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  #41  
Old 06-28-2011, 07:34 PM
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I don't know what to say right now, you guys, but I just wanted to say thank you (very much!) for your insight and input. I've read what you wrote and I'm... processing. Or something.

And now I've gotta wrestle my brain off this issue so I can concentrate on my homework and get ready for literature class tonight.
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  #42  
Old 06-28-2011, 08:46 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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All of the previous posts were much better worded than anything I could say.

I just did want to add two things. For me, my most recent experience with nonmonogamy didn't cause problems in my relationship but most certainly shined a big 'ol spotlight on the weak spots. Also on the weak spots in my own relationship with myself. Without that spotlight I really could have gone on for a long time just spackling over the holes and ignoring problems until it all blew up and I didn't know what happened. How sad would that have been? So I look at it as an opportunity-- to work on and build the relationship so that it is so much stronger and more fulfilling. At one point I realized that my fear of losing it was getting in the way of doing some of the work. And really, if by being honest and communicating we realize it doesn't work... should we have pretended it would that much longer?

Secondly, with regard to condoms and feeling... I agree with the suggestion to do some masturbation with the condom on. I recommend using a lighter grip than perhaps normal during masturbation. One problem for many men and women is that they get used to a particular type of stimulation or particular type of pressure and without that they are unable to orgasm. The good thing is that we can all train ourselves to come in a myriad of ways, and to do that you just need to practice-- which is fun in and of itself!

Another suggestion is to put a drop or two of lube inside the condom, that seems to help a lot.

He might also want to investigate Tantra... more for the breathing than anything else. With orgasm in general, what you do with your breathing and your brain can make a big difference in whether you do or don't have orgasmsm, and the quality of those orgasms.

It might not feel "natural" at first because it's new... but just experimenting and trying things for a while you might find some new and different ways to enjoy yourselves.
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  #43  
Old 07-07-2011, 05:31 PM
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Well hello again. I started typing a long reply to each of you, but never finished it.

I think I'm still feeling a little clobbered about the head as far as this whole condoms issue. I get it, though, I do. It's just not something I'd ever put a whole lot of thought into, since I've only been in two long term relationships and fully expected both of those to be life-long, monogamous ones.

Romeo and I are doing well, I think. I'm continuing to urge him to share his feelings with me, good or bad, whether or not he thinks they'll hurt me. He has this tendency (well, I guess we both have the same tendency) to avoid saying anything that might hurt my feelings, to the point that he'll cover up his own feelings. My therapist pointed out that we both are very protective of one another's feelings, and that Romeo has a very non-confrontational personality, while I'm much more assertive, so what tends to happen is that Romeo will say something very vague and maybe metaphorical, and when I swoop in with very direct, pointed questions to clarify, he backs down, feeling attacked. It's something we both need to work on, but I think we're getting better.

He was able to tell me the other day that he was thinking about moving out, but when we discussed it further, it turned out that he really just wanted to feel like he had the freedom to pursue more spur-of-the-moment, possibly more casual sexual encounters, and he felt like with our current arrangement, that wasn't possible. The outcome of the discussion was a realization that we have two different goals in this poly thing. He wants to be able to flirt with a girl at a bar and see where it goes from there, while I want something more long term.

I think we can work with that, though. If what he needs is a more casual exploration, I'm OK with that. He ended up saying he doesn't want to move out after all. He definitely doesn't want to move into his parents house, and he really can't afford to live on his own unless he were to maybe rent a bedroom in somebody's house. We've got a pretty solid system going financially between the two of us, so we're going to leave that going as is for the time being.

So, as far as Knight. I was actually getting a little concerned recently that he was starting to pull away. He wasn't returning my text messages as quickly or as often as he used to, and I felt like I was initiating contact more often than not and more often than before. Turns out there were a couple of factors going into that. First, he wasn't feeling well. He's been fighting a cold or something, and now he's got a stomach bug of some kind, so he's been trying to rest and recover and stuff. Second, he's been thinking that... what was it he said? I can't remember the exact words, but basically, he said that he felt like the sexual aspect of our relationship was adding a certain pressure that he didn't want, and that he really just needed affection more than sex anyway. I was a little worried that was "guy code" or something for "you suck in bed", but he assures me that isn't the case.

