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Old 10-14-2009, 09:40 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Sudden Depression

Not that this is a poly issue per se.

But suggestions are welcomed and I'm not getting any in real life!

Maca suddenly feels depressed and by his terms suicidal. Not pertinent to our steps with our relationship-which seems to be going great.
Just "in general" he says.

I am the kind of person who will analyze myself and my situation/life anytime it feels "off" until I get it back on track. But Maca is more of a "this is just the way it is sweep it under the carpet" kind of person.

His emotional state right now is negatively impacting not only himself (obviously) but the whole family.

Last night I had to babysit (2 days in a row) a 1 year old, 3 year old and 12 year old for a friend. It's not hard-just disruptive and in turn means things I would normallly do and be done with whileMaca was at work, are still gettig finished up through the evening (like grading papers since I homeschool our son, finding down time to check my emails etc). Maca got pissy and accusational suggesting that I don't have any time for him.
First I reminded him this was not true. I had a break where the kids were gone in the afternoon when he got home and we took a shower together. I certainly didn't need a shower-but I know it's something he likes to do together so I made sure we got one in before the kids got dropped back off for the evening.
It seemed he totally blew it off. At first that really ticked me off. I felt defensive and angry because I am working my butt off to be sure to patiently and considerately deal with his insecurities and emotional rollercoaster moments in light of MY changing the dynamic of our relationship.
But pretty quickly I just got worried. Because I haven't done anything to warrant this sudden change (which he admitted) and it seems to have suddenly popped up seemingly out of no-where.

personally I don't believe it popped up from no-where. I just don't buy it.

I know that there is a lot going on internally with him. But have no way of knowing if he's simply "squishing it away" or actually dealing with it.

I want to be supportive-but honestly feel like in some ways the best thing I could do is be a "bitch" and tell him to get his ass in to the doctor and start working to find an answer.
It's not that I don't care or don't want to deal with him. I DO. The issue is I can't-because he says "I don't know why" "nothing is really wrong I just feel suicidal" " I'm so depressed and waiting for the next excitement but it seems to be impossible". I can't work with any of that........


I'm frustrated because i love him and want to help-but it seems like really he doesn't want to help himself. It's work to face emotional issues-and he has a lot from his past to deal with-but if you don't face them how can you ever be happy? I just don't understand I guess....
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:00 PM
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Default Ouch!!!!!!!

OUCH. Not one response despite 14 views.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:23 PM
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Sorry.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's work to face emotional issues-and he has a lot from his past to deal with-but if you don't face them how can you ever be happy? I just don't understand I guess....
A lot of us never learned HOW to deal with our "stuff," our challeges, our difficulties.... There is knowledge and there are skills involved, and it doesn't just drop into your lap automatically. A lot of folks learned to avoid dealing with what we weren't prepared to deal with -- by ignoring it and hoping it will go away, like a headache or a flu/cold. Colds will go away, all by themselves, eventually. But our "stuff"? It doesn't go away, it piles up when not addressed. And then having to address it feals--and is!--overwhelming.

If he's really suicidal, or having suicidal fantasies, he needs to find a psychologist/therapist--and fast. This is serious! He needs help. He's probably intensely stressed and may find it difficult to think clearly. His coping strategy may be breaking down, and that's terribly frightening.

Help him to get help, and waste not a moment. Talk of suicide is definitely a crisis moment. Treat it like a fire in the kitchen. Don't wait for it to go away.
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Old 10-15-2009, 12:54 AM
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Hi,
Unfortunately this resonates with me. My divorce was probably 95% due to my ex not dealing with his depression.

Get into counseling now. This is not something to deal with alone. It is VERY hard on both parties, and alot of pressure when you care so deeply for someone who is depressed when it seems like there is nothing you can do to help them. Please DONT act like a bitch towards him. He is having a hard time, a harder time than you - and this response is a response of impatience. Be kind, patient, and give him the space he needs to come to you, and to talk to a counselor.

My ex refused to deal with the problem. He went to counseling for YEARS, yet internally never admitted to himself that there even was a problem. He ended up blaming it on me, and well, that pretty much ended the relationship.

I agree with you, that this is probably a result of something in his life. He might just not know how to figure out what it is that is bothering him. This is why counseling is helpful... and why, even if you yourself are a professional, your personal ties with him will not make it easy to tease this out.

