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  #301  
Old 07-05-2011, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I'm personally not sure why saying one doesn't see casual sex as poly would be a negative. I don't see casual sex as polyamory in itself. It's also not monogamy. It's not a bad thing.
I only base it on my understanding that polyamory means several loves, and that casual sex means sex without love. That's why I said friends with benefits for instance were different because you love your friends.

Maybe some people have a different definition of polyamory, casual sex or both, and it becomes offensive to them? To me it's not an insult to casual sex or to polyamory to say they're different sides of a coin (nonmonogamy. Although seeing the chart, it's more a polyhedral dice than a coin). I don't think saying "this is poly" legitimizes anything and as a result I don't think saying "it isn't poly" is an insult either.

Is it possible within a poly relationship? Totally. Does it make a relationship poly by itself? I don't personally think so.

Other people do have definitions I disagree with. For instance the "cheating isn't poly" thing. I disagree with the idea that the second there is cheating, it can't be poly. It doesn't make it poly, either. For me, poly isn't a judgment, it's an orientation, and just like you can cheat in straight, gay, bi, ace relationships, you can cheat in mono or poly relationships, too.
To me, this "cheating makes things not poly" thing reeks of wanting to appear all nice and pure, and it makes us look less serious. If you deny anyone you think isn't doing things the right way by saying "they're not poly!" it looks like you want to pretend poly folks are better than mono folks or something.

I understand that poly also defines the relationship, but when applied to the person, it's an orientation, and it means someone who can be in love with more than one. Having casual sex or cheating (the first one being something I consider neutral, the second one negative, just to make sure I'm not misunderstood) don't change that.
If you love one but have plenty of casual sex, you're monoamorous but not monogamous. If you love many but have a single relationship, you're polyamorous but monogamous.

And if you love many, have open relationships with them, AND cheats or have casual sex, you are polyamorous and in a poly relationship (which we really should reclaim the polygamous word for as it would be much less confusing).

And if you love many, only openly have a relationship with one of them and cheats with someone else you love and/or have casual sex on the side, you're polyamorous in a non-monogamous, but not necessarily poly relationship. Because the relationship is defined by all its partners, so I do agree in this case it's based on agreements by everyone.
However the relationship might still be poly if you're allowed to have other relationships (but in the case of cheating, still have them behind your partner's back for some reason, or in the case of casual sex, just don't have any at the moment).

Anyway, I think I've explained my position in detail now. Of course not everyone is going to agree, but I hope they at least don't feel that I'm judging people who have casual sex. (I do think cheating is a negative thing because it hurts people, but that doesn't mean I'll go around blaming people for it destructively either).
Gets a little complicated for me as I'm new to this but there are definitely some good concepts in here for me. I particularly agree with this statement:

"That's why I said friends with benefits for instance were different because you love your friends."

When I was coming of age, I wanted to be able to express my attraction and my sexual feelings for many of my friends. It didn't make sense to me that this wasn't how things were done. I had friends that were close and I loved them and wanted to share my sexual feelings with them. This idea just seems so natural, I just couldn't understand that this wasn't how it was done.

This was beyond casual sex too as these were close friends that I really cared about and loved, although maybe not on a primary level. Guess maybe I've been a little poly all along.
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  #302  
Old 07-05-2011, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by River View Post
There are differing reasons people choose polyfidelity, and one of them is a very practical health reason: STDs. And that's valid.

And some of us -- myself included -- only engage in sexual relating with persons we open ourselves up with heart-and-soul, so the word "casual" about sex just seems wrong. How could something as obviously radically intimate as sex not involve the hearts and souls of the persons engaging in it?

That said, I think it is entirely possible to have truly wonderful and enriching sexual experiences with persons one is not committed to in a long term relationship. I've had that experience, and it was a LOVING experience, and not just a cheap form of "casual" recreation.

As a bi man, I'm deeply saddened by the extreme level of availability of cheap, insincere, meaningless and heartless "casual" sex in the "gay community," and the very low level of availability of heartfull, soulfull and loving contact. Truly, I think most "casual sex" is the plaything of cowards, and I respect courage -- my own and that of others. Loving requires courage; in this world it does. Sex almost always involves opening some orifice or another to another. I just think the heart should also be opened when this is going on, and that not doing so causes suffering and pain.
Good morning River!

I had plenty of casual sex when I was young. Looking back, I think it was based primarly on hormones and physical attraction. I think I was literally "in heat" due to my testosterone levels at that time. Knowing that, I don't think casual sex is either brave or cowardly, it is just hormonal and what the person needs at the time.