So... what else? Oh, our test results came back. All clear. Big relief. If/when Knight and I go back to having sex, though, it'll be with condoms. Romeo and I have been using condoms since the day Knight and I didn't use one, but we might go back to not using them now that the results are in. It's up to Romeo, since it's mainly for his protection at this point, since I'm the only one who has an additional relationship. He's already getting antsy about using them, though, so I'm anticipating that he'll decide to quit using them soon.

Have I left anything out? It's been over a week since I last posted, and it feels like it's been so long. Thank you again, nycindie, opalescent, SNeacail, and minxxa for all the helpful input, advice, support and tough love. I really appreciate it.
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  #44  
Old 07-10-2011, 06:52 PM
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O... K... I'm confused now. I just noticed that Knight updated his facebook status yesterday to "in a relationship" with his ex. He hasn't said a word to me about it. I don't know if this means he's trying to be in a relationship with both of us, or...

I'm not sure what to make of it, but this sure would be a convenient explanation for his recent withdrawal.

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  #45  
Old 07-10-2011, 07:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vixtresses View Post
So... what else? Oh, our test results came back. All clear. Big relief. If/when Knight and I go back to having sex, though, it'll be with condoms. Romeo and I have been using condoms since the day Knight and I didn't use one, but we might go back to not using them now that the results are in. It's up to Romeo, since it's mainly for his protection at this point, since I'm the only one who has an additional relationship. He's already getting antsy about using them, though, so I'm anticipating that he'll decide to quit using them soon.
I believe the tests do not reveal any STIs that may have been very recent, so you should still keep using condoms and get tested again in another 3 months or so.
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  #46  
Old 07-11-2011, 09:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I believe the tests do not reveal any STIs that may have been very recent, so you should still keep using condoms and get tested again in another 3 months or so.
I think you're right about the tests not revealing recent infection, but I think we're fine. Unless Knight lied to me about his sexual history and habit of test results, though, we should be safe - Knight's and my test came back negative, and his previous tests (given his habit of testing every six months even while celibate) were always negative, so there's no reason for either of us to have contracted any STI from one another. I'm not worried.

In other news, Knight and I talked today, and he said he doesn't want to do this anymore, so we're no longer exploring a relationship beyond friendship. We're on decent terms, although I'm a little pissy that he waited until after announcing his relationship with his ex to the world to tell me about it. I understand, though. He was wary of hurting me.

Anyway... I'm feeling a little sheepish about this whole thing right now. I think we moved way fast, and got way stupid. Lessons learned. (YES, I've got the condoms lesson down pat. Any future outside relationships WILL involve condoms, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.)

I'm kind of attracted to another guy, but I think I'll give it a rest and just focus on school and my relationship with Romeo for a while. He's attracted to a girl right now, and I think it's best to let things progress on his side of things without hopping around from guy to guy on my side of things. Besides, this gives us an opportunity to work on those weak spots illuminated by this whole thing.
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Old 07-12-2011, 02:24 PM
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I'm kinda bummed today. I feel like texting or calling Knight, but I'm not sure what the point would be. I'm disappointed it didn't work out, but I guess I'm not surprised, and even if he hadn't ended things, I think I would have. Things kind of quit "clicking" between us at some point between my brother's freak out and our condomless fuck up. I guess we screwed it up. Or maybe it just wouldn't have worked anyway, given his remaining feelings for his staunchly mono ex (well, not ex anymore).

I feel bad that his girlfriend dislikes me now, without even knowing me. I have something of an urge to try and reach out to her, to try and reassure her that I respect her relationship with him and I'm not going to try and push any boundaries, but I don't think that would help anything. Knight says he'd like us to still be friends, just sort of go back to where we were before this whole thing. I'd like that, too, but I think I should stay away for a bit, to try and let things settle.