There is usually affordable or even free counseling available at local community centers and churches. I understand if you are hesitant about going to a church if you are not religious, I was. I went anyways, and at the very least it was helpful to me. The general practices of behavior management are the same, and the most important thing right now is his health and happiness.

Good luck.
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Old 10-15-2009, 01:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
A lot of us never learned HOW to deal with our "stuff," our challeges, our difficulties.... There is knowledge and there are skills involved, and it doesn't just drop into your lap automatically. A lot of folks learned to avoid dealing with what we weren't prepared to deal with -- by ignoring it and hoping it will go away, like a headache or a flu/cold. Colds will go away, all by themselves, eventually. But our "stuff"? It doesn't go away, it piles up when not addressed. And then having to address it feals--and is!--overwhelming.

If he's really suicidal, or having suicidal fantasies, he needs to find a psychologist/therapist--and fast. This is serious! He needs help. He's probably intensely stressed and may find it difficult to think clearly. His coping strategy may be breaking down, and that's terribly frightening.

Help him to get help, and waste not a moment. Talk of suicide is definitely a crisis moment. Treat it like a fire in the kitchen. Don't wait for it to go away.
Believe me I'm not wasting a moment. We are already seeing a psychologist for work on communication issues and we go again Friday. I just spent the last hour or so sitting in the shower (yes sitting) talking with him (one place we can lock the door and get privacy from the kids). We had a good talk-but I do think that his issue is significantly caused by a life of "stuffing emotions" instead of dealing with them and now with the me suddenly (it wasn't sudden but it FEELS sudden to him) insisting on being real with each other and being open and honest-there is a LOT of stuff coming up.
I can imagine it's overwhelming-I just lack the knowledge of how I can help if he won't help himself.
I won't wait for it to go away-and I'll be in touch with updates too.
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Old 10-15-2009, 01:17 AM
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Red-I'm not being a bitch to him. I know how important that is. I just needed to share that I FEEL like nothing I do motivates him to get help.

It's like his blood pressure. He's known for at least a year that he has VERY high blood pressure. He's been in and out of the doctors for a variety of things (severe headaches, stitches where he cut himself at work, severe sinus infections etc) and the doctor tells him all the time he needs to address the blood pressure and get on meds, he won't. He just flat refuses to do anything about it. He may or may not think about it-I don't know because he doesn't talk about it and of course I'm not a mind reader (actually thankfully not!).

So here is this situation which is very serious (as pointed out by River) and he's again seeming to just avoid it. I know how damaging that can be, I know the bigger issues at play and I know that those issues are the reason that he really has no friends at all and has limited bonds with the people in his life through work or family.

But I don't have the ability to FORCE him to get help-as you were saying about your ex. We are in counseling-and we are addressing communication issues-but I think in a large way that is exactly what is triggering this-because as we communicate better those issues are coming to light more and he can't just stuff them if I know about them-but at the same time he doesn't want to face them-so he's at a huge impasse and suicide-well that solution to the impasse is potentially damaging not only for HIM but for me,our kids, our extended families etc.
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Old 10-15-2009, 01:59 AM
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Well - I know how difficult this must be. Truly.
It is soo painful to hear that someone you love is having a hard time, and especially to hear they are suicidal.

I really wish you the best - I felt the same way you do, and just like when I was going thru this, I can't really say more about what to do in your situation.

If you ever need to talk personally, PM me, I'd be happy to lend an ear at the least.

RS
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Old 10-15-2009, 04:56 AM
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I may take you up on that Red. Not tonight-we've been talking. I don't expect that to be THE solution-but it's better then the silence and "I don't knows".
He agreed to talk to our counselor about doing every other week alone to work on some of the specific issues he needs to address and the opposite weeks we will continue to work on our communication lessons.
I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for the offer of an ear!!
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:14 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Ah, well, that's painful. There's little you can do as long as he's in denial of his own issues. If he begins to regularly turn his issues into issues with you--acting out towards you--then you may have to step away and allow him to suffer alone. When he's acting to help himself, then you step back in to support his effort. It's painful to watch a lover self-destruct, though sometimes it's necessary to keep everybody else from harm.
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