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Old 10-14-2009, 11:30 PM
polishguy polishguy is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7
Question newcomer asking for some advice

Hi,

I will say that I am new to the whole concept of polyamory, at least when it comes to me. I would describe myself as a "mono" who recently entered a serious relationship with a polyamorous woman who does not live in the same city.

I am asking some advice as I know very well my problem: insecurity. First this insecurity comes from my youth; years abuse of verbal, physical and sexual nature left me a being a shy person with low self-esteem. It took me years to be able to function in society in a manner that seems normal. But I still feel fear about disappointing or not being good enough all the time (and not just regarding relationships), though I am somewhat good at not letting it show too much.

We have an incredible relationship, extremely open and honest and we can frankly talk about anything, without judgment on either side. And she has been very forthcoming about her desires and I am quite accepting of them, because in the end, I know she cares deeply about me, as I care about her.

Now, it is important to also know I do not seek to control, manipulate or otherwise force her to make a choice in any way. I only know that would make her miserable and I would hate myself for it.

The irrational part of me fears a little that I will cease to be exciting or that she would pick someone over me however. I admitted to her that I am a little jealous about her going to visit someone, especially after a comment about looking forward to getting laid. Now, understand that I am not the violent type or the green eyed monster type that throws tantrums. I got angry twice in the last 16 years of living on my own (and for very justified reasons). I also do not want her to hide anything from me. Our entire relationship is based on truth and honesty. But part of me fears that I would say something misplaced or even hurtful to her. I have shared with her some of my fears as well and she reassures me that I am a fabulous and amazing person that treats her exceptionally well. What she calls flaws in herself, I call endearing. She also reassures me that the sex we have is off the charts so that I have nothing to fear or worry in that department. While she did not expect to enter a serious relationship for a long time (she recently got divorced), our relationship has progressed to the point she is happy to call me her boyfriend, so I guess I would be what you call her "primary".

Now, I know some of you might think of suggesting "well, why don't you try the poly thing too?". Just understand I am not very outgoing around strangers or people I do not know very well, and it takes herculean effort on my side to make a *move*. Once I get to know someone, I am totally okay with letting down my guard. It took on my side a lot of courage just to let this woman know that I was interested in her. I also know that I am free to try it, as she says she would be very happy to share me with another woman (with or without her being involved). And while I don't say it would be impossible that it happens, I think myself more towards the monogamous side (barring a threesome with another woman).

Again, I know most of these fears are completely irrational and unfounded and she has my total trust, but do you have any advice on how to deal with these fears I have.

JT
aka PolishGuy
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