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  #1  
Old 07-07-2011, 06:36 PM
neonshadow neonshadow is offline
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Where to start;

I am a 23 yr old, straight, graduate student with huge artistic ambitions and a plethora of hobbies and interests. Recently I have met a girl with whom I am extremely happy. I feel so incredibly attracted to this girl physically, emotionally and intellectually. The first time we met, she informed me that she was poly, and I (not entirely understanding the gravity of the statement) didn't really have a problem with it. I have never personally identified myself as such and I think that is where the issues are starting to arise.

Over the course of our relationship, she has introduced me to one of her female partners. It makes me feel strange sharing time with them together, but it seemed like such a normalcy for her I pretty much ignored it and submerged my awkwardness toward the situation. Then she started sharing pictures of the two of them (some slightly sexual in nature), compounding the awkwardness.

Recently she informed me that she would be spending some time with one of her male partners (after hiding it from me in fear of making me upset). After finding this out, I decide to keep my communication with her to a minimum. I figured if she was with someone else, I wouldn't want to be a bother. This upset her greatly. The next day I received a page long text degrading me for neglecting her that day and being irrationally upset. I guess I was confused because I felt like if I talked to her while she was with him, then the inverse would occur when we are together. That thought stirred feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and even worthlessness for me.

She went on to explain how gender is negligible, and I shouldn't feel jealous, and how I'll get used to it, etc.. But this all sounded kind of selfish to me. Selfish in that, I never once asked her to not be poly and yet here she was telling me to be. Again, these problems seem to stem from my inexperience in the matters of both types of relationships.

It would seem that my feelings of awkwardness and jealousy would indicate that this sort of relationship is not for me, but does that mean that I have to give up and say good bye to a relationship with the first girl that I have ever really been in love with? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:07 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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She went on to explain how gender is negligible, .
Of course it is to her, that works in her favour and enables her to have more freedom. That doesn't make it your reality though. Even experienced poly people have issues around gender so don't sweat that too much.

Here is the main issue I have with how she wants things..she wants things on her terms without compromise. That is selfish in my opinion.

You found a way to cope with her being with a male partner by giving her space and withdrawing a bit. That is the compromise. She then degrades you for giving her the space to do something you're not comfortable with?? WTF.

There's no reason to quit immediately on the relationship but you need to sit down with her and tell her what you need. What she needs is pretty clear..freedom to see who ever she wants and not have you withdaw when she is with another partner. Tall order to ask someone who only wants her. She needs to realize life is not about getting everything you want...that's a toddler's reality and mindset, not an adult's.

Don't give up too soon...talk and compromise might enable you to enjoy each other for a much longer time. Of course if you are not healthy and truly do not want to share a partner with someone else then bail ASAP and find a person who expresses love in the same way you do.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:29 PM
neonshadow neonshadow is offline
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Wow, that was incredibly helpful. You pointed out some things I did not realize. I really felt like I was doing something wrong, but now I see what you're saying about the withdrawing. It definitely made it easier to cope and still feel strongly about her. Now I must ask myself the hard questions, as you have also pointed out. My biggest fear is that, I won't have the backbone or resolve to evade this relationship for another one, should I find that it is not emotionally healthy for me.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:35 PM
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My biggest fear is that, I won't have the backbone or resolve to evade this relationship for another one, should I find that it is not emotionally healthy for me.

If you do decide you can't do this....


Staying in an unhealthy realtionship has little to do with how much back bone you have...it has a lot to do with feeling like you can't do any better. That is a self confidence and self worth issue.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:36 PM
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but does that mean that I have to give up and say good bye to a relationship with the first girl that I have ever really been in love with? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.
You're in love with her?! That's freaking huge, really?! If so, tell her. Tell her so. And if she treats that like an ice cream cone of the moment, run -- run fast. Run hard. Get away. You deserve better than to be someone's freaking ice cream cone of the moment (ICCOTM).
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:49 PM
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Even experienced poly people have issues around gender so don't sweat that too much.

.
By not sweating this, I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't investigate the reasons for the gender difference. You can overcome a lot of things through understanding yourself.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:46 PM
neonshadow neonshadow is offline
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Staying in an unhealthy realtionship has little to do with how much back bone you have...it has a lot to do with feeling like you can't do any better. That is a self confidence and self worth issue.
That is a great point, and more accurately describes how I feel.

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You're in love with her?!
I find myself more fond of her than anyone I have ever known for many reasons.

I'm beginning to feel though, that I should find someone that expresses love the same way I do. I'm having a really difficult time with the poly the way she wants it.

Although leaving would be hard for me, because I want to think she feels just as strongly for me as I do her. I just don't want to walk away from that.

Grrrr... human affections.. lol
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:54 PM
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Although leaving would be hard for me, because I want to think she feels just as strongly for me as I do her. I just don't want to walk away from that.
If you're just a nice playful boy toy for the moment, well.... But you can look her in the eyes? I dare you! Look her in the eyes and ask her if she really loves you. If she doesn't convince you that she does, get out of town.
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Last edited by River; 07-07-2011 at 08:57 PM.
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Old 07-07-2011, 09:03 PM
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I'm having a really difficult time with the poly the way she wants it.
I don't know this gal, or what's going on with her and you. But I do know that some people don't know how to love, and some of them call themselves "polyamorous," but they're really poly-sexual. Now, there's nothing bad or wrong with being poly-sexual, but that's not polyamory. You see? Polyamory is about love, which involves -- among other things -- real commitment to one another. And the other crucial -- central -- part is real love.

Sadly, too many of us humans don't know what real love is. It is profound care for the other. Simple as that. The other is not a resource, you see. Not a mine to be mined. But a person to be loved. (Mine pun acknowledged and appreciated.)
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Old 07-07-2011, 09:08 PM
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Some people behave the way they do because nobody has ever asked them to do something differently. Since you care for her so much, it would be good for both of you to offer her an alternative way of behaving, one that givers her the chance to show you more compassion and caring than she has so far.

But if you keep a calm head and tell her how you feel and what you want and she still dismisses it and acts as if you have to do poly her way or no way, I would hit the road too. You certainly deserve to have any partner, whether poly or not, willing to take your feelings into account.
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