thread on sex addiction

[ray]

Bah I wish I had given this more consideration. I had a few fleeting moments wondering if the nurse and I getting involved was just bad news given that both of us were on the rebound. And yup, it came back to bite me in the ass. I think that's the last time I ever try to make that work. What do you guys think in terms of time for some
one to wait after leaving a committed relationship?

[nycindie]

Hey, dear sweet Ray, what I posted was just to comment on what's always been drummed into our heads about relationships, especially in monogamy -- because there's such a focus on finding that One True Love, you want to make sure that person is sane and ready for a "serious relationship," not broken and wounded. So, we're always warned against that rebound guy or gal.

But that's just the collective old wives' tale.

It isn't always necessarily true that we should avoid relationships when we're trying to bounce back into life after a breakup.

According to most wisdom, I should've waited one to two years after my husband left me to feel normal again before dating. But when I started going out with guys after just a few months, I really needed the validation and physical intimacy to help me feel like I had a direction in which to head. Otherwise, I thought I would be crumpled in a heap sobbing forever. Sure, sometimes I look back and say, "Oy, how embarrassing, I wasn't ready for what I got myself into," but it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't ready! Sure, we need to be careful getting involved with the ones who are so very wounded, or when we are so very wounded, but if we trust our intuition, we'll be okay!

There's that other old saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." All those rebound relationships can teach us something. Staying out of the game is not just no fun, it closes off possibilities for important lessons we can learn about ourselves. You can't learn about relationships when you're not in one.

So, don't fret! You have been, and continue to be, doing fine!

[River]

Originally Posted by nycindie

All those rebound relationships can teach us something. Staying out of the game is not just no fun, it closes off possibilities for important lessons we can learn about ourselves. You can't learn about relationships when you're not in one.

Darlin', we're all profoundly related to everyone and everything--everyone and everything we encounter, and beyond. And "rebound relationships" are just the confused wanderings of those who don't yet realize this. There are no failed relationships. There is no failure in love. All loving leads to deeper loving.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by River

There are no failed relationships.

That's what I have always said. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it failed or that anyone was wrong. Sometimes relationships just end.

I don't understand your comment about rebound relationships being confused wanderings. I'm not advocating that anyone avoid getting into a relationship soon after a breakup. I'm saying all relationships teach us lessons, so not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. That's all.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by nycindie

That's what I have always said. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it failed or that anyone was wrong. Sometimes relationships just end.

I don't understand your comment about rebound relationships being confused wanderings. I'm not advocating that anyone avoid getting into a relationship soon after a breakup. I'm saying all relationships teach us lessons, so not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. That's all.

And excessive drama and aftermath can all be part of the process of learning and self-expression that comes with the relationship?

[River]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I don't understand your comment about rebound relationships being confused wanderings. I'm not advocating that anyone avoid getting into a relationship soon after a breakup. I'm saying all relationships teach us lessons, so not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. That's all.

Nycindie, We're in agreement. We agree that the social norm which says one should wait a year or two before engaging again in a romantic relationship, as to avoid "rebounding," can be more than a little presumptuous. When I said "rebound relationships" are "confused wanderings," I was by no means implying that all relationships which begin very soon after the ending of another relationship are "rebound relationships". It depends on the maturity of the people involved whether it will be so. A "rebound relationship" occurs when person X feels a gaping hole, an unbearable lack, with the absense of a partner, and then attempts to fill that hole of lack (read, avoid the whole painful matter) by using another person to fill the hole.

Another way to move forward would be to add a "W" to "hole" -- creating a "whole". This doesn't require years to do. It can happen in a moment, in a month, in a week, in the blink of an eye....

My new "love interest" is presently separating from her husband. She's grieving the end of the relationship. But she knows she is a whole person, and I am a whole person. We are not lack-centered people. There is no hole to be filled, for either of us. (Keep it with those puns, dearies!) When two whole people come together, even soon after the ending of a relationship, there is no rebounding going on, because there is no hole to be filled, no gaping lack. Instead, there is the joy of wholeness shared!

[nycindie]

^^^ Yes, this is a wonderful expression of the possibilities that can be realized in relationship, River.

[ray]

Sorry, I was feeling quite depressed when I posted earlier. I think you have a good point that it really is up to the individual and one can never know the true value of an experience until later. I do think that the Nurse and I moved a bit too quickly to our detriment but still, I suppose we had a right to try. And it's not to say we can't revisit it later. The hard time I'm having has less to do with the Nurse and more to do with existing mental health issues/emotional instability. I realized I need to be a bit more careful and my therapist and I are keeping close tabs on the situation. Transference, as they say?

[transitapparent]

Originally Posted by nycindie

It isn't always necessarily true that we should avoid relationships when we're trying to bounce back into life after a breakup.

I was introduced to mama 4 maybe 5 months after my 1st wife and I seperated. we've now been married almost 8 years. I don't think there is a specific time period, you just kinda know when you're ready to try again.