Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 07-04-2011, 09:11 PM
Syl's Avatar
Syl Syl is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4
Default Is my lover using poly as a crutch?

First, I want to say is that I'm not trying to imply that everyone who is poly is just using it as a crutch. That being said that doesn't mean everyone who claims to be poly are actually poly. Some just want to justify cheating or sleeping around etc.

I'm just curious if anyone thinks my lover is merely trying to label themselves as poly as a crutch. I'm beginning to suspect they are...

(Early apologizes for using "they" to refer to someone in the singular. My lover is genderfluid and I don't want to use their name or nickname for obvious reasons, so I'm going to abuse the word 'they' as a generic third*person singular pronoun.)

They have told me themselves on a few occasions that they wanted multiple lovers because they don't want to feel alone ever. They also seem to want person #2 and/or #3 in general and not like a specific person ie John or Jane.

I'm monogamous and entered this relationship with both of us knowing that I was going to try to accept them as poly. It is hard for me to accept my lover wanting to be with just a second or even third person non-specific rather than Named Specific Person, ie Jane, person because they got to know Jane and they like Jane and want to be with her too.

Isn't polyamorous wanting to be with other people because you love them as a person because you actually know them and want them, not because you want to use them so you don't feel lonely?

They claim that they would also be with the person/s because they liked them too, but... I just hate that as their motivating factor. I just feel like if you want another person it shouldn't just be anyone/someone mainly because you don't want to ever be lonely and it's justified because along the way you'd develop feelings for them.

Confusing enough, the other day they told me they might just be a lonely soul. If you think you just going to feel lonely a lot no matter what, which is your prime motive for wanting other people so you don't feel lonely (even though I'm super available and will behind over making anytime for them they wish) then... wtf? That renders your reason for wanting other people invalid and void?

They're also seem fairly impatient about it. Currently it's just them and me, the two of us, right now as the few attempts they tried to add someone in failed miserably. They tried to add someone in immediately after we got together and tried with the same person who was a fairly emo girl who didn't believe in poly for the first two and half months of our relationship. Then it was a couple that were fiances and friends of his for a year. They only wanted play partners though and treated him very poorly and total flakes on plans. The woman told him she didn't care about him or another serious relationship other than her fiancee. The male didn't want to be that close with another male.

Then my lover tried to introduce their ex who treated my lover like crap for the five years they were together. They had massive problems and broke up many times only to get back together. He was my lover's high school sweetheart and the first person they ever dated. The ex was and is uncompromisingly mono and shares none of the dreams my lover has and wants to do.

This was all in the first four months we were dating. I tried telling them we should build a stable relationship first for a period of time before trying to add someone else, and they just asked "Aren't we stable now?" They might have thought I was trying to force them into monogamy. -.-" I was just trying to not have a revolving door of instability. I hated not knowing at all who would or wouldn't be on the horizon at the end of the week.

I had to console them before when they were down that they didn't have anyone else currently in a 'ship with them (other than me, which I guess I'm not enough even temporary or until they found someone else to try to enter it). They actually said that they have been patient their whole life and wanted the others *now*. No joke or embellishment. When I pointed out they're 22 years old and that was bullshit and to say that again when you're 50/60/80 years old. They got pissed off.

People have a hard enough time finding ONE person they want to spend their life with. Finding multiple people who fit for you and your dreams and is okay with your lover/s is going to be even tougher. It requires patience which they seem to lack entirely. People aren't going to show up because you want them to. People aren't going to love you or be good in a relationship with you because you want them to.

Is it so bad of me to want them happy and content with what they have now? I'm not saying never to like or want to add someone else, but if no one else wants a relationship with you, why can't you be happy with the person you're actually dating who loves you and is there for you until the time comes when someone else can fit into your world and dreams?

They were in a 5 year mono relationship (with periods of broken up and back together). They were fairly happy in the relationship (minus the crazy ex being a crazy hurtful person), so why are they not able to do this with me? If they realized they only wanted poly and refused to compromise their dreams I could understand. However, that doesn't seem the case as they tried to get their ex back who shares totally opposing dreams with them. You can't convince anyone to abandon their own dreams for your own, and even if you could the question would be should you.

I am only also so against being them in a poly'ship with them recently because I honestly I don't think they could properly manage it. The first half our relationship during both of us being full time students and whatnot they made and spent plenty of time with me. The second half was not so good at all.

The second half of our relationship, after they had to drop out half of their classes (which one would think would mean more freetime...) they spent less time with me. Even now as I'm staying with them over summer they are spending even less time with me. They managed to listen, talk and be with me more during the school year! What happened? They became attached to their stupid laptop preferring to spend 8-16 hours on average a day on it. I tried calling them out on it with no success. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but if you have 12-18 hours of freetime everyday, you prefer spending on random web browser games that you change after a week, I think you can spare 2-4 hours with me WITHOUT your stupid laptop present. (They have no obligations like work as they don't have a job.)

I just hate feeling like the success of the relationship is solely reliant on me and me being able to accept them and their poly (if that's what they are, but it feels kinda like a crutch for them to me). There's two people in this relationship and if I'm willing try and be okay with their poly, shouldn't an option also try to be mono as well? I think that's only fair. If they want to make a request of me to do something that isn't necessarily easy for me, why can't the same be expected of them? It'd be easy for me to accept and be okay with them being poly if they seemed like they could be responsible enough and show the proper attention and emotional support (if needed) of multiple relationships, but like I said I really don't think they're capable of it. They can't in a single relationship with me give me a decent amount of attention or affection. (I don't think I'm being too selfish here.)

Oh, and if you were wondering we've only been dating five months since Saturday. If I didn't love them so much and appreciate the way the can emotionally relate to me, I don't think I would be with them at all right now.

Sorry for the huge massive wall of text.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:30 PM.