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Old 07-04-2011, 09:11 PM
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Syl Syl is offline
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Default Is my lover using poly as a crutch?

First, I want to say is that I'm not trying to imply that everyone who is poly is just using it as a crutch. That being said that doesn't mean everyone who claims to be poly are actually poly. Some just want to justify cheating or sleeping around etc.

I'm just curious if anyone thinks my lover is merely trying to label themselves as poly as a crutch. I'm beginning to suspect they are...

(Early apologizes for using "they" to refer to someone in the singular. My lover is genderfluid and I don't want to use their name or nickname for obvious reasons, so I'm going to abuse the word 'they' as a generic third*person singular pronoun.)

They have told me themselves on a few occasions that they wanted multiple lovers because they don't want to feel alone ever. They also seem to want person #2 and/or #3 in general and not like a specific person ie John or Jane.

I'm monogamous and entered this relationship with both of us knowing that I was going to try to accept them as poly. It is hard for me to accept my lover wanting to be with just a second or even third person non-specific rather than Named Specific Person, ie Jane, person because they got to know Jane and they like Jane and want to be with her too.

Isn't polyamorous wanting to be with other people because you love them as a person because you actually know them and want them, not because you want to use them so you don't feel lonely?

They claim that they would also be with the person/s because they liked them too, but... I just hate that as their motivating factor. I just feel like if you want another person it shouldn't just be anyone/someone mainly because you don't want to ever be lonely and it's justified because along the way you'd develop feelings for them.

Confusing enough, the other day they told me they might just be a lonely soul. If you think you just going to feel lonely a lot no matter what, which is your prime motive for wanting other people so you don't feel lonely (even though I'm super available and will behind over making anytime for them they wish) then... wtf? That renders your reason for wanting other people invalid and void?

They're also seem fairly impatient about it. Currently it's just them and me, the two of us, right now as the few attempts they tried to add someone in failed miserably. They tried to add someone in immediately after we got together and tried with the same person who was a fairly emo girl who didn't believe in poly for the first two and half months of our relationship. Then it was a couple that were fiances and friends of his for a year. They only wanted play partners though and treated him very poorly and total flakes on plans. The woman told him she didn't care about him or another serious relationship other than her fiancee. The male didn't want to be that close with another male.

Then my lover tried to introduce their ex who treated my lover like crap for the five years they were together. They had massive problems and broke up many times only to get back together. He was my lover's high school sweetheart and the first person they ever dated. The ex was and is uncompromisingly mono and shares none of the dreams my lover has and wants to do.

This was all in the first four months we were dating. I tried telling them we should build a stable relationship first for a period of time before trying to add someone else, and they just asked "Aren't we stable now?" They might have thought I was trying to force them into monogamy. -.-" I was just trying to not have a revolving door of instability. I hated not knowing at all who would or wouldn't be on the horizon at the end of the week.

I had to console them before when they were down that they didn't have anyone else currently in a 'ship with them (other than me, which I guess I'm not enough even temporary or until they found someone else to try to enter it). They actually said that they have been patient their whole life and wanted the others *now*. No joke or embellishment. When I pointed out they're 22 years old and that was bullshit and to say that again when you're 50/60/80 years old. They got pissed off.

People have a hard enough time finding ONE person they want to spend their life with. Finding multiple people who fit for you and your dreams and is okay with your lover/s is going to be even tougher. It requires patience which they seem to lack entirely. People aren't going to show up because you want them to. People aren't going to love you or be good in a relationship with you because you want them to.

Is it so bad of me to want them happy and content with what they have now? I'm not saying never to like or want to add someone else, but if no one else wants a relationship with you, why can't you be happy with the person you're actually dating who loves you and is there for you until the time comes when someone else can fit into your world and dreams?

They were in a 5 year mono relationship (with periods of broken up and back together). They were fairly happy in the relationship (minus the crazy ex being a crazy hurtful person), so why are they not able to do this with me? If they realized they only wanted poly and refused to compromise their dreams I could understand. However, that doesn't seem the case as they tried to get their ex back who shares totally opposing dreams with them. You can't convince anyone to abandon their own dreams for your own, and even if you could the question would be should you.

