Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-07-2011, 09:31 PM
neonshadow neonshadow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
If you're just a nice playful boy toy for the moment, well....
I don't think I'm just some boy toy to her, and I do believe she has some really legitimate feelings towards me. I may have painted her a little too negatively by mistake. She is an amazing person with no ill will towards anyone. I just seem to be having an issue with her relationship lifestyle. I have tried acclimating myself to being in this poly relationship, but it just isn't working for me.

I'm up at night wondering, can this sort of thing work out if I want to live with her? Could we possibly have kids some day? Could we own a house together? Family type stuff. But when I think of other people in the relationship, that sort of stuff (things I've dreamed about) seem out of reach.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-07-2011, 10:14 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by neonshadow View Post
I'm up at night wondering, can this sort of thing work out if I want to live with her? Could we possibly have kids some day? Could we own a house together? Family type stuff. But when I think of other people in the relationship, that sort of stuff (things I've dreamed about) seem out of reach.
If she genuinely loves you, she'll listen with an open heart to your hopes and dreams. It's certainly possible that she can both love you and empathise with your hopes and dreams and not share these in common with you. If that be the case, it's sad for the both of you. You may not be able to make a life woven together. But you can still, of course, love one another as profound friends who have differing paths in life.

Please do not settle for less than you know you really need. It wouldn't be good for either of you if you did. - - - On the other hand, committing to a relationship always involves some sacrifice. Only you can discover what you can sacrifice and what you cannot. Your primary relationship is always with yourself. Love yourself. Share this love where you can; and give yourself entirely to love.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-07-2011, 10:17 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by neonshadow View Post
I don't think I'm just some boy toy to her, and I do believe she has some really legitimate feelings towards me. I may have painted her a little too negatively by mistake. She is an amazing person with no ill will towards anyone. I just seem to be having an issue with her relationship lifestyle. I have tried acclimating myself to being in this poly relationship, but it just isn't working for me.

I'm up at night wondering, can this sort of thing work out if I want to live with her? Could we possibly have kids some day? Could we own a house together? Family type stuff. But when I think of other people in the relationship, that sort of stuff (things I've dreamed about) seem out of reach.
Now you're in the meat and potatoes of the topic. Can you achieve your relationship goals (in the way you want to) with her? Factor in your families perception, your friends, your employer...all of these seem irrelevant when you are in NRE but when the dust settles from your passion, that's when they can surface again. Are you going to be ok introducing your girlfriend to your parents? What will you say when they ask where she is during a weekend getaway? Will you lie or will you be proud that your girlfriend can love you and others as well?
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-07-2011, 10:25 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by neonshadow View Post
Recently she informed me that she would be spending some time with one of her male partners (after hiding it from me in fear of making me upset).
Just how many partners does she have? How committed is she with any of them? Does she really love them? Does she really love you? If she loves you,
why is she concealing crucial information about her life from you? Because she fears you will be afraid? How good, then, is your communication with one another? How good can your love be if you are not communicating clearly?

Love, my friend, is intimacy, and care, and affection, and truth-telling, and vulnerability....

Does she love you?

I don't doubt that you love her. But you're going to have to find out if she is ready for love. Can she commit? Is she there for you? Find out.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-07-2011, 10:29 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Will you lie or will you be proud that your girlfriend can love you and others as well?
Yes! Nice one for a mono- guy! Good on ya, MonoVCPHG!
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-08-2011, 05:47 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

hi neonshadow. Mono is my monogamous boyfriend and together we have talked through this stuff at great length... from reading what you have written it seems that your girlfriend is a bit naive... and that is totally okay. She seems excited by the poly life she has created and wants you to be too. Maybe she just has never run in to someone that she loves and cares about that thinks differently than her.

When I met Mono we couldn't of been more different. He is military and I an activist. He is straight, was vanilla, monogamous.... me, I am pansexual, kinky as hell and poly. We were from different worlds entirely. I did the whole showing of pictures, being confused and upset when he had a hard time with things... he was frustrated, hurt, confused a lot of the time as I continued to express myself as in the only way I knew how. I was also confused, frustrated and hurt by his expression of himself in the only way he knew how.

The thing is that we were deeply in love and completely unable to give up on each other.... it has taken much time and A LOT of communicating of some really hard stuff to find a place of compromise. We will likely never find a place where we can have some boundaries around some stuff, but we do have some now that work.... the rest we compromise on... (you can read my blog for details). Compromise is just a fact of our relationship and many mono/poly relationships in general I think. Are you able to compromise with her? Is she able to with you? She will have to give up some of her freedom and you some of your need for her to be at your side only.

You raise some VERY important questions here.... family, house, marriage. Those are really big questions and I would look very closely at that. Mono and I have and are married, have kids, house, car, bike... etc. We have careers, aged parents that we are not beholden to in terms of their opinion meaning as much as it did when we were younger. We have been able to come together because those things are done and we are entering a different phase of life. This is working for us BECAUSE that is all covered. I doubt we would of even given each other time of day back in our early 20's Ya, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't of, let alone consider all the cultural norms that we could achieve together. It could very well be that she is just either not ready for all that, or never will be.

Good luck with your decision.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-08-2011, 06:49 AM
neonshadow neonshadow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default

This is all so very helpful. In just the past day, and reading some of this, I am finding out more about myself. And through answering some of those questions, I am realizing what is truly important to me and what I need out of my relationship.

Redpepper, your description of the two of you sounds very similar to she and I. Two different worlds completely.

I can't thank you all enough, I feel much better and less vulnerable.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:00 AM.