He says his girlfriend is fine with us hanging out as long as boundaries are respected. I wish I could talk to her directly, though. I have a feeling she's really not comfortable with me being in his life at all, and is trying to be tolerant for his sake. I guess it's not my business. I can only go by what he tells me. It's not like I know her.
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Old 07-12-2011, 04:51 PM
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I'm sorry things did not work out with Knight. I would have been irked by the Facebook post too. I don't get how a public announcement via Facebook would hurt you less than talking to you first.

The former ex not liking you is not your problem. It's hers. You can offer to speak with her to clear the air via Knight. Then it's up to her. But you certainly don't have to do this. Besides as time goes on, and you act like a friend around Knight and not a lover, she'll probably get over it.

You should give yourself a pat on the back, even though I doubt you much feel like it. Yes, mistakes were made. But you didn't shy away from looking at them closely, figuring out what happened, talking things over, and making changes. You'll make mistakes again but I bet they won't be the same mistakes. Lots of people much, much older than you never figure this out. Someone really smart told me that the point of life is not to avoid failure or never make mistakes, but to learn from the ones you do make, and to grow from the experience.
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  #49  
Old 07-13-2011, 03:28 AM
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Yeah... it would have felt a bit less unfair, I think, if I'd not found out on Facebook.

You're right about the former ex. I've already extended the olive branch through Knight. Whether the message gets through, or whether it's well received is not up to me. I'll let it be.

I don't know how I'm going to act like a friend around Knight. I was soo tempted to talk to him today. About what, I don't know. There was no point. Contacting him under that mindset wouldn't be contacting him as a friend, it'd be reaching out for the connection that was lost.

No kidding, I really don't feel like patting myself on the back. I feel like crap. I felt OK when he told me, I felt OK afterwards, but the sense of loss is creeping in.

I went jogging tonight to try and get my mind off things, or at least to DO something instead of sitting and thinking... Knight sent me a message on facebook while I was out, with a sort of apology in the form of a link to Jason Mraz' Absolutely Zero. And the floodgates opened, the tears just started running.

OK, so I guess I'm hurt. Or it's the loss that hurts. Or... I don't know. Something hurts. I guess I need to heal before I can go do the friend thing.
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Old 07-13-2011, 05:21 PM
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In other news, Romeo is really crushing on his crush right now. I need to pay attention to how I feel about that, which is kind of difficult in the wake of the whole Knight thing.

He really wants to date her. He's getting some feedback from her that he thinks means she's into him, but he thinks she's wary of the situation (relationship with me, open sort of relationship, implications that she's going to play second fiddle or something). He mentioned that he thought maybe it would help if I talked to her to sort of give her the "OK", but I don't know how that'll come across. I like her, and I definitely approve of her for Romeo, but she and I don't talk much, so I think it'd be kind of weird to just pop up out of the blue and say "Hey, btw, it's totally OK if you date my boyfriend!" I mean, what if he's mis-reading her signals and she isn't actually into him? Double weird!!

Plus I don't want to come across as pushy or domineering (which, admittedly, I can be - I do exert a certain amount of control over Romeo's life, but this is not against his will and he absolutely DOES have an equal say-so... he just tends not to utilize it) and look like I'm trying to mold their relationship for them. So... so far I haven't done anything.

On the one hand, I'm still sort of reeling (maybe not quite reeling... that's a really strong word. This is more a quiet ache) from the whole Knight thing, so I am inclined to wait until I'm "over it", but on the other hand, what happens if I wait? They could still progress on their own, just without my involvement. I think I'd like to be involved enough to reassure myself that I'm still important to Romeo. That's my only concern; that Romeo and I are still together. I told him the other day that to me, he is family. I elaborated on that today and said that even if our relationship ended, I would still be there for him as support in whatever capacity he needed. I would like to be that important to Romeo also, but obviously that simply is or is not. It's not something I can cause to come to pass by any specific action on my part.

It's weird to think about Romeo's new crush while recovering from mine. Haven't quite untangled my feelings enough to decipher them.
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