meet you. She imagines you as a monster, and you imagine her as one. Actually meeting will show you both you're just normal people with similar feelings. Stick to your guns. If Carrie is so scared to meet you that she refuses... well, then, she's showing lack of character that should show Bea something about her, that might decrease the NRE.

Bea is afraid breaking up with Carrie will hurt her? Well, obviously Carrie is already having unpleasant feelings of jealousy and fear, even without being dumped. I don't know what she was thinking, falling for an allegedly mono person already in a LTR. She made the choice to fall for her, now she's gotta face reality and "pay the piper" by meeting you. It's the east she can do, IMO. Sack up, as they say!

I am glad Bea is refusing to see Carrie alone until Carrie meets you.