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Old 10-14-2009, 10:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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RP your story has been so reassuring-I'm sure that sounds wrong. But sometimes it feels like I live in a world other than the one I think I see around me! Hearing you and Mono talk about the good things and the bad things you are dealing with has really helped me put some perspective on my own life!

"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 10-15-2009, 12:44 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
All of these things could very well be poly. It may not be HEALTHY, but it can still be poly. Poly people cheat. Poly people sometimes don't communicate well. Poly people screw up. Being poly isn't about subscribing to a set of prerequisites or rules or standards. It's about a certain structure of relationships. There are lots of ideals that are held up as poly ideals- open communication, loving connections, radical honesty etc. These are not ideals exclusive to poly relationships. These are ideals to healthy relationships. Not all healthy relationships are poly and not all poly relationships are healthy.


Poly is just a word, not a religion.
My poly is not your poly. Amen Sista!

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

I appreciate your taking time to apologize for being taken wrong. I think that maybe with a little time and patience you will find that in fact the people who replied to you are very kind, considerate people. You just managed to find the exactly wrong button at the exactly wrong time.
Nail...head...you know.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's all good-we just have to all take a breath and use the chance to learn about someone else's experience, ideas, life-instead of worrying that an unknow stranger online and their different ideas might be a threat to ourselves.
Fantastic plan...maybe a few hours overdue.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
And as a side note I'd like to congradulate esedkudiln on creating one of the most active threads in along time!!
Yes...very active thread and mostly managed to entirely miss addressing his original question...which after everyone has had a chance to take a deep breath, maybe a nap or a good night's sleep, we'll be able to refocus on the issue he actually asked about...

If I paraphrase this properly, I think the questions were something to the effect of:
She broke with her intentions, but not the jointly agreed upon rules...is this a problem?
She did what she did for herself instead of him, she doesn't want to share the details. Did this affect the sex afterwards?
Should he be upset with her for any of it? Does she want him to be?

I don't have time to get into this in detail, nor do I have any great enlightenments in the matter, but I'll offer the following to add to the discussion, and hopefully put it back on track...

She doesn't want to share, and you acknowledge that she did it for herself and not you, and she's right to do so. I have had a similar conversation with my SO wrt her gf. I'd like to hear the details...but they're not for me. It's for them. Likewise, she doesn't share the details of us with the gf. If I ask for TMI she puts me in my place fairly quickly.

So, questions to possibly ask yourself, and her:
- Is her sexual freedom in the relationship for her pleasure/freedom? Or is it for your ego?
- Between the delays in telling you about the encounter, and possibly her reluctance to share...does she harbour some guilt or regret about the encounter? Where might that be coming from? Would it be easier for her if you were mad at her in a traditional jealous SO sense? (This is in terms of societies traditional scripts that most people have been conditioned with)

There is also the obeservation you made yourself where communication is difficult. I don't know about the LD, drunkeness, or any of the rest, but almost everyone here will generally agree on Communication, Communication, Communication! LD or not, work or not, you'll need to make the time to communicate about it and figure out the problem and the solution.

Frankly if you aren't upset about anything and there's no trust lost in the relationship, then it might just be that there isn't a problem to resolve. It could be that her reluctance to discuss is just the simple morning after regret some people have after spending a drunken evening making out with the wrong person on the dance floor.

Anyways, some stuff to chew on for a while.

“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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Old 10-15-2009, 09:03 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348

Jesus H. Christ on a crutch and his Mother Mary - what was all that about?!?!

Ceoli and others - thank you for saving me some typing.

To the OP (wh's name does not come easily to mind and I do't want to page back for it, lol) - welcome, and I hope you hang around a while and learn that those responses are not typical here.

Polyamory - two roots (from different languages, lol) meaning "many loves". So there's no debate about what the WORD means.

There seems to be an issue with 1. - HOW it's used, and 2. - the definition of love (as mentioned by anothe rmember previously).

Re 1 - people in this community tend to be defensive of the use of the term we've adopted, because manyof us who are not into the common definition of "open relationship" or "swinging" are tired of people assuming that's what we're about. Again, pointed out by a previous post. IMNSHO, that doesn't mean the application of the term is wrong when applied to those lifestyles as well, because 2 is a valid issue as well.

2 - People think differently about love, and about relationships. If two people get very close over the course of a one-night stand and it's not just a "fuck and chuck", is that not just a really short-term relationship? How about a long-term relationship that has almost no feeling in it, and is about exclusive fucking? Is that really a relationship, or an extended one night stand? And so on.

And that's where the OP is CORRECT in telling Ygirl that they agree - sorry Ygirl, I love ya', but he's got you there, lol.

There is no common definition; the Wiki or Webster (if it ever makes in there, lol) definition is loose and includes what many of teh more "possesive" (of the term I mean) members here would call innaccurate inclusions - yet jumping up someone's ass and saying they're innaccurate BECASUE YOU FEEL IT IS SO does NOT make that true!

I propose a new term for our community - polymonogamous, lol. We throw around "polyfidelitous" - which hasn't been mentioned here, oddly enough, since the people "defending" polyamorus are using the "definition" of PF to decry the supposed misuse of PA.

This is fun, lol.

On topic though - OP, there re a lot of good recommendations and some good advice in all that mess. There e two likely reasons for her state of mind - one being she is really uncomfortable with what happened because to some extent she didn't like it, etc - the other is that she is uncomfortable with it because she DID like it, and hasn't wrpped her head around the fact that she finds herself feeling differently than she thought (you already covered this yourself, really).

Ask her to talk about her feelings on what happened, and bring up exactly what I wrote above - you want to know if her discomfort is one or the other, and if it's the second, you want to help her understand what is a very confusing thing for her.

est of luck, and again - welcome! I for one really hope you stick around!
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