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  #21  
Old 07-04-2011, 04:58 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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What are you ashamed of. HElllOOOOO! This is going super fucking fast and you think you should not have emotions! I am damned impressed that you would chose to share this REALLY HARD STUFF with us! You are doing great and really should keep at it the way you are. I hope you are like this with them when you get together. The stuff you talk about here is SO important. It shows you are real and it really affects you. I hope you are talking and expressing your emotions as they come up and as soon as you realize what you need. I hope she is asking you if she is unsure and no one is assuming the other knows what is going on for them or expecting them to guess.

As to the NRE, ya, there is a lot of sucking it up for appropriate times that has to happen. I remember that and still do sometimes. I suck a lot up to be distributed later It makes it more exciting anyway.

I have a kid. Parents suck a lot of stuff up and then let lose later. Its a survival technique I have perfected and actually enjoy now. It means that good times are extra GOOD! and I can look forward to stuff (I always saved my Halloween candy... I think this helped)
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  #22  
Old 07-04-2011, 08:08 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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nycindie: just a social hanging-out setting, dinner, watching a movie etc. Group sex is like waaaaaay into the future, if ever...

redpepper: What I am ashamed of is my inability to think things through before acting, which ends up just hurting the people I love most. I was considering deleting this thread, but I'm leaving it with a permanent link on my bookmarks to remind me how NOT to post. :-)

My revised poll would be:
----------
Hi, I'm having big problems expressing my needs when it comes to group-setting (non-sexual) with my partner and her new boyfriend. In a way I want them to act the way they want (NRE), but I know that's way too much for me to handle. So, I'm wondering, how did/do you guys do social settings, what rules of conduct did you apply?
----------

without priming the reader with not even my side of the story, just a mashup of nothingness.

One good thing came out of this though, last night I wrote my own draft for a 5 step plan for planned social gatherings, leading up to "full freedom".
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  #23  
Old 07-04-2011, 11:26 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I was wondering what you think "full freedom" in social settings is?

I mean, if they were with a bunch of friends, those friends would probably get annoyed if they started sucking face and being all NRE oozy on everything and everyone.

So I wouldn't feel bad if even later you request that they restrain themselves. Would you want to watch any of your friends grope each other in a group setting?

(Not saying they do these things, just making an example.)
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  #24  
Old 07-04-2011, 11:42 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yeah, this full freedom idea...

Can you watch them make out and feel OK?

Can you watch them feel each other up?

Can you watch them actually fuck?

Can you actually have 3way sex?

The last scenario is "full" freedom, seems to me.
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  #25  
Old 07-04-2011, 02:14 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Magdlyn: the answer to all of your questions are no.
I have pushed for group-settings (non-sexual, just dinner, movie etc) for many reasons, mostly wrong, some too soon.
I made Vanilla and her boyfriend look like bastards in this thread, and it couldn't be further from the truth. I am the one who's called for the group-things, I am the one who's told her it's okey to do this and that...
In short, I have said what I think I can be okey with in the future is okey now. And it's not. Thank the gods that Vanilla is smarter than me, and actually knows me well enough to read my face and voice instead of the words.
Biggest problem with the group-settings is that they haven't happened before, and I've tried implementing something NEW, in addition to actually working on accepting what's happening in the first place.
Re-reading my own life-rules for this, two pop out immediately:
- Don't rush things, don't push them or yourself into anything, things will evolve in due time.
- Don't say anything you're not CERTAIN of is true.

The last one is confusing, because something might SEEM true at the time, but I will have to start writing things down, every thought, every bright idea I have, and analyze them properly an hour later. :-)

Vanilla is the most amazing, wonderful, awesome and loving person I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with, and if I hadn't already disassembled the pedestal, I would have put her back on it. :-)
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  #26  
Old 07-04-2011, 04:57 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
- Don't say anything you're not CERTAIN of is true.
I don't see how anyone can do this with certainty. I have a hard time accepting that anyone can truly predict their emotional response to a situation they have not actually experienced. To me it's like saying "have sex but don't fall in love". You're asking someone to give you a gurantee of how they will react.

I've said lots of things with the belief that I knew how I would respond. After the fact, my reaction was not what I had predicted. So I guess I could fake an artificial response, but open communication is not about hiding things so why would I?

Instead of saying I know I will react this way, just say you think you'll react a certain way. Don't make promises or guesses about the unknown because you could be setting up your partner or yourself.
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  #27  
Old 07-04-2011, 08:46 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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An excellent point, my good sir. Allow me to rephrase:
I won't say anything I'm not certain about how I THINK I will react. :-)
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  #28  
Old 07-04-2011, 09:08 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by closetpoly View Post
an excellent point, my good sir. Allow me to rephrase:
I won't say anything i'm not certain about how i think i will react. :-)

haha!
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  #29  
Old 07-04-2011, 09:40 PM
jasminegld jasminegld is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
...My main fault ...
Hi ClosetPoly. I'm so glad you posted. Do please find another way other than "fault" to talk about yourself. Maybe "effort." Maybe "confusion." Maybe "discombobulation." Hey, that's a good word; why don't we use it anymore??

You are working hard, doing your best. Give yourself credit for it.

I remember my first whirlwind of emotions around polyamory. It was like being swept along in raging floodwaters beyond my control. I knew it wouldn't last forever. I managed best when I told my logical mind to settle in for the long haul and enjoy the wild ride for the experience that it could give me. And whoa, what a ride it was!

Set boundaries.
Say, "I'm scared" when you need to.
Say, "I need reassurance."
Say, "I need some time with my buddy, just the two of us."

Say, "All these things are okay, because it takes time."

I encourage you to write in a journal. You can go back to it in a month or six months. It will help. I wrote in a journal during my whirlwind ride these many years ago.

Keep posting here. We're glad you're here.

Jasmine
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  #30  
Old 07-05-2011, 07:52 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Thanks Jasmine, and I have no idea why noone uses discombobulated anymore, it's a VERY good word for what I feel.

My partner is very good at reassuring me, and this has already brought us closer, only a month in from the start. I definitely have a whole new level of appreciation for her, and she knows better than ever how important she is to me. Even after 13 amazing years, I realise now that we had stagnated, emotionally, and this has been such a wakeup-call for me.
I know that this will indeed be a long haul, and I hope I can see it through, I really do.

We have established some good boundaries on how they will act around me and in public, but they have no boundaries when they are together alone. I have chosen to not apply boundaries to their relationship, but I have re-established my own. And yes, I have started saying all of those things, and sort of keeping a written summary of how I feel, when I "feel" things, but I think I will start an actual diary. Thank you!
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