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  #11  
Old 07-06-2011, 08:33 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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sorry hit submit and not preview

Things and dialog not covered yesterday ....couple things that happen down the road...

A good conversation would have been the one in which I confronted her on The feeling I was getting that our time/dates and even sex was being done out a sense of fairness or obligation. The bad part was I was told it was me ...I'm looking for the negative .etc ... when in fact its quite common. Others here admit they've done the same thing. I posted about at the time.

The other conversation of note would be about primary status. She made a comment about me being her "primary" and she thought that was something I wanted or needed to hear and would be a comfort to me ...or something. She didn't count on my rejection of that status or notion and the subsequent shift in attitude and responsibility as I saw my new role. In the end she my have had a primary (her) secondary (dick) ...that's his name ....and a tertiary (me).
I don't know where the kids and dogs fit in .... Again an entire tread on that topic.

look forward to the discussion D
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  #12  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:29 PM
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DH, the scenario you posted doesn't really look like a conversation to me, where two people are simply and honestly expressing themselves, hearing each other, and connecting. It just looks like someone being steamrolled. And your last sentences (in your first post of this thread) take a jab at poly in general, as if anyone who has chosen poly for themselves has done so out of boredom or some trivial reason. You have discussed your situation in the past, although we have not seen an update, and it is easy to see that you are still bitter and angry about it. Calling it a Restless Heart is very poetic but does not disguise your pain. Now, anyone who read your story before knows that polyamory is not the source of the problems in your marriage. Have you and your wife sought help to rectify and heal the deeper issues? I don't mean the BDSM stuff; I mean what was at the heart of her dishonesty and sneakiness, how you were affected, and other issues. I know you were focused on your daughter (and rightly so) but the tone of your original post would indicate that the hurt and damage is still deeply felt by you, so perhaps it is time to shift the focus a bit and heal your marriage, and the woundedness you both feel. I feel for you... where are you in that process?
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-07-2011 at 04:26 AM.
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  #13  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
DH, the scenario you posted doesn't really look like a conversation to me, where two people are really expressing themselves, hearing each other, and connecting. It just looks like someone being steamrolled. And your last sentences take a jab at poly in general, as if anyone who has chosen poly for themselves has done so out of boredom or some trivial reason. You have discussed your situation in the past, although we have not seen an update, and it is easy to see that you are still bitter and angry about it. Now, anyone who read your story before knows that polyamory is not the source of the problems in your marriage. Have you and your wife sought help to rectify and heal the deeper issues?
Ditto, it seemed to me the biggest offense of hers was the BDSM she was involved in, not the poly so much. Was she really saying she is into that and wasn't able to say so for some reason? Perhaps because you would react?
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  #14  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:52 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Mono


BrigidsDaughter

Thanks ...Except the first couple of years.....why the first couple of years? What do you mean 9 yrs emotionally mono? ....a little pregnant comes to mind.


The
The first couple of years we were teenagers and still in high school. We didn't know any other way of doing relationships. We actually discovered open relationships about a week after we got married, ironically.

I say that I was emotionally mono for 9 years because while I had physical relationships and FWB situations and was always open to more; it took 9 years for someone besides Runic Wolf to touch that side of me that deeply. And there were a couple of years after Runic Wolf's first poly experience ended badly, that I did want him all to myself. Someone had hurt my husband badly and shattered his confidence and I felt it was partially my responsibility to help him rebuild it.
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  #15  
Old 07-06-2011, 10:00 PM
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I'd have to agree with nycindie, that this doesn't seem like a conversation, but more of a you got told. Now I have to admit that in the beginning, Runic Wolf and I didn't communicate the best, but we always made an attempt and I, sometimes, had to go back and explain what I'd heard and responded to in writing because I communicate better that way.
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  #16  
Old 07-07-2011, 02:42 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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nycindie,

So what your saying is you've never read stories with these elements of commonality? You need to read the new to poly section.

What about the 3-4 people who posted before you who did identify with the concept and conversation. ???

Because you and your husband came to this forum from a mutual perspective why do you want to debate my word "conversation" or rather belittle it as not connected or honest ....etc.
So what do you say to Carma ? was her conversations not connected or honest ... What do you say to Carma's husband and Bf?

I'm sure your conversations with your husband and other partner or partners are connected and honest and authentic....so if or when restless heart syndrome rears its ugly head you can write the details then.

It seems at times you and others here just look for things to be offend by. The last two sentences... which sentences..

This topic and the "poetic name" which I heard came up sitting around a camp fire discussing someone's current relationship situation. During that conversation 7 year itch, roving eye ... were used.

Yes my wife has sought help ....quite expensive help I might add.

My personal aftermath story is off topic.....so if are truly interested in that PM me.


RP

Ditto see above..... also Carma's comments

Her biggest Offense ....really ....that's a very enlightened arm chair view.
I'm really surprised you want to weigh in like this ...knowing what you know.

Isn't your whole relationship with mono more or less predicated on the RHS (Restless Heart Syndrome).... "at some point we know this will end" ????

The concept of serial cheater using poly for cover has been discussed to death ....so why is what I said so untrue or inaccurate.

Carma

Thank you VERY VERY much for your comments. I wish others would chime in.

