Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-05-2011, 05:02 AM
Syl's Avatar
Syl Syl is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4

Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
I don't think they're using it as a crutch. I think they're really confused and probably not ready to be in any relationship of a long-term sort. Seems like they might love you, but it doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic for you.

This might sound harsh, but if I were with someone for only 5 months and went through all of what you wrote, I'd be looking for an exit. Especially if you're also in your early 20s.
Chimera: Yes, I think you're right about them not really ready for a ltr yet and it certainly doesn't feel like a healthy dynamic for me.

I'm actually 19, younger than they are (they're 22). It doesn't sound harsh, it sounds like the cold slap of reality. One that I have been questioning the very same thing myself, "Why am I staying?" Perhaps it's because it's my first 'traditional' relationship (equal parts emotional and sexual). My only relationship before now was a online one for a year and half with a girl when I was 15 (heavily emotional as we were too far to be sexual in the flesh with each other) and a FWB I had for awhile when I was 18. Perhaps I'm staying even though I know deep down I shouldn't because of it.

Heh. And if only you knew about some other things they did Chimera. Wonder what you'd say if you know the "smaller" stuff they did (in comparison to this). I see in them the potential for them to someone I could spend my life with, but currently it's only potential and unrealized.

I suppose I'm staying because once and awhile they stop being oblivious and step up and do things right. They can and do sometimes make me a very happy person. However... lately I'm spending more time unhappy with the relationship than happy. I guess I'm hoping they'll snap out of their confusion or come to their senses or just step up and take me as importantly as I take them.

Maybe it's really stupid, but I just can't leave yet. Even if secretly I'm hoping I fall out of love so I'd be easier for me to. I suppose the only option if I'm going to stay is try to open up dialogue about it.

It's not like I think I couldn't or wouldn't be able to find someone else I'd be happy with. I know it would take some work, but I have patience for that. The world is filled with people and even if there's not too many otherkin genderfluid switches relatively close to my age that are available there has to some out there. Besides, if things ended with them I know it'd hurt for awhile, but I'd live. I know that even if I didn't meet anyone I felt like dating again for twenty, thirty years I could live a very happily life. This knowledge has given me a good deal of inner strength. I believe that this is a good, healthy sentiment for me to have.

Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Poly can't fix lonely. People that desperate not to be alone do not want to be with themselves - ever. They would do anything not to face themselves. Unless your lover begins to address whatever the problems might be, your lover will always want more and more people in their life. They will always be that lonely person in the middle of crowd.

Your instincts are telling you loud and clear that this relationship, as it is now, is badly damaged and likely doomed. Perhaps you and your lover can agree that you will support them in therapy or whatever else might help. But you can't fix this by yourself and deep down, you know that. Only your lover can do that. I do not mean to imply that your lover is bad or selfish but it really sounds like they have lots of work to do on themselves before they are ready for any relationship, much less poly relationships. That's really what your 20s are for -discover who you are and make your peace with that. (It's also why your 20s can really suck ass.)

Your instincts are just fine. Listen to them.
Opalescent: Yes! That's probably what has been bothering me in much shorter words! Poly can't fix lonely. I can now boil my turmoil down to four words <3 Thanks!

They have been trying to address their problems for what it seems for most of their life. They've been and currently are still in therapy for years now.

I didn't get the impression you were trying to imply that they were selfish or bad. Thank you for your kind advice.

Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
You are only five months in. You should be head over heels in love, sickening the world with your sweet, romantic gestures. If you're dealing with this many unmet needs already, it's not a good sign.
Thanks Pete for your reply. I while I'm mostly head over heels, I am not sickening the world with my sweet, romantic gestures (I make plenty of them to my lover mind you, but they don't reciprocate very much if at all). Yes, it's not a good sign at all is it? x.x

I've seen a fellow disgustingly happy couple that are my friends (wait... make that two couples) and am envious of it. I even mentioned to my lover I want to be like that...

Thanks BrigidsDaughter and AutumnalTone for your replies and clarifying an earlier post for me.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I second this. Your partner has put you through the wringer and seems quite immature.

What I noticed most about your post is how you are really trying to analyze it all down to the nth degree, trying to make some sense out of your situation and understand the why of how your partner is -- but I suspect that that analysis is a way of avoiding what you really want to do, because it truly sounds like you've reached your breaking point and have had it! Your frustration comes across loud and clear! And -- believe me -- not without good reason.

I'm sure you hate it when people say this, but -- you're young and should be enjoying your life, seeing potential and possibility and love in bloom, not placating someone who's really just behaving like a baby with a wet diaper.
Wow. I really love your post nycindie! Yeah, I tend to be the analytically sort. You got me there. I don't particularly hate that at all as it feels you truly mean it when you say -- or type -- it. Thank you for your kind support.

Lastly, thanks Silia for your post and insight.

I appreciate all the responses I received. They have helped which is what I was looking for when I joined and posted this. I'm dearly grateful for any and all help and comments. It makes me feel less bad for feeling the way I do and I am able to quiet the little voice I had of "You're just not trying hard enough. If you try hard enough things will change." (Yes, I logically know that there's two people here and that people only change when they absolutely have to and rarely a minute before.)

While I am not going to be able to flat out break up with them right now (even though I am definitely at my limit and beyond frustrated) I will try talking and saying a few of these things that's been on my mind. If they are unwilling to work with me or negotiate then well, I suppose the choice is made for me.

I'm not going to try to lay everything out as once and mob them. I'll mention the most important thing or things. Attention is the first. If they can take better care of our relationship then the eventual person(s) won't seem as hard to accept. I think I'm going to try and get them to agree that for every spend 4 hours of freetime they spend on random stuff (accumulative) then they should spend one hour with me (I'm currently living at their on-campus apartment for the summer, so it's a bit worse when they're right there, but not paying me any mind, ya know?). Try that out for a few days and change if/as it needs.

Do you think that's reasonable?

Last edited by Syl; 07-05-2011 at 05:07 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2011, 06:57 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I dunno, just to throw a thought into the works here; don't we use a lot of things as a crutch in order to be able to deal with some heavy shit in life (says the woman that also finds it near impossible to be alone)

I have used my situation as a crutch. I am willing to admit that. I am working of being alone though, not filling my life with more partners in order to not be. I have definitely used the stability I have with the partners I have as a trusting safe place to stand up on and get my balance. Not just in being alone, but many things. My tribe is most definitely who I come home to after being out there in the world. Does that make them a crutch? I think so... I have had need of them as a crutch... but a crutch is meant to be until one heals I think... as in crutches for a broken leg for instance.

I think if I were you and at your age I would just leave them be and not bank on this being a long haul kind of thing. I think I would realize they are using me as a crutch also and get about finding someone else who is also mono, or at least more experienced with poly. This person is doing their thing no? They need support and I would likely give it to them by just being there as much as I feel comfortable.

You should be doing you thing too though. You can use them as a crutch also and be entertained and amused and enjoy their company until someone more suitable comes along. Why not? I think we all "use" each other and we all need a "crutch" I really.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:19 AM.