I am only also so against being them in a poly'ship with them recently because I honestly I don't think they could properly manage it. The first half our relationship during both of us being full time students and whatnot they made and spent plenty of time with me. The second half was not so good at all.

The second half of our relationship, after they had to drop out half of their classes (which one would think would mean more freetime...) they spent less time with me. Even now as I'm staying with them over summer they are spending even less time with me. They managed to listen, talk and be with me more during the school year! What happened? They became attached to their stupid laptop preferring to spend 8-16 hours on average a day on it. I tried calling them out on it with no success. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but if you have 12-18 hours of freetime everyday, you prefer spending on random web browser games that you change after a week, I think you can spare 2-4 hours with me WITHOUT your stupid laptop present. (They have no obligations like work as they don't have a job.)

I just hate feeling like the success of the relationship is solely reliant on me and me being able to accept them and their poly (if that's what they are, but it feels kinda like a crutch for them to me). There's two people in this relationship and if I'm willing try and be okay with their poly, shouldn't an option also try to be mono as well? I think that's only fair. If they want to make a request of me to do something that isn't necessarily easy for me, why can't the same be expected of them? It'd be easy for me to accept and be okay with them being poly if they seemed like they could be responsible enough and show the proper attention and emotional support (if needed) of multiple relationships, but like I said I really don't think they're capable of it. They can't in a single relationship with me give me a decent amount of attention or affection. (I don't think I'm being too selfish here.)

Oh, and if you were wondering we've only been dating five months since Saturday. If I didn't love them so much and appreciate the way the can emotionally relate to me, I don't think I would be with them at all right now.

Sorry for the huge massive wall of text.
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2011, 09:36 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by Syl View Post
Isn't polyamorous wanting to be with other people because you love them as a person because you actually know them and want them, not because you want to use them so you don't feel lonely?
A few thoughts:

Anybody who has a primary motivation of ending loneliness as a reason to enter relationships isn't really ready for said relationships.

You have to realize that they had the exact same motivation to get involved with you, for better or worse.

As far as knowing that one would want more than one partner goes, that's not unusual among poly folk.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-04-2011, 09:44 PM
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Syl Syl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
A few thoughts:

Anybody who has a primary motivation of ending loneliness as a reason to enter relationships isn't really ready for said relationships.

You have to realize that they had the exact same motivation to get involved with you, for better or worse.

As far as knowing that one would want more than one partner goes, that's not unusual among poly folk.
Yes, I realize that is probably the reason why they want me for a relationship.

" As far as knowing that one would want more than one partner goes, that's not unusual among poly folk." I'm sorry, I'm not making all of the connections and understanding here. Could you elaborate?
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Old 07-05-2011, 12:50 AM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Originally Posted by Syl View Post

I'm just curious if anyone thinks my lover is merely trying to label themselves as poly as a crutch. I'm beginning to suspect they are...

...

Oh, and if you were wondering we've only been dating five months since Saturday. If I didn't love them so much and appreciate the way the can emotionally relate to me, I don't think I would be with them at all right now.

Sorry for the huge massive wall of text.
I don't think they're using it as a crutch. I think they're really confused and probably not ready to be in any relationship of a long-term sort. Seems like they might love you, but it doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic for you.

This might sound harsh, but if I were with someone for only 5 months and went through all of what you wrote, I'd be looking for an exit. Especially if you're also in your early 20s.
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Old 07-05-2011, 12:55 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default lonely in a crowd

Quote:
Originally Posted by Syl View Post
They have told me themselves on a few occasions that they wanted multiple lovers because they don't want to feel alone ever. They also seem to want person #2 and/or #3 in general and not like a specific person ie John or Jane.
...
Isn't polyamorous wanting to be with other people because you love them as a person because you actually know them and want them, not because you want to use them so you don't feel lonely?
I'm afraid that from solely what you wrote here, yes, your lover is using poly as a crutch. (I'm well aware that there is always the other person's point of view.) Poly can't fix lonely. People that desperate not to be alone do not want to be with themselves - ever. They would do anything not to face themselves. Unless your lover begins to address whatever the problems might be, your lover will always want more and more people in their life. They will always be that lonely person in the middle of crowd.