I wasn't try to "cast" bad light I was trying to be accurate ....good or bad ...I did take out the foul language I'm sure I used in those "conversations" or talks. Talks is better right ...cindie

Thanks D
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  #17  
Old 07-07-2011, 04:44 PM
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I do know what you're talking about DH. I've seen a number of people post here for whom this is their introduction to the world of poly. I'm glad it wasn't my experience. It's hard enough when things are changing and you're both on the same page as being internally non-monogamous. It must really feel like a blindside if you're not in the same place internally.

You're still hurting deeply from this, aren't you? A lot of what you write sounds very angry.
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  #18  
Old 07-07-2011, 05:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I was refering specifically to the senario of one spouse saying "I'm poly and have always been this way, and this is how things are going to be...". Just the whole one-sided ness of that type of statement doesn't sound like it comes from a healthy relationship to start with. There's no denying that even in healthy relationships thing can get turned upside down and ass backwards very quickly.
It was presented as speculation, so I piped in to say I have seen it happen. In that exact scenario. Also seen it happen in online stories. Repeatedly.

When people are fearful, they can deny things for many years. Sometimes a lifetime before they admit it to themselves or others. That why they can be in a healthy marriage, as neither party has outward admittance of it.

The trouble is, people can also THINK they were a certain way in hindsight, as they pick and choose what they want to see. Those ones tend to have some instability.

*******
I think it would be wise of people to acknowledge, the darker side of poly. Rather then dismissing what Dingedheart says, due to his personal issue.

Seeing/admitting the darker side of poly, and the emotional toll it takes, can only help well-meaning people do better, and think before they act.
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  #19  
Old 07-07-2011, 05:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
nycindie,

So what your saying is you've never read stories with these elements of commonality? You need to read the new to poly section.

What about the 3-4 people who posted before you who did identify with the concept and conversation. ???

. . . why do you want to debate my word "conversation" or rather belittle it as not connected or honest ....etc.
So what do you say to Carma ? was her conversations not connected or honest ... What do you say to Carma's husband and Bf?

. . . It seems at times you and others here just look for things to be offend by. The last two sentences... which sentences..
You misunderstand me. Sure, some elements of the conversation you posted in the first message may be common to other couples. What I was saying is that it wasn't really sounding like a conversation where two people are listening and negotiating with each other, nor connecting in a heartfelt way about something that is a major shift in a relationship. I felt sad reading it.

I was not belittling the conversation, nor taking issue with the word "conversation." I was pointing out where I could see how unfair it would feel to be on the receiving end of that kind of talk. If that is how the conversation went between you and your wife, who approached you about being non-monogamous, your posted scenario sounded more like you were steamrolled and told what you would have to accept. That is what I was saying. You were being talked at, and not really listened to. There was no give and take nor compassion for your position in what you wrote. Obviously, I was not alone in seeing it that way. Before my response, Carma posted, "Wow I hope my husband doesn't read this. It casts everything in the worst light." Your pain is palpable in the scenario you posted. As I said, I feel for you.

Other people have their opinions, I have mine. My post was not meant to negate anyone else's. I simply shared how I perceived what you wrote here. And what I perceived was lots of anger and bitterness being broadcast. This is in the General Discussions forum, and so I am participating in the discussion.

In addition, I was not offended at all by anything in it. Being offended is a choice -- a stranger on the internet doesn't have the power to do that to me. I only pointed out how saying, "Do people find poly..... out of boredom, or narcissistic ...self entitlement . . ." looked to me like another way your bitterness about everything was being expressed, because it made it sound like poly is a way to use people. I have no problem with you saying that. Some people do use poly as an excuse for other behaviors. But not every situation is so manipulative and full of such deep, deep pain.

The basic gist of my reply was to say that your pain and anger comes across loud and clear, and that I feel compassion for you if that is how the conversations went for you.

I also posted that response to say that the way you depicted that conversation sounded like you were identifying the need to be non-monogamous as the main problem for a relationship, but that isn't necessarily the case. Your situation was a disaster, and not really what anyone would want from poly. If a relationship is strong and the two people are honest and ethical about approaching non-monogamy, which your wife was NOT (and anyone can read your threads to see why not), poly can not only work but also bring people closer and enhance what they have, as has been seen here many times.

I am very glad she is in therapy. It sounds like you still have much unresolved anger and bitterness toward her, though, so I hope you are finding something therapeutic for yourself as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Because you and your husband came to this forum from a mutual perspective . . . I'm sure your conversations with your husband and other partner or partners are connected and honest and authentic....so if or when restless heart syndrome rears its ugly head you can write the details then.
FYI, I am separated and embracing poly as a solo person. My soon-to-be ex-husband is not a member here. But yes, I try to be as open and honest as I can in my conversations with lovers and anyone I am close to. I have taken numerous workshops in communication over the course of 20+ years, and made enough blunders in expressing myself, to have learned that really listening to someone is often the biggest challenge for many people. We all tend to want our agenda and have to put that aside to truly hear what someone else wants, absorb it, and be considerate about it. I don't think you were really considered enough in that scenario, so I hope things have improved for you.

The term Restless Heart Syndrome doesn't make sense to me in a poly situation, maybe you can explain what you mean by it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-07-2011 at 06:06 PM.
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  #20  
Old 07-07-2011, 05:54 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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There should be a thread about the darker side of poly because i agree that there is a panacea attitude that poly just means more love and how can you go wrong with more love? While there is all kinds of stuff that the other partner is supposed to suck up and deal with (even if they are also poly-minded) because it's all about more love so how could that be a bad thing.

People do the most wretched things in the name of "love".

But a thread about it - that would be too pessimistic, wouldn't it?
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