I do agree though that there is bravery in committing to a relationship. I also think poly people must be the bravest of all. They really put a lot on the line for what they believe in. I have a new girlfriend and we just agreed to have an open relationship. This is the first of such I've had in maybe 35 years or so, and fully honest and open from the start. It will be her first, so I hope we can make this a good experience for both of us.

Although this is what I really wanted, I have to admit that I am a little scared too. I am hoping that two or three years down the line we are both happy we made this decision, and decided to take this journey together.
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  #303  
Old 07-05-2011, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I posted here in early April all excited at how I was going to attempt to try my second ever casual sex relationship - where I thought this guy was nice and I enjoyed his company but I really didn't imagine any romantic feelings happening, and not even sure a friendship would come out of it.

I didn't and don't think I'd consider casual sex relationships not to be poly unless I was going in refusing to let anything happen other than sex. I don't think you have to love all of your partners (whether serious or FWB relationships) in order for them to qualify as poly relationships, just to care about them. Just because it translates as "many loves" doesn't mean you have to in order to be really poly after all. It is also defined as ethical non-monogamy, and even casual sex with somebody you'll never see again falls under that umbrella if it follows your agreements with other partners. Having said that, I have totally contradicted the first sentence of this paragraph - but how I want to be poly excludes many things that can be viewed as poly. All that means is that TO ME I wouldn't consider having sex with somebody I wasn't open to caring about poly, but if somebody else wanted to consider it poly for them, I really shouldn't argue.

I just try to stay aware that everybody has their own ideas of what polyamory is for them. It doesn't make what I think or how I want to live right just because it is what's right for me. It does mean I have a right to choose my own path, and not let people tell me I am wrong because it isn't their path.

I am very glad that I didn't stop myself from attempting to try my definition of casual sex - I really have grown to like this person, and it has been interesting to watch feelings change, and I don't really consider this a casual sex relationship anymore. It is nice to see that everything doesn't have to be so black and white.
I'm happy for you that your casual sex has turned into more!
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  #304  
Old 07-05-2011, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
sex is a very healing act.
Agreed 100%. There isn't much in life that restores emotional balance like sex with someone you love and trust, be it a close friend or your life partner.
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  #305  
Old 07-05-2011, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Snowdancer View Post
Agreed 100%. There isn't much in life that restores emotional balance like sex with someone you love and trust, be it a close friend or your life partner.
Oh, sex can definitely be healing even if it's with someone you don't know very well or love yet - believe me! In Western society, where we're all so touch-deprived, the physical act of connecting with another human being in such an intimate way can do wonders! It's the intention that I think is most important. If someone was intent on just getting their jollies with no regard for my feelings, that would feel like crap. But if two people who don't know each other well are intent on exploring joy, sensuality, connection, and satisfaction in one another's bodies, hell yeah! I don't need a commitment or to know someone extremely well for that, but I do agree about the trust - that should def be there. I often have a sense that I can trust someone who is totally new in my life (thanks to my woman's intuition - which is usually right!). I'm not into anonymous sex with strangers, but casual sex with new people, well, let's just say I rarely ever waited 'til the "third date" (and usually don't wait 'til the second, either).

I am a member of the New York Sluts, after all!
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-05-2011 at 03:07 PM.
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  #306  
Old 07-06-2011, 02:02 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post

I am a member of the New York Sluts, after all!
Damn straight! Runic Wolf and I were having sex for about a month before out first actual date.
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  #307  
Old 07-06-2011, 03:02 AM
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Damn straight! Runic Wolf and I were having sex for about a month before out first actual date.
LOL, BrigidsDaughter, I did not forget you are a member, too!
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  #308  
Old 07-06-2011, 03:12 AM
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I love the quote in your signature, nycindie. I have always struggled with the idea of being "well behaved".
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  #309  
Old 04-19-2013, 03:00 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Default The desire for casual sex

How many of you have been or are swingers? Were you swingers before you became poly? Or did you try swinging after you discovered you were a poly person?

If you're in a successful poly relationship, do you still have desires to have casual, no strings sex with others? Or do you keep yourself now to only your poly partners?

I'm finding that I'm not really interested in sexual relationships outside of my husband and my boyfriend. It might be NRE, but I know that when I had NRE with my husband, I was still sexually drawn to other men. Now that I have two people I love, I feel completed and have no real interest in sex with other people. Was wondering if other people have experienced this as well. . .
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  #310  
Old 04-19-2013, 03:12 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Not so much casual sex as casual cuddling/make outs. Soft swinging could fit as a term, but for me it simply means I have friends I'm very affectionate with but am not trying to develop much beyond friendship with. I have two partners I have sex with but still enjoy kissing/curling up with others, just not getting into the complications of going beyond that usually. I could actually be quite happy simply focusing solely on my wife sexually, but it's nice being able to interact with so many others.
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