Your instincts are telling you loud and clear that this relationship, as it is now, is badly damaged and likely doomed. Perhaps you and your lover can agree that you will support them in therapy or whatever else might help. But you can't fix this by yourself and deep down, you know that. Only your lover can do that. I do not mean to imply that your lover is bad or selfish but it really sounds like they have lots of work to do on themselves before they are ready for any relationship, much less poly relationships. That's really what your 20s are for -discover who you are and make your peace with that. (It's also why your 20s can really suck ass.)

Your instincts are just fine. Listen to them.
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:20 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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However, that doesn't seem the case as they tried to get their ex back who shares totally opposing dreams with them. You can't convince anyone to abandon their own dreams for your own, and even if you could the question would be should you.
So, for better or worse, whether it's coming from a healthy place or not, your partner is dreaming of poly in a hard way.

It sounds like they have a lot of self-worth issues to work through and a lot of growing to do before they are ready for and able to bring about happy, healthy poly relationships.

You are only five months in. You should be head over heels in love, sickening the world with your sweet, romantic gestures. If you're dealing with this many unmet needs already, it's not a good sign.

On a side note, to answer another question you asked, there are different types of poly. Some people accidentally become poly because they fall for someone near them while in a relationship. Other people do actively choose to pursue additional relationships with people they wouldn't have known otherwise. In the second case, which seems to be your partner's MO, it is commonly accepted that there is a much higher chance for success if you wait for existing relationships to be stable and steady before looking for others.
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:22 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syl View Post
" As far as knowing that one would want more than one partner goes, that's not unusual among poly folk." I'm sorry, I'm not making all of the connections and understanding here. Could you elaborate?
Those of us who identify as poly know that we can love more than one person, that we are happiest when we are allowed to love one person. That doesn't necessarily mean that we always know who that person might be, just that we are open to the possibility. My husband, Runic Wolf, is poly as well, but he has not had very much success in finding another female love. He knows that he has more love to give and that he would like another female in his life, but hasn't found that person yet. I don't think that is where your lover is at, but probably where he'd start out if he truly believes he is poly.
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:51 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by Syl View Post
" ... that's not unusual among poly folk." I'm sorry, I'm not making all of the connections and understanding here. Could you elaborate?
A person can be desirous of a relationship without having a specific person in mind. When you were without a partner of any sort at any time, I suspect you were thinking a relationship would be nice, and that at a time when you hadn't met anybody with whom you wanted a relationship. Odds are that you were *not* completely uninterested in ever getting involved with anybody until somebody came along and got your attention. Even those picky people who are holding out for a mythical "The One" know they want a relationship--and they have no idea with whom.

It's the same for many poly folk. While some poly peeps were happily mono and never wanted an additional romance until somebody came along who knocked their socks off, it's quite different for many of us. We know that we want additional relationships in the exact same fashion that we know we want any one relationship. We may only have a single relationship at any time, yet are open to a new one (or two or three...) in the same fashion we were open to the first when we were single.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:53 AM
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. . . if I were with someone for only 5 months and went through all of what you wrote, I'd be looking for an exit. Especially if you're also in your early 20s.
I second this. Your partner has put you through the wringer and seems quite immature.


What I noticed most about your post is how you are really trying to analyze it all down to the nth degree, trying to make some sense out of your situation and understand the why of how your partner is -- but I suspect that that analysis is a way of avoiding what you really want to do, because it truly sounds like you've reached your breaking point and have had it! Your frustration comes across loud and clear! And -- believe me -- not without good reason.

I'm sure you hate it when people say this, but -- you're young and should be enjoying your life, seeing potential and possibility and love in bloom, not placating someone who's really just behaving like a baby with a wet diaper.
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Old 07-05-2011, 03:50 AM
Silia Silia is offline
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That's really what your 20s are for -discover who you are and make your peace with that. (It's also why your 20s can really suck ass.)
This is so completely true.

Also, I know pretty much nothing about poly, but I had a boyfriend who had self issues that led to him neglecting me like that, even getting angry at me more and more frequently. I loved him so much so I stayed with it regardless, actually fought like crazy to hold on to it. Needless to say it ended pretty badly. We've both grown up a lot since then and are friends now, but if you want my advice, get out before things get worse, especially if he won't talk about it with you. That's always a sign that things are going bad. Maybe when he can sort himself out you can take another chance, but for now you're just going to get hurt, and you deserve better. Hope you figure things out.
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